Praying Together as a Couple (and Finding a Church Home You Don't Dread)

Chad & Sarah-Gayle: In our last episode, we talked about spiritual connection, and we ended saying we were going to dive deeper into prayer and church. So that's exactly what we're going to do today. We're excited, because many of our couples have expressed how important these areas are. But there's a lot of unknown when it comes to them, so we're going to discuss them.

What we're excited about is that these are two areas that create opportunities to connect on a deeper level with our spouse. But they don't come without some potential landmines or past hurts. What we see is that when couples can walk through this together, it actually builds intimacy and connection. So the question is: both in our own marriage and when we're working with marriages, what is something as it relates to prayer that couples could do that would get them moving toward each other?

It's just praying. Just starting. There's this mystery sometimes, where one spouse says, "I just pray by myself, because I don't really know how to pray. My spouse is a better prayer than I am." Stereotypically that's often the husband: "My wife prays better than I do, so let me sit back." But if you know how to talk, you know how to pray.

A lot of times prayer becomes almost like a performance, like there's a right or a wrong way to do it. But our encouragement is to think of prayer as building a relationship. Predominantly we're building our relationship with our Heavenly Father. There's a verse out of Psalm 116:1-2 that paints a picture: God cares about the prayers of His sons and daughters so much that He kneels down to make sure He hears every word. As you build a regular rhythm with your spouse, it's not about perfection, it's about relationship. God deeply cares to hear from you.

What helps couples build that rhythm on a practical level? Starting small. (And that verse, God bends down, shows the heart of God, that He cares, that He wants His sons and daughters to talk to Him, and He's listening.) You could pray on a walk together, pray by yourself, pray when you wake up, pray over your meals. We're all good at praying over meals, but that's a big deal. Just start small.

Some couples don't pray out loud at all, so a meal could be a starting point. We build rhythm and consistency when we attach prayer to something we already do. Now, if meal prayers have become afterthoughts where we just go through the motions, then find a new dedicated space. A prayer walk, a prayer to start your morning, or a prayer to end your evening together.

Praying out loud is powerful. We're made in the image of God, and God spoke the world into existence. As we speak things out, especially according to God's Word, praying Scripture. The Bible says God's Word does not return void. We're operating how God operates, and that accomplishes what it's set to accomplish. In addition, when we pray out loud, our spouse can hear what's on our heart. It's one of the most intimate things we can do, because you recognize what matters to them, what's heavy on their heart, or what they're excited about. A lot of times you learn new things, "I didn't even realize he was thinking about this or concerned about that."

We're inviting God into the situation, and sometimes we set aside all the other things and get access to each other in a way that "how was your day" might not bring up. Another powerful thing about Scripture: couples say, "We don't know what to pray." Look up a Bible verse. What does the Bible say about health, about parenting? Read the verse and pray the verse. One of the benefits of praying out loud is it softens our hearts toward each other. A husband and wife are very different people, agreement is almost more of a surprise than seeing something differently. What more powerful thing to help a couple walk in unity in the midst of their differences than a soft heart? That's one of the benefits of prayer.

Inside the episode notes we have a prayer guide. A simple seven-day, one-topic guide. There's a Scripture, a prompt or topic, and it can be that simple: a little daily rhythm of building prayer into your relationship. For couples who struggle with perfection, going from not praying together at all, to praying three days, then missing two, what would you say? Just keep going. We're not going to be perfect, and the goal isn't perfection; God is the only one who is perfect. We persevere. We want to pray more ourselves and more together. Some days we will, some days we won't, but we get back up and try again, without putting the expectation of perfection on ourselves, because that takes the joy out of it and turns it into a checklist rather than a "get to."

It reminds me of a message from the executive director at our church: more often than not, four to seven days is the tipping point for momentum. There's research around prayer and reading Scripture. At three out of seven days or less there wasn't much transformation, but the second you hit four out of seven, your life started to transform. So maybe make four the floor or the goal. Maybe we're shooting for seven days of praying together, but if we're hitting four, we're stacking meaningful transformation.

