Hope Relentless Christian Marriage Blog

How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage: Practical Steps When the Bond Is Broken

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 05:29:16 GMT

How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage: Practical Steps When the Bond Is Broken

Trust can break in a moment. Rebuilding it takes something different. Here's where to start.

Every couple who has sat across from us in a session has their own version of this story.

For some, trust broke in one defining moment. An affair. A lie that came to light. A secret that changed everything.

For others, it wasn't one thing. It was years of small moments adding up. A spouse who checked out. A partner who consistently chose work, friends, or anything else over the marriage. A slow drift that one day felt like a chasm.

Both are real. Both hurt. And both can be worked through.

We're Chad and Sarah-Gayle, Christian marriage coaches and hosts of the Hope Relentless podcast. We've been married 21 years, and in that time we've walked alongside hundreds of couples trying to find their way back to each other.

This post covers Part 1 of a two-part series on rebuilding trust. Today we're focusing on the steps you can take if you're the one who broke trust. Next week we'll cover the other side: how the person who was hurt can work through resentment and forgiveness.

Prefer to listen or watch rather than read?

Podcast provides an audio option, YouTube provides an option to watch.

Trust Breaks in More Ways Than You Think

We've coached couples through affairs, financial betrayal, and deep personal wounds. But some of the most painful situations we see involve a quieter kind of broken trust.

One client reached out after 20 years of marriage. She was done. She described years of feeling unseen, unheard, and unsupported while her husband did what he wanted. He spent time with his friends. He stayed focused on work. She kept the household running and raised the kids largely on her own.

When they came to us, something significant happened: the husband agreed with her. He didn't defend himself or explain it away. He said, yes, I wasn't there. I recognize I messed up.

That moment of ownership opened a door. It didn't fix 20 years overnight. But it cracked things open in a way that made rebuilding possible.

Trust can erode slowly, day after day, and still do just as much damage as a single catastrophic event. Whatever your situation looks like, the path forward starts in the same place.

It Starts with Personal Responsibility

This is the piece couples don't always want to hear, especially when one person feels clearly wronged. But rebuilding trust requires both people. The roles will look different depending on the situation, and we're focusing today specifically on the person who broke trust.

If you're the one who did the hurting, the single most powerful thing you can do is take full ownership without excuses. Not a partial apology that shifts blame. Not "I'm sorry you felt that way." Full, clear ownership of what happened.

That posture, taken seriously, is where rebuilding begins.

Invite God into It

We always encourage couples to bring God into the process from the start, not as an afterthought once human effort has stalled.

One of the most practical ways to do this: pray for your spouse, not about your spouse.

There's a difference. Praying about your spouse sounds like "God, show them what they need to change." Praying for your spouse sounds like "God, I thank you for my partner. Restore what's been broken. Soften both of our hearts."

One keeps you at the center. The other opens you up to something bigger.

God's heart is always restoration. We see it throughout Scripture. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). He didn't wait until we had our act together. Reconciliation was always the goal. We believe that same heart is available to marriages walking through their hardest seasons.

Step 1: Create a Weekly Trust Check-In

One of the most practical tools we give couples is a dedicated, structured time each week specifically focused on building and restoring trust.

Without this, trust becomes the topic that hijacks everything else. Couples find themselves in the middle of getting kids out the door, making dinner, or just winding down, and suddenly they're back in the middle of the hardest conversation in their marriage.

That pattern is exhausting, and it doesn't build anything.

A weekly check-in gives you a container. Fifteen minutes, once a week. The question is simple: "Is there anything I can do to keep building trust? Is there anything that happened this week that broke it?"

A few things to keep in mind when you sit down together:

Listen more than you talk. If your spouse shares something that hurt, don't defend or explain. Just acknowledge it. "I hear you. When I did that, it made you feel like I wasn't invested. I understand that." That acknowledgment alone builds trust.

Keep the focus forward. There's a real difference between check-ins that are solution-focused and ones that turn into a place to vent everything wrong with the marriage. Both have their place, but they're not the same conversation. If your check-ins consistently circle around blame and past wounds rather than next steps, that's often a sign individual counseling is needed alongside the couple work.

Celebrate what's working. Trust is being rebuilt in small moments every week. Name them. "I noticed you followed through on what you said. That meant something to me." Focus on what you want more of, not just what went wrong.

Call a timeout if needed. If a check-in starts to go sideways, it's okay to pause and reschedule. These conversations are supposed to create safety, not more damage.

Step 2: Let Your Yes Be Yes

Scripture puts it plainly: "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Matthew 5:37).

In the context of rebuilding trust, this is everything.

When you make a commitment in your weekly check-in, follow through. If you said you'd initiate prayer together every morning, initiate it. If you said you'd handle a specific responsibility, handle it.

And if you don't, own it immediately. Don't wait for your spouse to bring it up. "I told you I would do this. I didn't. That's on me. Here's what I'm going to do instead."

This kind of proactive ownership builds trust even in the moment of failure. It communicates that you see yourself clearly, that you take your word seriously, and that you're not waiting for permission to acknowledge a mistake.

We've seen couples start with one small daily commitment: praying together. That's it. One spouse initiates every day. Simple. Consistent. And when they come back and can say "we did it every day this week," something has shifted. They've practiced being people of their word with each other.

Trust is not built in the presence of perfection. Nobody rebuilds that way. It's built through the accumulation of small kept commitments, and in honest ownership when those commitments fall short.

How Long Does This Take?

Couples ask us this all the time. How long until trust is restored? How long do we have to keep doing this?

Honest answer: we don't know.

It depends on what happened, how long the wound was there, and where both people are in the process. Some couples move quickly. Others need more time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Comparing your timeline to another couple's just creates pressure that doesn't serve anyone.

We've been married 21 years. At this point, rebuilding trust isn't a phase we're trying to get through. It's just how we try to live. We want to be trustworthy spouses indefinitely, not because we're in repair mode, but because that's what marriage is.

There is no finish line where you earn back trust and then coast. Being a person of your word is the standard, for both of you, for as long as you're in this marriage.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Here's what we covered and what we want you to walk away with:

Trust breaks in more than one way. Affairs get the most attention, but slow, consistent neglect erodes trust just as deeply. Both are real and both can be rebuilt.
Personal responsibility is the starting point. The person who broke trust has to take full ownership before rebuilding can begin. No excuses. No partial apologies.
Invite God into the process. Pray for your spouse, not about your spouse. One softens your heart. The other keeps you stuck.
A weekly check-in creates structure. Fifteen minutes a week, dedicated to trust, keeps the conversation from hijacking everything else in your marriage.
Your word is your integrity. Making and keeping small commitments is how trust is rebuilt over time. Consistency is the currency.
Trust is not built in the presence of perfection. When you fall short, own it immediately. That ownership itself is trust-building.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES

These are the passages that connect to this episode's conversation:

Romans 5:8 - "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God did not wait for us to be trustworthy. Restoration was always his posture. That same posture is available to your marriage.

Matthew 5:37 - "Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.'" The standard for rebuilding trust is straightforward: do what you say. Consistency between your words and your actions is the foundation everything else is built on.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." When the path to rebuilding feels unclear, this is the posture. You don't have to have it all figured out. You have to keep showing up and trust God to direct the steps.

Lamentations 3:22-23 - "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning." Every morning is a fresh opportunity. Every day you show up differently is another brick laid in the foundation of rebuilt trust.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES

Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:

If you're the one who broke trust, where have you been offering explanations instead of ownership? What would full accountability actually look like?
If you're the one who was hurt, is there a part of you that doesn't want your spouse to succeed at rebuilding? What might be underneath that?
When you pray about your marriage, are you praying for your spouse or about your spouse? What's the difference in how those two prayers feel?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how consistent are you between what you say you'll do and what you actually do? Where is the gap?

For Conversation with Your Spouse:

Is there something I've done, or failed to do, that you haven't fully told me because you weren't sure I could handle it? I want to hear it.
What's one small thing I could do this week that would help you feel more safe with me?
What does trust look like to you in practical terms? What am I doing when you feel it, and what am I doing when you don't?
Is there anything about how we're handling this right now that isn't working for you? What would feel safer?

Open-Ended Prompts to Sit With:

What is one commitment I've made to my spouse that I haven't followed through on? What's actually stopped me?
Am I approaching this process as something to endure until it's over, or as something I genuinely want for my marriage?
Where do I need God's help most in this season?

About the Authors

Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT

Sarah-Gayle holds a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University and has 15+ years of experience helping Christian couples build stronger, more connected marriages. She and her husband Chad have been married 20+ years and co-host the Hope Relentless podcast together.

Chad Galbreath, Ordained Minister

Chad is an ordained minister with a Bachelor's in Sociology from UCLA and 15+ years of experience helping married couples find practical, lasting breakthrough. Together with Sarah-Gayle, he leads marriage workshops, teaches at local churches, and co-hosts the Hope Relentless Christian Marriage Podcast.

How Curiosity Saves Your Marriage

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 05:57:10 GMT

Curiosity Saves Your Marriage

You have lived with this person for years. You know their coffee order, their pet peeves, the face they make when they're pretending to be fine. And somewhere along the way, that familiarity quietly replaced curiosity. You stopped asking. They stopped sharing. Not because anything was wrong, exactly. Just because you thought you already knew.

That's how most marriages drift. Not with a blowup. With assumptions.

In this episode, we're talking about how to get that curiosity back, why it matters more than most couples realize, and how to make sure it feels like connection rather than cross-examination.

Prefer to listen or watch rather than read?

Podcast provides an audio option, YouTube provides an option to watch.

EPISODE SUMMARY

Most couples assume they know their spouse. That assumption is one of the quietest threats in a long marriage.

Nobody decides to stop being interested in the person they love. It just happens. Conversations stay surface-level. The questions stop. You're still talking, but you've stopped really listening. And if you've been married long enough, you've probably felt it: the sense that you're great partners in life but somehow not as close as you used to be.

