How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage: Practical Steps When the Bond Is Broken

Sarah-Gayle (00:00)

What do you do when you don't trust your spouse anymore? Wow. It's a big one. Maybe there's been a betrayal. Maybe there has been consistent hurt. But what do you do when it feels like that trust has been broken? My name is Sarah Gale and I'm joined by my incredible husband Chad. And we are going to jump into this very important topic today.

Chad (00:22)

And so how to rebuild trust or what do we do when trust has been broken? Sarah Gail and I, as marriage coaches, we see this in our office or online when we're working with couples every day. And the reality is sometimes somebody jumps to maybe some of the more extreme or heartbreaking situations like an affair or infidelity. And those matter, right? And couples can work through that.

But there's other things that couples also face. It's maybe their spouse has withdrawn. Maybe there's disappointment or hurt, or maybe there are some personal words that were said in a difficult moment that you're stuck and you're having a hard time moving past. I don't want to minimize your pain, but I do want to normalize it. If you've been married for any amount of time, you have likely had to process this where there's been a gap. And as a team, you want to rebuild and restore.

trust. The good thing is we see couples go along this journey every single day and so we want this to be practical but also to be filled with hope. To know that if there's a gap, if trust has eroded or been broken, that doesn't need to be the end of your story. We have great reason to have hope and in today's podcast we're going to begin to outline some of those initial steps that we can take that will move us back towards each other.

Sarah-Gayle (01:41)

And one of the things you're going to notice as we talk through ways to rebuild trust is that there's an element where the person who feels betrayed or who feels slighted in any regard is going to have some work to do as well. And the R word is a popular word.

that we hear consistently and that our word is resentment. And so we're going to talk about that along with some other things as far as what does the person who is healing, what is their responsibility, what is their opportunity? We're going to talk about those things next episode. And so just tune in for this one as we're learning how to rebuild. But then, like I said, next time we're going to talk about working through resentment and all those things that go with this.

Chad (02:21)

And so a key part of rebuilding trust starts with this foundational principle of personal responsibility. If trust has been broken between Sarah, Gayle I, then the reality is we both play a part in rebuilding that trust. And depending on the situation and what happened, our role may be different or unique, but in our experience, in our own marriage and working with marriages, at some point in time, you're gonna be on both sides of the road. And so today we're focusing on kind of part one.

How do we rebuild trust if I'm the one that broke trust? How do I rebuild that to Sarah Gale? The next session or next podcast as Sarah Gale talked about, we're gonna talk about what do you do? How do you support trust when you feel like it's been broken on your side?

Sarah-Gayle (03:06)

That personal responsibility word you said interesting. It's like a customer, especially if you feel like you're the one who was betrayed. it is so biblical because we have all sinned. We all fall short. The second that we hold a standard up to our spouse, like Chad said, we probably, maybe not to the exact action, but when it comes to our heart posture, we are not.

Chad (03:10)

Second cuss word.

Sarah-Gayle (03:32)

clear ourselves when it comes to how we have interacted and how we live. that's why we're going to talk more about that as we go on, the personal responsibility that is included, because it requires both of us to rebuild. So I want to tell you about client that I had

She'd been married for over 20 years and reached out because she was done. She was done with the marriage. She was just like, you know what? I've been enduring this marriage for the past 20 years. I tried to speak up early on in the marriage about how I was feeling that I felt on her, that I didn't feel supported.

but my husband, just continued working. He just continued going out with his boys. Meanwhile, I was left at home with the kids and on and on it went. And many of you listening might relate

So it was interesting because as she was explaining her marriage, as she saw it for the past 20 years, her husband actually agreed. He said, yep, I wasn't there for her. I recognize that I messed up. And really, this is where there was a slow but consistent betrayal that went on in this marriage. it wasn't a one time event. It was over time.

Again and again, day by day, this wife wasn't feeling heard, this husband was doing what he wanted to do as confirmed by him in the session.

And it ended up creating this situation where she was reaching out to me because she felt like she had already done her time and she didn't want to endure anymore.

Chad (05:03)

And so we think about this story that Sarah Gale just shared, and I want to bring it back to for any couple to rebuild trust, we need to identify what is your individual role that promotes trust. And so the husband has different actions that he can take to build trust, and the wife has different actions that she can take to build trust. And we're going to look at the wife's role in our next podcast. But something she did was she scheduled the counseling. Yeah. Right. Like she took that.

initiative to say, hey, there's a gap here. Somebody needs to acknowledge that gap. But then we want to have a heart posture of moving towards each other. And so for the rest of this podcast, we're going to be talking about the element of the role of the husband in this story, the person who eroded trust over a long period of time. And maybe your story is different. Maybe it was a very specific event. And this is one of the challenges of trust. We can break it in a moment.