That's what we're unpacking in this episode, and it comes down to one thing: curiosity.

Curiosity and Connection

When Chad and I work with couples, one of the first things we notice is how much familiarity has replaced curiosity. After 20-plus years of marriage, it's easy to assume you know what your spouse thinks, what they meant, or how they feel. But that assumption is the beginning of drift.

Curiosity is what keeps the conversation going past the surface. It's "tell me more about that" instead of moving on. It's "when that happened, what were you thinking?" instead of filling in the answer yourself. Those kinds of questions do two things at once: they draw your spouse out to share more, and they signal that you're still genuinely interested. That combination, being drawn out and feeling interesting to your partner, is the heartbeat of friendship inside a marriage.

Chad made a point that landed hard for us: so many couples, when we ask how they met and what drew them together, describe a friendship. There was something there beyond attraction. They enjoyed each other. They were curious about each other. And somewhere in the busyness of kids, careers, and building a life, that curiosity faded. Getting it back isn't as complicated as it might feel. It starts with a question.

Curiosity and Communication

Curiosity also does something powerful when conversations get hard. It reduces defensiveness.

Chad is honest that one of his own patterns, what the Gottman Institute would call one of the Four Horsemen, is defensiveness. When Sarah-Gayle shares something difficult, his instinct is to explain, justify, or excuse. But when he replaces that impulse with curiosity, the conversation changes. It stops being about him. It stays with Sarah-Gayle. And she gets to keep sharing.

Sarah-Gayle puts it this way: the more confused or reactive you feel in a conversation, the stronger the signal to get curious. That confusion is a cue, not a call to push back. Because here's the thing: you already know what you think. The goal of the conversation is to understand what your spouse thinks, where they're coming from, and what they're actually saying.

She uses an example she gives couples in sessions: "There's a dinosaur in my office." When clients hear that, some get confused, some get defensive. They say, "Dinosaurs are extinct. That's not right." But the ones who are practicing curiosity say, "It sounds like you're saying there's a dinosaur in your office. Is that right?" And when they stay curious, Sarah-Gayle eventually tells them: it's a stuffed animal on her couch.

If they had shut her down at the first moment of confusion, they would have never gotten to the truth of what she was saying. That's what happens in marriages every day. We cut off our spouse before we understand them, and then we wonder why they stop sharing.

What Curiosity Isn't

There's a version of curiosity that doesn't feel like interest. It feels like an interrogation.

Sarah-Gayle had a wife in a session who said she didn't want her husband to be curious because when he asked questions, she felt like she had to prove herself. He would jump from question to question without ever pausing to acknowledge what she said. She couldn't think. She felt attacked.

The difference between curiosity that connects and curiosity that corners often comes down to a few things.

Validation before questions.

The word "why" by itself can feel like a verdict. "Why did you do that?" lands very differently than first acknowledging what your spouse said and then asking a follow-up. Validation before any question, just a simple "I hear you saying..." or "It sounds like...," tells your spouse they've been heard before anything else happens. That lowers defenses and opens the door. Without it, even a well-intentioned question can feel like a challenge.

Tone.

Chad shared something he'd sent Sarah-Gayle about tone: if your voice is calm, you can ask almost anything and it will land okay. The same question said gently and said sharply creates completely different outcomes. When working with couples, one word that often comes up from wives is that they want conversations to feel more gentle. Tone is the delivery system for everything else.

A check-in.

Before jumping into a question, checking in first matters. "Can I ask you something?" isn't walking on eggshells. It's courtesy. It signals that you know the other person is speaking and you're not going to bulldoze the conversation with your own agenda. It also helps keep track of who has the floor, which makes the whole conversation cleaner.

Reassurance.

Sarah-Gayle said reassurance is like a commission multiplier in sales. Every conversation gets better when you add it. "I'm asking because I care about you" or "I'm committed to this" reframes the question before it's even fully asked. It makes clear that the point isn't to win or to catch your spouse in something. The point is connection.

Personal Responsibility in the Middle of It

There's a gap that can exist between couples in hard conversations. And the fastest way to close it is when both people take personal responsibility for closing it.

If you're the one asking questions and your spouse gets defensive, the instinct is to point that out. But the more helpful question is: what can I take ownership of that helps my spouse feel safer? Take one step toward them. And when your spouse does the same, choosing not to assume the worst and not to jump to conclusions, both of you move toward each other at once.

That's how the gap closes. Not by one person being perfect at curiosity. By both people taking responsibility for the space between them.

What You Need for Curiosity to Work

Curiosity requires margin. Real connection needs time, not a 60-second window between tasks.

One of the most powerful things you can offer your spouse is the sense that you have nowhere else to be. That there's no rush. That they don't have to compress what they're feeling into a quick summary before you move on. That kind of presence is what makes a conversation feel like it actually mattered.

Schedule some time this week. Pull up the reflection questions below. Practice the things we talked about. Curiosity is a skill, and the more you use it, the more your marriage stays alive to what's still being discovered.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Here's what we covered and what we want you to walk away with:

Familiarity is a silent threat to connection. Long marriages don't drift because of big blowups. They drift because of assumptions. Curiosity is the correction.
Curiosity signals interest. When you ask a genuine follow-up question, your spouse hears: I'm still interested in you. That's more powerful than most couples realize.
Curiosity reduces defensiveness. Replacing your instinct to explain or push back with a genuine question keeps the conversation safe and moving forward.
Validation before questions is the key. Acknowledging what your spouse said before asking anything changes the entire tone of the exchange.
Tone is everything. The same question asked gently or sharply creates completely different outcomes. Gentleness is not weakness. It's skill.
Curiosity is a skill you build. Schedule the time. Use the questions. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes, and the more your marriage reflects it.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES

These are the passages that connect to this episode's conversation:

Proverbs 20:5 — "The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." Your spouse has more going on inside than what surfaces in small talk. Curiosity is what draws it out.

James 1:19 — "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." This verse is a blueprint for how curiosity should feel: listening first, speaking second, reactions last.

Philippians 2:3-4 — "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Curiosity is humility in action. It says: you matter more than my need to be right.

Proverbs 18:2 — "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." Genuine curiosity requires we prioritize understanding over being understood.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES

Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:

When did you last ask your spouse a question you didn't think you knew the answer to? What does that tell you?
Is there an area where you've been assuming instead of asking, filling in the blanks rather than letting your spouse speak?
Think about the last time a conversation went sideways. What would curiosity have changed?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally safe does your spouse feel sharing with you? What's one thing you could change?

For Conversation with Your Spouse:

Is there something you've wanted to share but haven't, because you weren't sure how I'd respond? I want to hear it.
What's one area where you feel like I've been assuming instead of asking? Help me understand what's true.
What would it look like to have a conversation where we both stayed curious the whole way through?
What's one question you wish I asked you more often?

Open-Ended Questions to Practice:

What's been on your mind lately that we haven't had a chance to talk about?
Is there something you're working through right now that I don't know about?
What's something you're looking forward to in the next few months?
How are you really doing, not the short answer, but really?
What's one thing I could do this week that would mean a lot to you?

Want to go deeper?

We work with couples one-on-one to build communication and connection that lasts. If this episode stirred something up and you want help working through it, we'd love to talk.

About the Authors

Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT

Chad Galbreath, Ordained Minister

When Life Hits One of You Harder: How to Stay Connected When You're Not Impacted the Same Way

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 23:54:29 GMT

When Life Hits One of You Harder: How to Stay Connected When You're Not Impacted the Same Way

A couple , Sarah-Gayle has been working with recently. They're an interracial couple. With everything happening in the United States right now, one spouse is struggling. She's fearful about her personal safety. Anxious about walking into a grocery store. Overwhelmed by what she sees as a real and present threat.

Her husband doesn't share the same fear. He finds it hard to understand. He thinks it's a little irrational.

They love each other. That was never the question.

In this episode of the Hope Relentless podcast , Chad and Sarah-Gayle tackle one of the most common, least talked about sources of marital disconnect: what do you do when a situation, a fear, or a cultural moment hits one of you in ways the other simply doesn't feel?

This episode is about what actually helps.

Prefer to listen or watch rather than read?

Podcast provides an audio option, YouTube provides an option to watch.

In this episode, we cover:

Why the same event hits two people in a marriage completely differently — and why that’s not a problem to solve
Two foundational mindsets that change how every hard conversation starts
The validation framework Chad and Sarah-Gayle use with couples (and in their own marriage)
Why opening a hard conversation with prayer shifts the entire dynamic
How to manage your personal consumption before it damages your connection
The internal work you need to do before bringing a hard topic to your spouse

The Problem Is Real. And It's Not About Love.

The couple Sarah-Gayle is working with loves each other deeply. Love was never the issue. The issue is that they're living in the same marriage, with the same news cycle, and experiencing two completely different realities. One is scared. One doesn't understand the fear.

This shows up in all kinds of marriages. Not just across cultural lines. It shows up when one spouse loses a parent, and the other feels helpless. When one feels called to a career change, and the other worries about security. When a political season hits one person's identity in ways the other simply can't feel.

The most dangerous response is the quiet one. One spouse decides the other's experience doesn't make sense and pulls back. Two people can share a home for years while slowly losing each other.

Two Mindsets Before the Conversation Even Starts

Before any practical tools, Chad and Sarah-Gayle teach two foundational mindsets that change the entire shape of a hard conversation.

The first is we are on the same team . If one spouse is struggling, overwhelmed, or fearful, the other doesn’t get to wash their hands of it. Being on the same team means showing up even when you don’t fully understand what your spouse is experiencing.

The second is communication is about connection . In hard conversations, it’s easy to start debating accuracy: definitions, facts, whether a fear is objectively rational. Words matter, yes. But using accuracy to erode connection is a losing strategy. The goal is to understand your spouse and feel understood.

These two mindsets, held together before a conversation starts, change everything about how it goes.

The Validation Framework That Actually Works

One practical tool Chad and Sarah-Gayle consistently use: the “both and” approach to validation.

Validation doesn’t mean agreement. It doesn’t even require full understanding. It means creating space for both spouses’ experiences to exist at the same time. Honoring what your spouse is saying before you respond.

A simple phrase that works: “What I hear you saying is _____. Is that correct?”

That last piece, “is that correct?”, opens a safe bridge for clarification. Sometimes your spouse will hear your summary and want to adjust a word. Sometimes you missed part of it, and they can fill in the gap. Either way, it signals you’re genuinely trying to understand them, not waiting for your turn to respond.

One more reminder: keep sharing bite-sized. The longer someone talks, the less their partner absorbs. Check in as you go: “Am I following you correctly?” Then move forward together.

If you're wondering why staying silent feels easier than speaking up, read Christian Marriage Communication: Why Hiding Your Struggles Is Costing You.

Three More Anchors for These Conversations

Pray Together

Open or close the hard conversation with prayer. Ask God to soften your hearts and open your minds. That single act shifts the goal from proving a point to understanding a person. It moves both spouses toward humility before a word is spoken.

Celebrate What Goes Well

Philippians 4:8 says to fix your mind on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Proverbs 23:7 reminds us we become what we think about. When a hard conversation goes well, even partially, stop and acknowledge it. Those celebrated moments become the foundation for the next conversation.

Own Your Consumption

Chad asks a direct question when he notices his consumption affecting how he shows up: Is what I’m consuming helping me love my wife well, love my kids well, love my neighbors well? Or is it leaving me frustrated, agitated, and withdrawn? If consumption is producing the fruit of the Spirit, keep going. If it’s producing division and resentment, at least pause.

A Word From Scripture

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.” — Philippians 4:8

Read alongside Proverbs 23:7 (“as a man or woman thinks, so is he or she”) the principle is clear: what you fill your mind with shapes not just how you see the world, but how you show up in your marriage. When navigating a topic that hits one of you differently, choosing to focus on what’s working is a spiritual discipline. It produces more of what you need.

Key Takeaways From This Episode

Unequal impact doesn’t mean one person is wrong. Both spouses’ experiences deserve space in the marriage.
The “same team” mindset and “communication is about connection” mindset change everything about how hard conversations start.
Validation isn’t agreement. Use “What I hear you saying is ___. Is that correct?” as a safe bridge.
Keep sharing bite-sized. Check in as you go so both spouses stay engaged and tracking.
Pray together before or after hard conversations. It shifts the entire orientation.
Own your personal consumption. What you fill up on, you bring into your marriage.
Do the internal work first. Know what you need before you bring it to your spouse.

Reflection Questions For You and Your Spouse

Is there a topic between us that one person feels more deeply about? Are we creating space for both of our experiences, or does one voice tend to get louder?
When your spouse shares something that feels irrational to you, is your first instinct to correct them or to get curious?
What are you currently consuming, and is it making you easier or harder to be married to?
Can you name one recent conversation that went well, even partially? What made it work?

If this episode hit close to home, you don't have to navigate this season alone. Chad and Sarah-Gayle work with couples facing grief, disconnection, miscommunication, emotional distance, and the weight of starting over. Book a free consultation and let's talk about where you are and what's possible for your marriage.

For more on navigating seasons where you keep missing each other, read How to Stay Connected in Marriage During Hard Times

If any part of this resonated, pay attention to that. Drift doesn't announce itself. It gets quieter until the distance starts to feel normal. The free consultation is one honest conversation, 30 minutes to get clear on where you are and what your marriage actually needs right now. No commitment required.

About the Authors

Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT

Chad Galbreath, Ordained Minister

How to Stay Connected in Marriage During Hard Times

Wed, 08 Apr 2026 17:04:39 GMT

How to Stay Connected in Marriage During Hard Times

Christian Marriage Grief & Loss

Four months into their marriage, Sarah-Gayle got a phone call that changed everything. Her brother died. She cried every day for over a year. And Chad, not wanting to add to her burden, quietly shut down his own needs and emotions.

That's how emotional drift starts. Not with a blowup. With silence.

In this episode of the Hope Relentless podcast , Chad and Sarah-Gayle open up about how to stay connected in marriage during hard times: grief, business failure, and the seasons where they kept missing each other. Here's what helped, what didn't, and four anchors that held their marriage together when life fell apart.

Prefer to listen or watch rather than read?

Podcast provides an audio option, YouTube provides an option to watch.

In this episode, we cover:

Why suppressing your own needs to 'protect' your spouse quietly disconnects you both
How three family losses in five years tested Sarah-Gayle's faith and their marriage
What happened when the business failed, and they had to start over in a new city
The 'both and' mindset that creates space for both spouses in hard seasons
Four anchors that held their marriage together: community, personal faith, forgiveness, and service

The Comparison Trap: When One Person's Pain Silences the Other

When Sarah-Gayle lost her brother four months into their marriage, Chad made a quiet decision. His frustrations didn't seem to matter compared to what she was navigating. So he stopped bringing them up. Stopped sharing. Started suppressing.

It felt like a sacrifice. Over time, it became drift.

Chad and Sarah-Gayle call this the comparison trap. It's the moment one spouse decides their needs aren't worth mentioning because the other person's pain seems bigger. The problem is that comparison doesn't protect the grieving spouse. It just silences the other one. Two people can share a home for years while slowly losing each other emotionally.

The phrase they use now with couples is the 'both and.' Both spouses matter. Both experiences deserve space. You don't have to wait for the grief to lift before your voice gets to exist in the marriage.

If your spouse is going through something heavy right now, ask yourself: Am I still fully in this marriage, or have I quietly become support staff?

The comparison trap doesn't only show up in grief. It shows up in financial hardship, when one spouse decides their stress about money doesn't count compared to how hard the other is working. It shows up in parenting seasons, when one person is running on empty but decides their exhaustion doesn't matter because the other one looks more tired. It shows up after a health crisis, a career loss, a miscarriage, a prodigal child.

The form changes. The dynamic is the same. One person goes quiet to make room for the other, and slowly, both people end up alone. What makes the comparison trap stubborn is that it doesn't feel like a mistake when you're in it. It feels like love. Choosing not to burden your spouse with your needs, in a season when they're already carrying so much, feels like the kind thing to do.

A marriage where one person has no voice isn't a protected marriage. It's an unbalanced one. And unbalanced things eventually fall.

The "both and" isn't a technique. It's a posture. It's deciding together that this marriage has room for two people, even in the seasons when one person's pain takes up more space. It doesn't mean forcing equal airtime. It means neither spouse disappears.

In practice it often starts with one question, asked genuinely: "How are you doing in all of this?" Not as a formality. As a real invitation for the spouse who has gone quiet to come back.

When Life Hits One of You Harder goes deeper on what to do when one spouse carries more weight than the other.

When Grief Stacks: The Faith Crisis That Comes With It

Sarah-Gayle didn't lose one person. Within five to seven years, she lost her brother, her mother, and her sister. Each loss arrived before the last one was fully processed.

And in the middle of all of it, she was wrestling with a harder question than most couples ever talk about: Is God still good?

She had been believing for her brother's healing. She had a picture of his future in her mind. When he died, it wasn't just grief. It was a faith crisis. And that kind of crisis doesn't just affect the grieving spouse. It ripples through the entire marriage.

What pulled her through wasn't a perfect theological answer. It was a decision. She raised her hands in worship after her brother died, choosing to hold God at his word: 'give thanks in all things,' not because circumstances proved his goodness, but because she resolved to anchor her faith there. That conviction carried her through the next two losses as well.

If your marriage looks fine on the outside but feels stuck on the inside, Christian Marriage Communication: Why Hiding Your Struggles Is Costing You speaks directly to that.

How to Stay Connected in Marriage When You Keep Missing Each Other

Around years 10 to 12, Chad and Sarah-Gayle closed a business they had poured everything into and moved from Los Angeles to Arizona to start over. New city. New jobs. No roadmap.

That's when they kept missing each other. Sarah-Gayle needed encouragement and emotional presence. Chad needed her to lock in and push forward with him. She wanted him to solve the problem. He wanted her to meet him in the resolve. Neither of them was wrong. But they kept showing up to the same marriage expecting completely different things.

Chad remembers praying during that season and feeling a very clear challenge from God: You'll find a way to justify whatever you want to justify. So which direction do you want to look?

That shift, from blame to asking 'how am I contributing to the solution?' is where things began to change. Not overnight. There were hurtful words along the way. But forgiveness created a clean slate, and a clean slate made it possible to start rebuilding.

One pattern they see consistently in the couples they work with: resentment that builds when spouses feel unseen in a hard season. Forgiveness isn't passive. It's a decision to trust God with the healing and refuse to let the pile keep stacking.

Four Anchors That Hold a Marriage Together in Hard Seasons

Chad and Sarah-Gayle close the episode with four things that sustained their marriage across grief, business failure, and the weight of starting over. These aren't theories. They're the things that actually worked.

1. Community / Local Church

They were already planted in a local church in LA, not as spectators, but as people who had served and built real relationships. When the losses came, people brought food, prayed with them, and showed up. Community didn't replace God in their story, but it was the hands and feet of his grace in tangible form.

The keyword is planted. Not attending. Not visiting. Planted, with roots deep enough that when the storm hit, the community was already there. Most couples we work with who feel alone in a hard season have the same story underneath: they had been circling the church rather than actually connecting in it.

Showing up on Sundays but never joining a small group, never serving, never letting anyone in close enough to know what was actually happening at home. Community only shows up for you when it knows you. That kind of belonging gets built slowly, in the ordinary seasons, so it's there when the hard ones arrive.

If your marriage is struggling right now and you feel isolated, ask yourself honestly: have we actually let anyone in, or have we been protecting an image? Real community requires real vulnerability. And real vulnerability is exactly what most couples avoid until they're desperate. Stop performing for your church community and start building within it. The roots you put down today are what hold you when the ground shifts.