Sarah Gallin are coming up on 21 years of marriage. I could go act a fool this weekend and erode 21 years of trust. Don't act a fool. In a moment, right? And so obviously I don't plan on doing that. so when we look at rebuilding trust, we have to understand it's a process that can take time. And this is one of the things that's important. I encourage couples and individuals to be aware of and avoid comparison.

Some couples can rebuild and restore very quickly and other couples, takes time. But one of the things to keep in mind is that it is when our actions over a consistent period of time will begin to demonstrate that we're trustworthy. So going back to this example and then I'll hand it back to you. You didn't give necessarily the details, but this husband agreed that over a long period of time, he was just kind of doing what he wanted, right? And so in order to rebuild trust,

He's got to take consistent efforts that are different so that his wife begins to trust, ⁓ he sees me, not just today, but he sees me over time, right? And so sometimes there's some nuance there, but consistency plays a part, especially when it's relevant to whatever the topic or circumstance that broke trust. If I want to be trustworthy, I need to demonstrate some consistency there that Sarah Gale can actually have reliance on. Yeah.

Sarah-Gayle (07:22)

And I think the wife, as far as the story that I told you, I think she was a bit surprised that the husband owned up to it. And this is where the hope lies, but also where the fragility is because the husband wants to change. He wants to do something different. And operating in a debtor type of relationship,

then you can start to see tremendous growth. And what I mean by debt debtor is like what Chad was saying. So let's say he starts to do actions that are different, but I'm kind of sitting back saying, it's not enough. It's not enough. And then maybe he asked me, what can I do? And I'm like, I don't know, figure it out.

we both have a part to play even if we're the one who feels like we were the one who were wronged, we were the one who feels like we are owed that apology.

Chad (08:11)

we encourage couples to invite God into the situation. When we think about, as you mentioned, that debtor relationship, a lot of times we need God's help, because we feel owed. Like, no, you do owe me something. You done messed up, and you better fix it. And so there's this element where we want to invite God into the situation, and we want to fix our eyes on what we actually want.

And that's to rebuild authentic, genuine trust. We want to be able to trust each other in whatever the scenario is. so invite God into this. One of the things that I love to share with couples is this idea of pray for your spouse, not about your spouse. So sometimes we can pray about like, man, God just convict Sarah Gale, show her the thing, like, she's crazy, right? As opposed to praying for.

Sarah-Gayle (09:01)

Thank you.

Chad (09:05)

God, I thank you for my wife. Lord, I thank you that you are the restorer and the redeemer of all things. God, I thank you for the purpose and the plan. One of those softens our hearts and our minds towards our spouse, which is gonna play a part in rebuilding trust.

Sarah-Gayle (09:20)

And one of the things that I wanted to add is that God is a Restorer and he's all about reconciliation. We can see this when he went to the cross for us. It says while we were yet sinners, he died for us. And so there's nothing that we did to deserve it. And we were spitting in his face. We were sinful and he still died for us because he wanted to reconcile us to God. Jesus wanted to reconcile us to God. And so

I believe God's heart is always reconciliation and restoration.

Chad (09:51)

And so if God's desire is restoration and our desire is restoration, what are some practical things we can do that move us in that direction? And so we want to shift part of the conversation to what are practical things. And one of the first ones that we encourage couples to do is create a check-in. And so the focus of this check-in can be trust. And there's a couple of reasons we have couples do this. One, when couples are trying to rebuild trust, what we see not be effective is it just

hijacks most conversations at any point throughout the day because it just feels like any Rhodes Connection if at any point in time Sarah Gale is bringing back up how I broke trust Whether it's in the morning and we're trying to get the kids out the door to school or it's in the afternoon Or one of us is prepping dinner or it just feels like at any point in time It can just get hijacked and so what we encourage is a check-in it creates structure it creates boundaries, but it also

reports, accountability, and progress. Oftentimes, if we're coaching or working with a couple, part of our session may be dedicated to that check-in. Like, hey, these are some of the action items we talked about that would rebuild trust. How is that? Let's specifically talk about that. So creating a check-in isn't about ignoring or avoiding things. It's simply creating structure where that can be prioritized and get the focus as a team.