2. Personal Relationship with God

Separate from church attendance, both Chad and Sarah-Gayle had individual faith lives that continued to grow even during the hard seasons. That's where the 'both and' insight came from. That's where the conviction about God's goodness took hold. Individual faith sustained the marriage even when the marriage was struggling.

There's a difference between going to church and actually walking with God. Both matter, but they're not the same thing. Community can carry you through a hard season. Personal faith is what grows you through it. For Chad and Sarah-Gayle, the "both and" insight didn't come from a counseling session or a conversation with a friend. It came from time alone with God. So did the conviction that he was still good even when the outcomes didn't match the prayers.

What this looks like in practice varies from person to person. For some, it's daily Scripture. For others, it's journaling, prayer walks, or worship. The format matters less than the consistency. A marriage under pressure needs two people who are each drawing from something deeper than the relationship itself. If you're leaning entirely on your spouse to be your spiritual anchor, that's too much weight for one person to carry. Your personal relationship with God is not a supplement to your marriage. It's a foundation under it.

3. Forgiveness

Hurt people hurt people. They say it plainly. In survival mode, couples wound each other. Forgiveness wasn't the absence of pain. It was the decision not to let resentment stack. It's difficult to forgive a spouse when you don't first recognize how much you've already been forgiven yourself.

Survival mode has a cost. When couples are under enough pressure, they say things that land hard. They withdraw at the wrong moment. They push when their spouse needs space, or disappear when their spouse needs presence. Nobody is at their best in a crisis. Most couples acknowledge the wounding. What trips them up is what they do with it afterward. Every unaddressed offense gets filed away. And over time, that pile becomes the lens through which your spouse sees everything you do.

Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending the hurt didn't happen. It means deciding not to keep adding it to the case against your spouse. It means trusting God with the healing rather than keeping score yourself. The hardest part for most people isn't forgiving. It's feeling justified in not forgiving. The offense was real. The pain is real. But resentment held onto long enough becomes a wall, and walls don't just keep your spouse out. They keep you in.

If forgiveness feels impossible right now, start here: you have been forgiven more than you have been hurt. Let that be the ground you stand on.

4. Serving Each Other

Even in the hardest seasons, choosing to serve the other person created the bridge back to connection. Service is what turns individual faith into relational repair. It's the move that says 'I still choose you' even when the feelings aren't there yet.

Most couples wait to feel connected before they start acting like it. Service flips that. You act your way into a feeling, not feel your way into an action. In the hard seasons, serving your spouse rarely looks dramatic. It's making the coffee before they ask. It's taking something off their plate without being told. It's sitting with them in a hard moment instead of trying to fix it. Small, deliberate choices that say "I still see you" when everything else is loud.

The hard part is that difficult seasons are usually when both spouses feel the most depleted. You're running low yourself. Serving when you have nothing left feels impossible, or at best, unfair. Chad and Sarah-Gayle didn't serve each other because they had plenty to give. They served each other as a decision, before the feelings caught up. The connection didn't come first and produce the service. The service came first and eventually rebuilt the connection.

You don't wait until you feel close to start choosing your spouse. You choose your spouse until you feel close again.

What Scripture Says About Marriage in Hard Seasons

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." — Romans 8:28

This verse isn't a promise that painful things won't happen. It's an anchor for when they do. Sarah-Gayle returned to this truth repeatedly through three losses: brother, mother, sister. Even when the outcome didn't match what she had prayed for, she chose to trust that God was working something she couldn't fully see yet. That conviction didn't come from a moment of easy belief. It was forged in real grief.

Key Takeaways: How to Stay Connected in Marriage During Hard Seasons

Comparison quietly disconnects couples. Both spouses' needs matter, even in a season of grief.
A faith crisis is often just as disruptive to a marriage as the loss itself. Name it, don't avoid it.
Staying connected during hard times starts with asking how you're contributing to the solution, not just what your spouse is getting wrong.
Forgiveness isn't optional in hard seasons. It's what prevents resentment from becoming a permanent wall.
Community, personal faith, forgiveness, and service are the four anchors that hold a marriage together when life falls apart.

Reflection Questions for Couples Going Through Hard Times

Is there something one of us has been holding back to protect the other? Is there space for both of us to be honest right now?
In our current hard season, are we fighting against each other or alongside each other?
Which of the four anchors (community, personal faith, forgiveness, or serving each other) feels weakest in our marriage right now?

If this episode hit close to home, you don't have to navigate this season alone. Chad and Sarah-Gayle work with couples facing grief, disconnection, and the weight of starting over. Book a free consultation and let's talk about where you are and what's possible for your marriage.

About the Authors

Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT

Chad Galbreath, Ordained Minister

Christian Marriage Communication: Why Hiding Your Struggles Is Costing You

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 22:56:45 GMT

Christian Marriage Communication Why Hiding is Costing You

Episode - Step Into the Light: God's Path to Healing In Your Marriage

Most Christian couples we meet are doing exactly what you might be doing right now — keeping it together in public and managing the tension at home . You're not hiding because you don't care. You're hiding because you feel like you're supposed to have it figured out. If you've been leading a ministry, running a business, or just being the person your friends look to — and your marriage has been quietly struggling behind the scenes — this episode is for you.

Episode Summary:

In this episode, we're talking about something that doesn't get said enough in Christian circles: struggling in your marriage doesn't mean your faith is weak. One does not equal the other.

We know this firsthand. When Chad and I met, his opening line was inviting me to church — so faith was part of our relationship from day one. We served together in youth ministry, got married, joined the staff of a local church, and were leading a team of 30-40 volunteers and a ministry of a couple of hundred students.

And our Christian marriage communication? A mess. We were having real arguments at home, managing real tension, and feeling this quiet weight of shame about it — because we were supposed to be setting the example.

Nobody called us out. So we kept pushing through instead of getting help. And the communication didn't get better.

That pattern is what we see over and over in the couples we work with now. Business leaders. Senior pastors. Ministry directors. People who are excellent at what they do professionally, carrying a private weight at home that nobody around them knows about. They give advice, they lead, they preach — and simultaneously feel like something's off because their marriage doesn't match what they're communicating publicly.

One of the men we worked with was part of the executive leadership at a local church. He and his wife were sleeping in different rooms. He'd go into work and feel it all day. The weight wasn't coming from pursuing health — it was coming from protecting an image. That's the difference. And choosing image over health is exhausting.

Here's what scripture actually says about getting help. In Proverbs 15:22, plans fail without counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Proverbs 11:14 says where there's no guidance, people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to listen to advice and accept instruction so we can gain wisdom. Counsel isn't a modern therapy concept — it's woven through the whole of scripture.

And here's the piece that matters most: there is no condemnation in Christ. Because we're righteous in Him, we don't have to walk around in shame about where our marriage is right now. Shame keeps things in the dark. Bringing things into the light is where healing has the chance to begin.

There's also something worth saying about what the people around you already notice. We think that if nobody calls us out, nobody noticed. But you can tell when a couple is tender versus cold. Your kids pick it up. Your closest friends feel it. People who look to you as a leader sense it. Projecting health when the reality is different doesn't work as well as we hope.

The Holy Spirit is already showing you where there's more for your marriage. That quiet sense that something's off isn't condemnation — it's an invitation. Marriage is meant to reflect Christ and his church, and that reflection is worth protecting. Not by hiding what's broken, but by taking it to the light where it can actually heal.

Wherever you are today, you can't go back — but you can make a decision to take a step. Whether that's clearing time for consistent date nights, reaching out for couples counseling, or simply having an honest conversation with your spouse. Your marriage matters. And there's a lot of qualified people who'd love to come alongside you in this season.

Key Takeaways

Here's what we covered and what we want you to walk away with:

Struggling in your marriage doesn't equal weak faith. These are separate things. High-capacity, deeply committed Christians struggle in marriage. That's not a faith failure — it's an invitation to grow.
Shame keeps you stuck. Scripture doesn't call you to manage the appearance of health. It calls you to pursue real health. There's no condemnation in Christ — that's a foundation, not a platitude.
Counsel is biblical. Proverbs 15:22, 11:14, and 19:20 all say the same thing: wisdom comes through getting help. This isn't weakness — it's what God prescribes.
Projecting an image over health is costly. The people closest to you — your kids, your friends, your team — can already sense something's off. The gap between what you project and what you're living takes a real toll.
A step toward health is a step of leadership. When you pursue christian marriage communication and growth, you give the people who look to you permission to do the same. Humility is contagious.

Scripture References

These are the passages we referenced or that connect to this episode's conversation:

Proverbs 15:22 — "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed."
Getting help isn't optional — it's how plans actually work.

Proverbs 11:14 — "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety."
Safety comes from counsel, not from hiding.

Proverbs 19:20 — "Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future."
Wisdom is the goal. Counsel is the path.

Romans 8:1 — "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
The shame you're carrying isn't from God.

Ephesians 5:25-33 — Marriage as a reflection of Christ and the church. It's meant to tell a story — one worth protecting and investing in.

Philippians 4:13 — "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
Including having the courage to bring your marriage into the light.

Reflection Questions for Couples:

Grab some coffee, sit down together, and talk through these:

1. Is there an area in your marriage that you've been managing privately instead of bringing into the light? What's kept you from asking for help

2. Are you more committed to projecting health in your marriage, or pursuing it? What does that difference look like in your day-to-day life?

3. The people closest to you — your kids, your team, your closest friends — can they tell something's off? What would it mean to stop managing the perception and start doing the work?

4. What's one practical step you could take this week toward your marriage? Clearing your calendar for a real date night? Reaching out to a counselor? Having a conversation you've been avoiding?

Additional Episodes:

How to Stay Connected During Hard Times

When Lif e Hits One of You Harder

Marriage Myths That Ruin Relationships & How to Avoid Them

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 20:56:02 GMT

In today's podcast, we look at three of the most common marriage myths that have a negative impact on relationships. We expose the myths and highlight alternatives that strengthen and support our relationships.

Does true love take work?

Can you fall in and out of love?