Sarah-Gayle (11:14)

Yeah, and so we recommend having a time, maybe 15 minutes a week where you know you guys can gather and the question is asked, hey, is there anything I can do to continue to build trust? Is there anything that's happened this week that broke trust? Because it really does show that we are committed and this is for both of us, right? That we are committed to having a relationship where both of us feel safe, both of us feel like we're

headed in a direction of continuing to trust one another, continuing to build the marriage that we want to build. So I want to go on to the next one unless you have anything else to add.

Chad (11:49)

Well,

I just think in the context of that conversation when you're the listener focus on validation, that's good, right? Don't disagree. Don't debate don't explain if your spouse didn't feel supported then just Acknowledge that and say hey I hear when I went and played golf ⁓ That kind of reminded you of not feeling like a priority or that I was invested in our marriage, right? Like just acknowledge what your spouse shares so that you both feel hurt

And then kind of take it away. It's like, okay. And the reality is if trust has been broken, like there's going to be some baby steps to rebuild it. Both of you probably are not going to get this perfect as you move forward, but focus on progress and steps towards each other.

Sarah-Gayle (12:33)

Yeah. And that reminds me, I had a couple that was dealing with this process. They were rebuilding and in this regard, the husband was the one who felt like he had to have his best foot forward and he had to regain trust. they set time apart because we talked about it it was helpful for them. but one thing that didn't go well for them is this time would be filled with criticism and it would be filled with

blame, would be filled with bringing up things of the past and it almost started to feel like an attack whereas there was growth happening but the focus of the time was all the negative, was all the things that were not happening. So I think when you have this time it's making sure that we are focused on what can we do in a more solution focused way and I would even add in there celebrate, celebrating

the things that have been going on because you guys are working as a team to rebuild this trust, to continue with building trust. And so If it starts to go south, then that's when you can call a timeout. We've talked about calling a timeout. Hey, let's pause this. Let's come back to this. Let's bring up whatever this issue that seems to be exasperated. Let's bring this up as a real conversation that we need to have separately.

because this time is a check-in of responding and listening.

Chad (13:51)

And I think on a practical level, like afterwards, you can think of yourself, is part of what you shared, how much of it was focused on the problem and the trust that was broken and how much of it was focused on moving towards rebuilding trust. So there's gonna be some context. Hey, when this happened, I felt like trust was broken, right? Moving forward, I'd appreciate. We wanna spend time. This is what supports and promotes trust. So we wanna find,

a good percentage of the conversations talking about what promotes trust and not just nitpicking all the different things that we did. Because our focus, what we focus on as individuals is gonna get magnified. And so we wanna be thoughtful. We wanna magnify what we want more of, not magnify what we want less of.

Sarah-Gayle (14:39)

Yeah, and this is a good time to be introspective because if we find ourselves in a place where we feel like we have been betrayed and even that we feel like we have been betrayed unless it's something very clear, very black and white, sometimes that's even debatable, right? As far as like, well, you betrayed me. Well, you betrayed me. So whatever it may be, but if we find ourselves unwilling or not able

to stay focused on the things we're talking about, like solution focused and recognize that we can celebrate some things and we just want to vent, we just want to tear down, is our sign that we need to get individual help. That we need just some deeper processing and we're worth it. there's no shame in that. it's not realistic for us to...

pour that all out onto our spouse and expect that we're going to be growing in a direction that we want to go in.

Chad (15:31)

And so step one as a recap is set aside time specifically to promote and build trust, that weekly check in. The second thing that we want to build on from there is be a person of your work. In scripture it says let your yes be yes and your no be no. If I'm trying to rebuild and restore trust with Sarah Gale then foundationally she needs to have confidence that

I am going to do what I say. And so if in that weekly check-in I say I'm going to do A, B, and C, then a huge part of my focus is doing A, B, and C. And if I don't, it has nothing to do with Sarah Gale. I need to take ownership that, I told you I would do A and I didn't. I told you I'd do B and I didn't. I told you I'd do C and I didn't. That becomes the focus because as I start to do that,

Then over time, these weekly check-ins are promoting momentum because it's like, oh wow, we checked in on something and we followed through. We did what we said we were going to do.