Is counseling for messed up couples?

Hope Relentless Podcast

Marriage Podcast: Communication Patterns & Finding Healthy Alternatives

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 04:00:53 GMT

In today's podcast, we talk about communication patterns. At Hope Relentless we work with couples every day. One of the most common areas of growth is communication. Oftentimes, couples stop communicating because when they do communicate it makes matters worse and not better.

Today that changes. Listen and learn how to identify the toxic patterns that are causing frustration, pain, and hopelessness and replace them with life-giving alternatives.

Marriage Podcast: Growth that Last

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 23 Aug 2023 17:16:26 GMT

In today's marriage podcast, we discuss the Yo-Yo effect that couples can experience around communication. Often times when couples go to counseling they experience a breakthrough in their communication. Suddenly they are able to communicate on a better more consistent level. This brings hope, confidence, and increased connection in the relationship. But what happens when a conversation returns to the old hurtful pattern. Join us today as we discuss what to do and how couples can reduce the back-and-forth experience.

Marriage Podcast: Conquering Loneliness Together

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 16 Aug 2023 15:44:18 GMT

In today's podcast, we dive deep into the often unspoken challenge of loneliness within marriages. Feeling alone within a relationship is a hurdle many couples face, but the good news is that there are practical steps you can take to overcome this emotional barrier and strengthen your bond.

Join us as we explore heartfelt stories, expert insights, and actionable advice that will help you and your partner create a deeper connection, forge new pathways of communication, and rediscover the joy of togetherness.

Whether you've just started feeling the pangs of loneliness or have been struggling with it for a while, this episode will guide you towards rekindling the flame of intimacy and shared purpose within your marriage. Don't miss this opportunity to learn how to make your relationship a haven of unwavering support and companionship.

If you want to submit a question to be answered on the podcast please email: sarahgayle@hoperelentless.com

Marriage Podcast: Boundaries in Communication, The What & The How

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 09 Aug 2023 23:24:44 GMT

In today's marriage podcast, we talk about the importance of what we say and how we say it. Often times in marriage we can be in a conversation and completely forget what we are talking about and what we are trying to accomplish. It is important in difficult conversations to have a purpose in mind with each conversation. Are we attempting to solve an issue, are we being present and simply offering a listening ear etc.

And the how we communicate with our spouse is equally important. Tone, body language, and eye contact can all be key elements in how we communicate. Not all conversations will lead to a resolution which is why the "How" becomes so important.

Marriage Podcast: Communication, Keeping the Main Thing, the Main Thing

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 02 Aug 2023 23:19:41 GMT

In today's podcast, we discuss the importance of boundaries around our communication. As Hope Relentless works daily with marriages we recognize patterns and pitfalls that are common for couples. One of them is the lack of boundaries around communication. Listen and learn practical and impactful ideas that can unlock a deeper more meaningful level of communication.

Marriage Podcast: Affair Proof Your Marriage

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 23:15:39 GMT

In todays podcast, we talk about the importance of boundaries. One of the more heart breaking events to guide a marriage through is an affair. The broken trust, tangible pain are real. We have worked with numerous courageous couples that have bounced back from an affair. But todays podcast, we discuss how boundaries with the opposite sex can protect us from potentially compromising situations.

Marriage Podcast: Mind Reading They Should Know

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 19 Jul 2023 23:10:28 GMT

In today's podcast, we talk about communication. That's right communication is a hot topic when it comes to healthy relationships. Today we address some potential myths.

If we have been together for years shouldn't they already know what I want?

It's ok if I cut them off because I already know what they are going to say.

Listen to the podcast as we address some of these common myths and how they impact our relationships.

For more information check out our site:

www.hoperelentless.com

Marriage Podcast: Same Team

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 23:05:27 GMT

In today's podcast, we discuss the importance of being on the same team as your spouse.

Marriage Podcast: Should Marriage Take Work?

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 06 Jul 2023 04:08:03 GMT

In today's episode, we discuss if marriage should be easy or hard. When counseling couples many people wonder if they chose the wrong person. If they were married to the right person then marriage should be easy or at least easier than they are currently experiencing.

In the episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle discuss what a healthy marriage looks like and what the proper amount of "work" looks like in marriage. Should marriage take work?

Marriage Podcast: Our Past & Our Marriage

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 29 Jun 2023 04:01:44 GMT

In today's podcast, we discuss how our past can impact our marriage. When working with couples we find that our past relationships and our childhood can play a significant role in our current marriage. If we find ourselves hitting consistent barriers and displaying patterned behavior that isn't supporting our marriage then it may be a signal that we need to look back at our past to get some perspective and healing.

Marriage Podcast: Mindset & Marriage

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 22 Jun 2023 01:34:02 GMT

In today's podcast, we discuss the importance of mindset within marriage. How and what we think about our marriage and about our spouse is crucial to the overall health and strength of our marriage. Learn practical tips to first recognize where you are at with your mindset. Then we discuss some practical ways on how we can improve our mindset and ultimately turn our thoughts into something that builds and strengthens our marriage.

Hope Relentless

Marriage Podcast: Balancing Life & Marriage

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 15 Jun 2023 01:21:38 GMT

In Today's podcast, we discuss how to keep our marriage vibrant in the midst of busy seasons of life. Marriages need to learn how to prioritize and schedule the important over the urgent. Careers, kids, family members friends are all important parts of our life. They are all worth our attention and our energy, but so is our marriage. Different seasons of life carry with them different challenges, but regardless of the season it is important that we prioritize the health and strength of our marriage in a meaningful way.

Hope Relentless

Marriage Podcast: Importance of Wise Counsel

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Thu, 08 Jun 2023 01:08:48 GMT

In Today's podcast, we discuss the wisdom and strength of getting help. Often times marriages wait between 6-7 years before getting marriage help. The reality is that when it comes to marriage we all benefit from wisdom, support, and encouragement during our marital adventure. Seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness. Marriage is like a lot of important areas of our life. It takes intentionality in order to move forward and grow. And our marriages are worth it. When we seek counsel from other sources it adds value to our relationship.

Hope Relentless

Comfort Zones Are So Cozy

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Mon, 20 Feb 2023 19:19:34 GMT

They are what we cling to

Comfort zones are cozy aren’t they?

They are what we cling to when we are under stress and what we depend on in unrest.

They boast protection, peace and ease,

Yet, apathy appease.

Dreams dismantled, hopes deferred,

Vision blurred. Comfort.

Familiarity and the good old days.

The predictability of dependable ways.

Comfort Zones are where marriages go to die.

Why try?

We are made for more.

To grow and explore.

To defy comfort in every sphere

To live by faith year by year.

Give yourself the chance to be who you really are,

You've come so far, go beyond...

your comfort.

Podcast: Power of Personal Responsibility in our Marriage

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Tue, 07 Feb 2023 23:14:02 GMT

How Personal Responsibility Strengthens Our Marriage.

Transcription:

Hi there, my name is Sarah-Gayle, and I'm Chad and we're with Hope Relentless Marriage and Relationship Center . We hope you are having a fantastic day. We're going to be talking about some personal responsibility and how it's significant when we each can take individual ownership of our own lives because it impacts the marriage directly.

At Hope Relentless, we work with marriages and couples predominantly in Arizona, but really across the country, and there is a common theme between relationships. The reality is when both individuals are unhealthy, struggling with different addictions, different individual challenges. They take that into the relationship, so it's hard to have a healthy relationship.

But when there are two individuals that we are working with that have good patterns and habits and are pursuing growth and individual health, then the health and growth of the relationship becomes significantly easier.

So today what we want to talk about is this idea of personal responsibility for our individual health. As I grow as an individual, as I pursue health and wholeness in my own life. Then I bring that and add value to our relationship, And it's the same thing for Sarah-Gayle.

I think what happens is we get married and we're like. Oh, you complete me.

Where is that from? Do you know what that's from? You complete me, haha?

That's Jerry Maguire, Jerry Maguire.

My favorite Jerry Mcguire quote is different. It's “show me the money”.

Of course, we might be dating ourselves. Some people watching are like. What Is Jerry Mcguire? A really good movie, actually, anyways.

So we think you complete me and we're looking to another human being to meet the deepest of deep needs in our souls, and it just sets them up for failure. It sets us up for frustration, and so when it comes to taking personal responsibility, it's recognizing that no other human being can complete you, or can meet all of your needs. And even if they try, and even if they do some of the time, it's not going to be all the time.

And so what I like to tell couples I work with is to think about. Ask yourself the question. Is this a need that I have? And if you feel like this is a need like breathing air is a need, then we're looking at the wrong person to meet that.

If we're looking at our spouse, and so the deepest needs of our heart or our soul, they need to come from God, because he's the one who can and he doesn't fail us. He's consistent, and so we can get our deepest needs from God. Now our wants are another thing we can ask our spouse about.

Oh yeah, I would enjoy this. I would like that, but when it comes to those needs, that's a huge one and then regarding needs as well, ask yourself, can I sow it.

And what that looks like is if I'm thinking. Oh, I really want him to just show me more respect. I just wish he would respect me more. Then can I sow it? Can I give him that respect that I'm seeking, Because again, It's me taking personal responsibility for what I can do.

Because there is a lot that we can do in a relationship before we start to look at our spouse.

And then the last thing is can I grow it? So a lot of times we're looking for our spouse to feel those deep insecurities in our hearts. Where as that's an inside game. We need to know that we're worthy and valuable on our own without our spouse having to tell us.

At Hope Relentless we are passionate about seeing couples, seeing marriages thrive, And one of the key things when we work with a couple is to identify negative patterns, negative habits, and replace them.

And so one of the best ways to do that is what we're talking about today. It is growing individually. Then when we come together, we are that much stronger as a couple and I want to paint this picture.

Imagine a couple going for a walk on the beach and there's a couple different ways that they could go about this. The first one is if Sarah-Gayle and I were going to go on the beach, I could pick her up and I could carry her and that's kind of that Prince Charming I'm completing her. I'm coming in and rescuing.

But the reality is that it might be romantic or honorable. In the short term, the distance that we can cover is going to be limited. It's just me carrying my wife in the sand. We're only going to go so far. Quickly in that journey, there's going to be frustration. There's going to be some extra aches and pains that I'm going to pick up because I am carrying all the weight.

An alternative option is, Sarah-Gayle could carry me right, and that's just switching roles. But it's the same exact problem.

An additional option is we could walk on the beach in two totally different directions. I could go right. She could go left, and while we might enjoy that experience for a certain period of time, there's no intimacy on that path. There's no relationship there. There is no together.

We want to enjoy this experience on the beach. This experience of life together, and so a beautiful picture of that is a couple walking down the beach holding hands together. They're traveling in the same direction. There's a level of independence and strength and health as they walk on their own feet, but there's a connectedness of holding hands. There's an intimacy there. Together they're moving in the same direction, but they're both bringing their own individual strength and health to the relationship.

And so that's kind of what we're talking about. We're wanting to give you the freedom to say you need some self care, some individual time. Not only does it help me be the best version of myself which honors God, but it also helps me bring the best version of myself to our marriage, to the relationship. And that is great. That is good. That is something that we should be doing.

Yeah, that is so good. It reminds me of when we first got married. Actually, and if you've watched anything we've done, you will hear me talk about the Disney generation. Really talking about myself because I'm the one who grew up the night and shining armor. I'm going to marry this Prince Charming and he's very charming, but he's not the prince in the movies.

And although he did propose to me on a horse and carriage.

You know some of those Disney ideas can work. We should move on from most of them, because it's just an unrealistic depiction.

You know, if you think of these romantic comedies, it's unrealistic and a lot of times images of culture and just fantasy set us up for failure. Because we are looking for that in our spouse, and so for me early on I was looking for him to do more and really everything.

Like I thought. Okay, my job is to look pretty and to be funny, and I was gravely mistaken. He was looking for a partner in life to grow together, to live together, to contribute. Not in a sense where you keep track, because that's not what we're talking about. Love is not keep track of who does what. It's not a transactional relationship, but it is a partnership.

We are a team and we get to live this adventure of life together. And so some of it does require those having tough conversations. What does it look like for you to live a life where you both are on the same page regarding this area?

Yea, so I think some of the things we just want to share a couple ideas. That we each try and implement that directly translate to our own individual health. What are some of those ideas at the end of the day? You're going to hear different things that we share.

You know, you can listen to podcasts. you can go online. You can read different books from different authors. Part of it is finding a pattern and a rhythm that works for you. You know, one of the things that I've noticed for myself is something can energize my life, but at a certain point then there's diminishing returns and I have to shake things up again.

I need to find a different, maybe bible reading plan. Maybe that one, in the short term, I was excited, it was strengthening and encouraging my faith. Then at some point it's just I'm checking the box, so you know we'll share some of these things if it's working for you. Great implement, if it's not, keep seeking for different ways that are going to encourage and strengthen you as an individual.

So I'll share one of the things that I do, and I've been in and out of this habit throughout my life. To be honest, I'm back in it, Though I'm remembering how much I love it and that's journaling. For me it is just sitting in the morning, not even thinking about anything to start. But then I get my journal and then I just start writing. And what ends up being written is something different than what I initially may have thought. It is a way to process my thoughts for the day.

What it ends up being is interesting because whatever is in you comes out at that moment. For me, it's very therapeutic and it helps me to really recognize where I am because what's coming out is where I am at that moment.

So I would recommend that even a journal for the sake of writing things down that you want to remember. I tell a lot of the couples. Hey, make sure in these sessions that you have a journal, even as you're listening to podcasts or different things that you like, as long as your not driving.

If you're sitting sedentary, have something where you're writing down your thoughts. You can implement them because we forget things. If we don't put other things in place to help us remember and stay accountable.

I think one of the things that we've done, and certainly probably the most intense level of this particular year, is we try and establish goals at the beginning of the year. That's something that we've gone in and out of. We've established goals and we start going down the path of that.

But one of the things we've kind of layered on top is an accountability group. The accountability group That we're a part of, we choose our own goals. So Sarah-Gayle and I are, both in it. We are actually in different smaller groups of organization called team 212.

And so I bring my own goals, so that group is just encouraging and supporting the things that I say are important to me. So I've implemented the journaling as well, and the first thing I journal each day is just my top couple of goals. My top four or five goals. Just so they're staying in front of me, so they're staying top of mind.

It's amazing, I can create a goal and then forget about it for weeks and then stumble across a piece of paper and see it. Oh yeah, And so this is helping me identify with more clarity.

What do I want? What do I feel like God has put on my heart to go after?

And so I'm looking at it each day. Then I try to implement the idea of the gratitude journal. Just writing down may be a sentence or two. Something I'm thankful for. I might write down something that is at the forefront of my mind. A key goal today is to get this done. It's just building those patterns and habits.

At the time of this recording we are now into early February, so it's been about a month since the new year started. There have been a lot of days where I wouldn't have taken action towards my goals if we weren't part of the accountability with team 212.

The goals were still important to me, but those little reminders caused me to go. I got to. I want to do this. I haven't done it yet. Let me make sure I get this done so I continue moving forward. So for me, accountability has been crucial for my own individual health. Because for me I get a lot of strength and confidence and momentum when I know I'm doing the things that I say are important to me.

Yeah, and so with that in the past, we have tried to hold each other accountable and that has not gone well. We are high capacity people. We both come from an athletic competitive background, so you would think we would make the greatest accountability partners for one another, but it just didn't work out that way.

And so, rather than think, Oh, my gosh, what is wrong with our relationship? It is just realizing that's not working for us. So we are going to find other ways to hold ourself accountable and support each other in the individual journeys.

On that note, when you are supporting your spouse, I highly recommend first of all, support your spouse with their individual goals and journey, it just looks like asking them.

Hey, how can I support you? Is there anything that I can do to support you with your goal?

Because sometimes we mean well and we just say things or we do things because we're trying to help. But it's not what they would have wanted if we ask them. So a simple ask goes a long way. I think just on that, there are some spouses where you might ask, and in the moment they genuinely respond with nothing, and that's okay. They hear, and they feel your support.

I remember when we were younger, one of the greatest feelings was to offer a friend to help them move. But then they already had it figured out. So it's like because who wants to help a friend really move like I don't know. You know. Maybe when you're desperate and they are buying pizza, but thankfully have been past those days for a little bit.

But when you offer and they're like, No, I'm good. You're like. Well, I was there for you if you needed help.

So sometimes there's different dynamics with our spouse. What is important is that they feel supported and if they respond and say “right now, I can't really think of anything”. Maybe in a couple of days that will change and go. Hey, you know I thought of something you can help me with.

We don't have to push to support, we can just be present. Be available. If they say there's nothing to support them, take them for their word and move on until they say something different.

Yeah and on that, we are speaking from experience here. When we know what our spouses goal is, and we see them not doing it. Even when we agree on things you know as a couple and we're learning new things, new skills together and we see that one of the partners is not doing it. Don't point the finger. I want to encourage you not to point the finger.

I want to encourage you to just give grace to recognize, just like you're on a journey, your spouses on a journey. So encouragement goes a lot further than criticism in that regard, and one of the things we're coming back to is personal responsibility.

It's crucial because as I am more holistically healthy, and we're not talking about perfection here at all, but as I'm more holistically healthy. Then when it comes time to forgive or to give grace, I can do that quicker because I am not in a place where I feel like I am at a deficit of anything. I've already given myself what I need to show up in the best way that I can show up, and so that way it creates a whole different scenario when it comes to our interactions.

So I'm trying to think of other things that we've done. So there's the journal. There's the accountability groups. I think somewhere in there, maybe early before the journal line, or maybe you'll discover some level of goal, some target something that you're driving or that you're moving towards.

We are created in the image of God and he has a purpose and a plan. The Bible talks all through it that we are prepared for good works. This concept of we have a meaning and a purpose. I think sometimes within our individual health and within our relationship health that when there's a common goal or a common mission or something we're moving towards it helps draw out the best of us.

So in those day to day journals, in that day to day, accountability, in those day to day interactions were actually moving towards a target. Towards a common purpose or goal with our spouse.

Okay, well those are the things that I feel like have impacted us. What we've learned along the journey, just interacting with couples. Some of the things that are top of mind, and so hopefully they help. We cannot emphasize enough the significance of taking personal responsibility.

There isn't a stat on this officially, but I would say I'm just going to say a much greater personage, not going to go into math. A much greater percentage of marital happiness comes from each individual and the work that they are doing as individuals that they then bring to the relationship.

I think a lot of us are looking to our spouse first when we really will benefit more and experience more fruit in our lives if we look at ourselves first. Okay, Well until next time, remember “there's always always hope”.

For more information on marriage counseling please contact us today.

When we commit to connect we stay connected

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Sat, 21 Jan 2023 05:07:22 GMT

Connection is Key

I first heard the phrase, overcommitted and under connected from Jim Burns with HomeWord Center for Youth and Family, and ever since I heard it I’ve been thinking about it.

I’ve been thinking about it because those two simple words describe most marriages I encounter when I’m counseling couples and also in my day-to-day interactions with couples.

Overcommitted. Just the word gets my head spinning. With each new season of life there are new things to commit to. From social engagements, to family gatherings, to work responsibilities, to activities for the children. There are a plethora of opportunities to use the most precious commodity we have which is time. The limitless options that compete for our time are not going to disappear. If anything there will always be bigger and better options.

In marriage when our schedules are filled with unnecessary and necessary things leaving little flexibility and room to focus in on the relationship between the man and woman, everybody involved suffers. Which is why connection must be intentional and consistent. If someone were to observe your life for a day, a week, a month, what would they SEE you were committed to? What you commit to is what you value and I’d even go as far as to say what you commit to is what leads your life. That’s why after God, marriage is designed to be at the front of all the other commitments.