Sarah-Gayle (16:34)

Yeah, and even as you're saying, you if you didn't do what you said you would do, but yet you took ownership to tell me, yep, I said I would do this and I didn't. That builds trust with me because it's recognizing, yeah, I messed up. And then even to follow that would be, and this is what I'm going to do now. That's that repentance in the sense of, I messed up here. I'm turning. This is what I'm going to do next time. That all builds trust. And so we encourage couples to maybe just focus on one thing. Like I've had couples.

start praying together and depending on, you know, the situation, I might have one of them initiate that prayer together. And that's their job. Their job is to initiate that prayer daily. And then when they come back to see me, I check in, Hey, how did the initiation go, the prayer? And that is an opportunity to take a baby step in building trust and growing and being a person of their word, because I believe our word is our integrity. And so as we're rebuilding trust, if our spouse can't

believe the things that we're saying because they don't see it happen, then it's going to be very difficult for us to move past where we already are.

Chad (17:39)

Once again, this gets back to the idea of personal responsibility. So focus on what did you say in that weekly check-in? What did you commit to prioritize and then follow through? And we can see this live out. Like a lot of times when working with couples, they also happen to be parents. And sometimes it can be easier to see this connection when you talk about kiddos. Right? So if kiddos say they're going to do something and they don't, and then they make excuses,

It's like, man, they don't get it yet. And so you kind of want to like sit in that moment hoping they get it. But if they make a mistake and they own it, hey, mom and dad, I know I said I would do this. I'm sorry. I recognize I didn't follow through. Typically as parents, I'm like, they get it. Like, I don't, I don't need to stay on this point. And so that's the power of when we own our own mistakes, because trust isn't established in the presence of perfection. That's just, it's.

We don't want to create this standard where we both have to be perfect forever. Otherwise trust can't exist. But when we don't follow through, we can maintain trust in an element of ownership. But when ownership doesn't exist, that's when we start being looking at each other side-eyed. Like, I know you said you were going to do this, but you don't. And then you don't own it. then I'm like, I need her to... And so this is that element of baby steps of growth together.

And I loved the way you talked about the prayer, like finding little steps together so that we're building momentum and then celebrating.

Sarah-Gayle (19:11)

Something to consider is time because a lot of times couples ask, how long, how long do I have to regain trust? How long do I have to keep doing these things? And the answer is, I don't know. I don't know. As long as it takes. That is something where when trust is broken, if I have asked something, if one of us have asked something and we're starting to do those baby steps to rebuild that trust.

It's not my job then to micromanage and to continue to push, continue to critique as he is doing the things that we talked about.

Chad (19:46)

Yeah, I love this idea of timing that you're bringing up because the pace, oftentimes for couples is different. Even you think about in your day to day rhythm, one of you may be like quick on your feet, process out loud. Another one may be a processor may need time to reflect and think about what they want. Well, we see some of these personality dynamics come into play when it comes to rebuilding trust. And I know that it can feel like there's a sense of urgency because this is important and I don't want to minimize that.

And when as a team we focus on baby steps in progress, we're moving in the right direction. The reality is, like we've been married 21 years. So it's like, how long does it take? It's like, well, it's not just about restoring trust. We restore trust by just being trustworthy. And I wanna be trustworthy indefinitely as long as I'm breathing, right? And same for you. And so it's like, no, this is just the way.

that we want to live our life as a trustworthy spouse where our spouse has confidence, yeah, what they say they're gonna do is what they're gonna do. That should become just the standard, not some finish line that we get to and then say, okay, I'm off the hook now.

Sarah-Gayle (21:02)

it adds so much more mental load when a spouse doesn't do what they say they will do because then I'm just thinking of my checklist, you know, if I don't think you're going to do what you said you would do, then I have to leave that on my checklist and go back and say, hey, did you do what you said you would do rather than just giving it to you and trusting.

Chad (21:21)

And so as a recap, we want to invite God into the situation. Ask him to soften our hearts, soften our minds. We want to focus on personal responsibility. How am I contributing to an environment that promotes trust? On the practical side, we can create weekly check-ins. These are the moments dedicated to talking about building and restoring trust. And then from those, we want to follow through. We want our yes to be yes and our no to be no.

If we make a mistake, we just want to proactively own that. And so next podcast, we're gonna talk about the other person's role, the role of forgiveness. And what does that look like and how crucial of a part it is in being able to repair and restore trust?

Sarah-Gayle (22:07)

Alright, we're excited for it and as always, we're cheering you on.