Commit to set aside time to talk with your spouse, to enjoy your spouse, to just be with your spouse. As natural and organic as that sounds, in our busy lives it does not happen naturally. So plan it, now; go ahead and do it now or you may miss the opportunity and yet another week will go by where you feel that you aren’t really connecting with your spouse, which leads us to the next word.

Under connected. In relation to marriage, this word can be likened to death. A marriage cannot exist for long when the people involved are under connected. This implies that there is not a safe open line of communication. That unity is compromised. If you find your marriage in this place, it’s worth dropping everything else to rekindle that connection with your spouse. Marriage is a partnership where 2 are better than one and where one has the opportunity to be fully known AND accepted. There is an intimacy reserved for marriage and a unity that can move mountains, and where there is unity God commands a blessing.

Connect with your spouse. There are so many ways to do this, but the trick is we just have to do it. Talking helps but consistent displays of action that reaffirm one another’s love and commitment help bring the words to life and are even better. Date nights, vacations, walks in the park, coffee shop conversations, day at the museum. Whatever it may be lets all have some urgency to spend the time to make it a priority. After all, it’s marriage; the bible calls your spouse bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. You might as well really get to know them. What are their dreams, goals, fears, hopes? The more you pry, the more you actually may find that awe that led you to them in the first place.

Overcommitted and under connected makes for a dull, frustrating, draining, lonely marriage. Let's not do marriage that way. That is not God’s plan for marriage nor any of our dreams of marriage! Lets commit to connect so we can stay connected!

Looking to work with a marriage counselor ? Contact us today.

Congruence Builds Trust

sarahgaylegalbreath@gmail.com (Sarah-Gayle Galbreath) — Tue, 06 Dec 2022 18:51:01 GMT

We underestimate the fact that what we do greatly impacts not only who we become and how people see us, but also how we feel about ourselves.

I’m talking about congruence and incongruence. To put it simply, congruence is when how we live, matches what we say and believe. Incongruence is when we live one way but believe another. When we are incongruent in our living our soul is out of alignment with our reality and it creates more chaos in our lives than we realize. It also makes it difficult for others to trust us. An example of this could be the person we all know who loves God with their whole heart but then goes out and does something completely opposite to the ways of God. Maybe this is you, I know this is sometimes me.

How we live our lives is important to who we are becoming. We underestimate the fact that what we do greatly impacts not only who we become and how people see us, but also how we feel about ourselves. Shoot! I’ve gone and done it and introduced the F word. The F word that makes me want to actually cuss, because I have undermined my life in so many ways with this seemingly innocent, yet all consuming F word. Feelings. Far too often my feelings have been a hinderance to congruence and led me to do or say something that I do not want to do or say and ushered me down a path of incongruent living. Me justifying and excusing why I’m living the way I’m living rather than taking responsibility for not living the way I want to live. Living that is underwhelming as I can’t fully enjoy either way of life because my mind is divided between the two. Sometimes we fool ourselves to think it won’t matter if we go back on our word that we spoke to ourselves because, after all, no one else knows what was spoken in the depths of our heart. It does matter, and when we constantly let ourselves down and settle for less than what we know we were made for, I think a part of us dies.

My feelings have led me to accomplish all of my goals… said no one ever! Our feelings are a great barometer for what’s going on inside and they should be recognized for that purpose because again what happens on the inside comes out on the outside eventually. Feelings can also point us in the right direction of purpose and what we are called to, but, feelings do not lead our lives.They can’t, because we cannot expect how we feel to always motivate us to do what we want to do or what we said we would do.

How we feel is not who we are but how we feel can lead to who we become if we do not surrender our feelings to the greater purpose of who we were created to be. I don’t always feel like being a loving wife, but the alternative doesn’t get me closer to the connection I ultimately want with my spouse, or help me to sow seeds that lead to a fulfilling marriage.

Many times our feelings betray us and leave us in a state of incongruence. We want to live one way, but we find ourselves influenced by our feelings and so live in another less desirable, but maybe more comfortable or convenient way. Like a bad habit we can’t quite kick, we keep doing what we don’t want to do. Imagine what this does to our souls? Our souls believe us when we say we are going to do this thing or not going to do that thing. Our souls that flourish in peace, clarity and truth. When we live what is like a double life of conflicting feelings and impulses, and forsake boundaries, accountability and consistency, we are just one setback away from a nervous breakdown.

I used to live in Hollywood, but I know as many of you know, that the cameras and lights cannot cover up the reality of living. As we chase after fame, significance, “success,” money, you name it, we distract ourselves from one of our deepest needs of being known and accepted. We look to a world that is not capable of filling those deep deep needs and answering those existential questions of identity, purpose and significance. We come up short as we look, to no avail and the bottom falls out. We live in the incongruence of wanting more than this life has to offer in the core of our being, yet coming up short as we look to a world that takes more than it gives.

Let's go on this journey of living congruent lives together. It’s a process. One day at a time, not based on our feelings in the moment but our greater convictions. Trusting that our feelings matter but recognizing that some things matter more. It’s not easy, it will take a lifetime, but I think we can walk it out together. We must. There are too many fragmented people living lives they don’t believe in, drowning in despair and inconsistency, trying to make it through the day, not realizing they are obstructing their own way. Let's get this, let's grow here and flourish in this. Not only for ourselves but for those watching and hoping that they will get it one day and for those the dreams in our hearts will positively impact one day. Choose to be congruent. Take out the excess and make what you say you will do what you actually do. Imagine how freeing it will be when what we believe is actually reflected in how we live, in every way. It’s not perfection we are looking for here but a desire and a focus to live in a way that honors who we actually are! I can’t wait to meet you!!!

The Heart of The Issue

Wed, 02 Nov 2022 06:14:10 GMT

James 4: 1-3 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

James 4: 1-3 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

Married people are simply that. People who are married. People. Sinful, selfish, compassionate, kind, crazy and all the other adjectives we can come up with. When we take a good look at ourselves we see we fall short and when we use that same gaze on our spouse we see that they fall short as well. So what of it? What do we do? We look to God.

In the midst of our shortcomings He makes a way for us. God works in us to will and to act according to his good purposes. Philippians 2:13 Through our relationship with Jesus we see there is opportunity for more for our marriages. Maybe we did not see it modeled growing up and maybe the idea of a vibrant, fun, fulfilling marriage is foreign to us but God gives us His best and his definition of love is flawless. It is us, people, who tend to distort it. We have to trust that God’s ways are truly higher than our ways and when he asks us to serve our spouse and consider others better than ourselves, he is giving us an opportunity to live his best in our marriage. After all, He is good and Holy, He knows all.

The heart of the issue is making a choice to trust God’s plan for our marriage above our own plan and above our own emotions, wants and desires. “We need counseling,” you say? “we need to learn how to communicate better,” you say? Maybe. But there's more to it. When I got my masters in marriage and family therapy the majority of couples I counseled didn’t need counseling. They needed a heart transformation. They needed to decide if they wanted to be in their marriage. Once that decision is settled our creativity and our focus is on what it takes to make the marriage work. We operate with grace and compassion rather than judgment and a critical eye. Until our heart is focused on restoration and fighting for our marriage nothing will change. We can take as many classes on communication as our schedule permits and we can go to as much counseling as we can afford but when we haven’t gotten to the heart of the issue, we become saturated in information that does not have the power to transform our marriage. That’s when we are often left worse than we started. Hopeless.

We must get to the heart of the issue and often times the heart of it (the root) is tangled up deep down inside of us. It’s masked in hurt and deception, sometimes even hidden from our own awareness. God sees. He knows and he is waiting for us to ask Him. To reach out to him to restore what’s been lost, to allow Him to redeem what’s been abused. Are you willing to begin again and be vulnerable again, long enough to get to the heart of the issue? You may just find that marriage that was dead to you, come back to life as you do.

Love & Respect

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 18:01:30 GMT

Love and Respect is Oxygen to a Marriage

Two words that when lived out can breathe life into our marriages and when neglected can breed decay in our marriages.

Love and Respect. Two words that we often hear when it comes to marriage. Two words that when lived out can breathe life into our marriages and when neglected can breed decay in our marriages. Words are extremely powerful and with them we create the atmosphere of our relationship. Ephesians 5:33 says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Did you notice the must?

Without love and respect the marriage suffers.

It is crucial that we get good at loving and respecting our spouses. Now the question is, “What does it look like to love my wife or respect my husband and are the two mutually exclusive? Love and respect are simple concepts that we tend to complicate. The best way to know how to love and respect your spouse is to ask them. The answer will be different for most of us but most of us will have an answer. Think about it.

What are some things your spouse could do to make you feel loved? How about respected? And of course love and respect are not mutually exclusive or designated for only one gender. Wives want to be respected and husbands want to be loved as well. Best practice is to create an abundance of both in as many ways as possible as often as possible.

Here are some ideas to get you started (not to be replaced with an actual conversation to find out how your spouse would feel loved or respected:))

10 ways to love your wife

-Date her; plan date nights, plan for a babysitter if necessary

-Use your words and speak words of adoration over her

-Compliment her physical appearance using specific details

-Make her dinner

-Listen with attentiveness; make eye contact, ask questions, VALIDATE

-Plan a night out for her and her friends

-Reenact your first date

-Plan a renewal of vows

-Take her shopping and be present with her during the shopping

-Spoil her like you would for an anniversary on a regular day

10 ways to respect your husband

-Use your words to tell him you respect him

-Offer to serve him food at outings

-Receive his influence when he has a strong opinion

-Speak to his potential

-Listen to him by staying engaged in the conversation

-Ask him for an idea

-Ask him for his advice in something and follow it

-Speak positive about him in front of other people

-Give him a compliment that is specific

-Thank him for all he does for you and your family

The Blueprint for a Phenomenal Marriage

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 20:29:07 GMT

Wouldn't it be nice if we were given some instructions when we got married that included things like how to stay married and actually enjoy marriage?! Well, here's a start to the conversation.

People who are married AND happy have grit! Put another way, marriage is not for the faint of heart! When we say I do, we say it without truly knowing what we or our spouse will actually do. There’s not enough pre-prep for what happens after the honeymoon stages. How can we truly prepare for a life with someone that is not ourselves in the midst of the uncertainties of life? You see what I’m getting at? This predicament is why there are so many negative memes on marriage and discouraging dialogue that surround it. I think we have these toddler tantrum moments because we just can’t seem to control or calculate this thing called marriage or should I say this person called our spouse.

Whether we see it as an arrangement or a covenant, marriage brings us together with another human that might be different from us. I kid, that IS ABSOLUTELY different from us! “How dare he,” we say, “she is so emotional,” we think, yet, the biggest impact on our marriages is ourselves and the blueprint we follow. By blueprint I mean the plan. What do you do when tragedy strikes, because it will. What do you do when there are health issues, loss of jobs, life transitions? The blueprint sets the atmosphere and course for your marriage but it is also something that you will go back to again and again. It includes your foundation, personal responsibility, love and respect, humility and unity.

Foundation

There must be something that anchors us. For my family it’s Jesus. A relationship with Him and the wisdom of the Bible is what we stand on in spite of how we feel. What is the foundation for your marriage? We all have one, for some it just might be lying dormant or not fully exposed. The foundation that our marriage stands on, impacts how we view our spouse in those not so amazing moments. Our foundation represents our core values and what we stand for as an individual and hopefully as a couple. What lense are you using?? Is there hope for your marriage even in the midst of irreconcilable differences? I don’t know but your foundation does. Foundation is defined in Merriam-Webster Dictionary as a basis (such as a tenet, principle, or axiom) upon which something stands or is supported. That support of a firm foundation in our marriages is crucial!

Personal Responsibility

When I got married I deferred all responsibility of taking out the trash to my amazing husband. He agreed to do it thankfully! Sometimes we defer responsibility to our spouses that they did not agree to do or be a part of just because they are our spouse and we think that is what unity represents. Or we just don’t take responsibility because we figure our spouse will handle it for us because they represent us. Both scenarios do not build a healthy dynamic in our marriages. Taking personal responsibility does. Your grand ideas, your health, that addiction, your goals and your gifts and talents are your responsibility. Own it all! We cannot expect our spouses to do what we should be doing. They have a life too. I’ll say it again. Our spouses have a life too! The power couple comes into play when both spouses can begin to live fully in their life and feel the encouragement and support of their spouse along the way!

Unity

Personal responsibility and unity often clash because we think they are mutually exclusive to our marriages when in reality they work together. When we take personal responsibility it allows the unity in our marriage to strengthen. Unity thrives when each part of the marriage does their part to stay united. Unity is a choice not a feeling. It’s a decision to remain on the same page as your spouse. Whether that’s in parenting, boundaries, intimacy etc. unity takes intentionality and work to keep at the forefront of your marriage. Unity says that you and your spouse are a united front. It says that you don’t have to look like the other marriages as long as you and your spouse are in agreement with the workings of your marriage.

Humility

Humility in marriage can best be detected by the atmosphere the marriage has created. Humility hangs out with friends like peace and grace and mercy. It takes confidence to be humble. When we know who we are and where our value and identity are found, humility becomes a way of life. Jesus knew who he was. As a result, when he washed his disciples feet he did not encounter a pride issue. He did not expect them to return the favor. Jesus got his fill from knowing his father in Heaven and from that there was overflow that he could pour out onto his disciples. Humility breaks down walls in our marriages and creates a safe place for mistakes to happen and learning to occur. Humility asks the questions, are you teachable? Will you serve your spouse? Will you hold your tongue? Will you fight for unity instead of being right? Can you admit to your mistakes?? Humility is not always fun but it is always necessary!

Love and Respect

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33. Love and respect go hand in hand in marriage. Both must be in great supply for the marriage to grow. Stereotypically men want to be respected and women want to be loved but we all long for both don’t we? Love and respect are guidelines that we can use when interacting with our spouse. Are we being loving? Are we being respectful? Notice I did not say do they deserve respect or love? Love and respect are given without expectation. They are given as a response to what God has asked us to do in scripture and faith in the process of what love and respect will create in our marriages. The actions and words that come as a result of our initiative to love and respect our spouse will be edifying and life giving! The words alone will bring a fortress of contentment, happiness and security. Love and respect beget more love and respect.

There you have it! The blueprint for a phenomenal marriage! Your foundation, taking personal responsibility, unity, humility and love and respect! What about you? What is your blueprint for your marriage? This blueprint has greatly impacted the marriage of my husband and I. We didn’t know this was our blueprint until we were recently asked by a couple where to start concerning marriage. When we looked back on our marriage of 17 years the 5 sections discussed are what were consistent so we called them our blueprint. They all contributed to us not only loving each other but also liking each other. If we would have known this blueprint from the beginning, it would have saved us a lot of fumbling around seemingly in the dark! I hope you will adopt this blueprint but if you don’t please create one of your own! Your marriage depends on it!

I am happy to help you and your spouse create a blueprint for your marriage. Reach out!

Here To Serve,

Coach SG

Keep having the same Marriage Problems?

Sat, 06 Aug 2022 03:34:41 GMT

Keep Having the Same Marriage Problems?

Do you keep struggling with the same issues in your marriage, and finding no resolution?

One of the most common reasons couples contemplate separation is they keep running into the SAME problems without resolution. Can you relate?

4 Tips to Address Recurring Marital Problems:

Try Something Different.

Time does not heal all wounds. What we do in the midst of the time spent together is what makes all the difference. Something being an issue in your marriage for a long period of time does not speak to the hopelessness of your marriage. Rather it speaks to the fact that you need to try something different. If there is struggle in your marriage and you have tried to wait it out, ignore it or just continue doing the same things you have always done, yet hope somehow the results will be different, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Your next step may be to learn new skills and habits and ways of engaging with your spouse. You may be one perspective shift or one communication skill away from disrupting a 20 year old pattern and changing the course of your marriage for good!

Take Personal Responsibility.

You go with you wherever you go. Leaving your current marriage hopeful for a better situation, has one caveat. You take yourself with you and you are 50 percent of the problem in your current marriage. Even if you don’t believe you created the main issue, you have control over how you have reacted to it and grown or not grown yourself in the process. Besides, the statistics for marriages that last go down with each new marriage so it is definitely worth trying to work it out with your current spouse.

Be Aware of Your Expectations.

Your expectations of what should be happening are a big part of the problem. Expectations can sometimes feel like entitlement and ultimatums. When you focus on what is not happening and what you think should be happening, it breeds discontentment. When you can focus on what you can personally do to make a situation better, and use your mental energy to bring that to pass, you can feel empowered and hopeful, rather than passive and disappointed that your spouse did not meet your expectations. If there are expectations in your marriage, it is best that they are revisited frequently as seasons of life change. It is also important that expectations are clear and agreed upon by both partners.

Recognize that how you treat your spouse during the argument is more significant than the argument itself.

Who ever said every problem needs a resolution? Marriage researcher, John Gottman, talks about the fact that every couple has perpetual problems which are problems in the marriage that won’t necessarily go away. This is because these perpetual problems are oftentimes associated with core personalities. As a result, rather than trying to change your spouse’s personality you can be more productive by focusing on how you interact with one another in the midst of the problem. What is your tone of voice when discussing the issue, your body language, how is your attention and empathy?

If any of the above situations resonate, Id love to work together. While it is true that many problems may be recurring, the emotions and feelings around the repeating patterns can improve drastically. During marriage counseling , many of my clients experience significant break through within the first 4 weeks. For clients that complete my full 12-week program, they can certainly expect break through, but equally as important, they begin creating entirely new life giving patterns of communication. The amazing thing about these new patterns is that topics, which used to create division now create unity.

Married and Happy, can be a reality. Who knows, maybe you are just one phone call away from a break through.

-Coach Sarah-Gayle

Here to Serve

17 Marriage Lessons form 17 Years of Marriage

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 05:07:56 GMT

17 Marriage Lessons from 17 years of Marriage

Wow, I’ve done some time! 17 years of marriage seems a bit unreal. And like everyone always says… life goes by sooo fast! In honor of 17 years I have prepared 17 one liners to help build your marriage. Which one resonates with you most? Please let me know in the comments. Is there one you would like me to expand on?

Here to serve! -Coach SG

Frequently ask your spouse what it looks like to love and support them better.
Be thankful in every season as there is something to learn and good still to find. You won’t get that season back.
Find time to grow in your relationship with God and pray with your spouse. Only God can fulfill your deepest needs. It’s not your spouse's job to “complete you.”
Your relationship is yours, don’t compare it to others. You don’t see their full picture.
Refrain from ideals of perfection in marriage. We are imperfect people so require the giving and receiving of forgiveness and grace… constantly.
The more you grow personally, and practice self care, the more fulfilled you will be in your marriage.
Do not be easily offended. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)
Celebrate your relationship. Take pictures and pause to take in special moments so you can look back on them and remember.
Avoid putting your kids before your marriage.
Invest in your lifetime commitment! Learn more about marriage through podcasts, books, counseling, seminars, retreats, etc. Don’t wait for a crisis to start investing in your marriage.
Be genuinely thankful for what you have and where you are. Look for the good. This will always be a thing.
Grow with your spouse year by year by sharing personal and collective dreams and goals together and checking in on those dreams and goals.
Say you’re sorry, take ownership and change your actions.
Slow down in the midst of the busyness of life and make time to connect and embrace daily.
Feelings come and go. When you don’t feel butterflies, it's OK. Remember your commitment and continue to love anyways.
Don’t forget you’re on the same team. Look at the bigger picture rather than getting caught up in argumentative moments. Don’t win the argument at the cost of the relationship.
Marriage is an adventure with your partner in life! Nourish your friendship, get out of your comfort zones and have FUN!