One thing to add: pray whatever is on your heart. Invite God into your day-to-day. Pray about your sex life, your children, whatever's on your heart. God wants to hear it. Prayer helps us see the bigness and power of God, and it brings the thing we're praying about into perspective, because it's not our prayers that are powerful, it's who we're praying to. That's why "He bends down" is so good: "Yes, my child, I want to hear from you." Nothing's too big, nothing's too small. Our job is just to pray.

Let's shift to church. We work with so many marriages who identify as Christians but have separated from any local church. What are common reasons we hear? One of the most common is church hurt, past experiences where trust was broken with a church. We grew up in church, we've been on staff at churches, and what we realized is that church is made of people. That's hard, because we look at leaders expecting them to operate in perfection, even though they have families and struggles and are going to God just like we are. A lot of it is our expectation.

The church isn't meant to be perfect, it's meant to be formative. It shapes us to become more like Jesus. Some of the disappointment, the church hurt, is actually an opportunity to grow. When we're disappointed, discouraged, hurt, or offended. Those things just happen when imperfect people interact. Every church I show up to immediately can't be perfect, because I showed up to it. But think about the formative side. We started going to a church in LA as young adults, dating, engaged, early years of marriage and parenting. And we learned a lot of our gifts and talents through serving there. One of my favorite things now is to teach, and I'm not sure I'd ever have discovered that. I was serving in youth ministry thinking I'd do anything, but I didn't like the sound of my own voice, back when phones had voicemails, I'd delete mine. Hearing my voice through a speaker was weird. But through serving with a heart of surrender, one time the host didn't show up and I was invited to host. Without that surrender, "God, I want to use my gifts to honor you". I might not have had that formative experience. For us, the reward of being part of a local community has far outweighed the hurts. And honestly, I've been offended at a Trader Joe's, at a movie theater, while driving, at a restaurant with a rude waiter. It happens everywhere.

When you think about the power of a marriage being part of a local church, what comes to mind? This could be a couple of podcasts. For our marriage. And this isn't about perfection, because we've experienced a lot of imperfect moments, what good has come? We've had community in the midst of losses and hard times, people showing up. When we were moving and starting over, our son's birthday came up, and an amazing community basically paid for the whole party, because moving brings a lot of expenses. He had the best party he's maybe ever had, at one of the hardest times of our lives. When you position yourself to be known, people know you, they know what's going on, and they help any way they can. It's not always extravagant. A lot of times it's just presence, people showing up at your door and being there. That's life-changing. The local church has really been a place where our family has flourished. The Bible says those who are planted in the house flourish (we'll put the Scripture notes in the show notes).

When we're not part of a community, the likelihood that we drift in our faith is so much higher. If we travel or miss a Sunday, I lose track of even what day it is. If we're not part of a local community, the likelihood that you're receiving and growing in your faith wanes compared to being part of one. Just because of the consistency. On a weekly basis it's an opportunity to learn and grow. So we really encourage people: have a church home. Serve. Contribute to that local community. It's an opportunity to grow in leadership in ways we may not get at work or in family dynamics. Because there are people, we'll have to navigate some discouraging or difficult moments. And that's okay. It doesn't mean the local church doesn't still bring value.

I had a moment at that LA church when I was an executive pastor of a large church. I had the privilege of baptizing hundreds of people. One person came up so excited that I'd baptized them years earlier. And I didn't recognize them. That moment was still so meaningful for them. It made me think: where do I have big expectations that someone else remembers a moment the way I do? Maybe they don't, but it doesn't mean there was any malice. Pastors of bigger churches add value to hundreds or thousands of people, and that doesn't make any one person less important. The bigger picture is that we're part of a local church not to follow a man or woman, but to follow God. To live out our faith and obey His encouragement to not forsake gathering together. I do that out of faith and obedience, believing God will honor it.

We don't know all the answers. We focus on what we do know and move forward on that. In Acts, we see the people of God gathering, helping, and sharing resources. When we're connected to a local church, it sharpens us, challenges us to rub shoulders with others, to deal with ourselves and learn how to interact with others. A couple of phrases we hear often: "I'm spiritual, not religious." A lot of times that means we've been hurt by the religious. But Scripture shows that while God isn't "religious," He emphasizes the importance of gathering together. And there's protection and covering there. If you don't have a community of believers. And a lot of couples we talk to don't, there's no covering. The other phrase is "I have a personal relationship with God." There's no condemnation in Christ here. But navigating the tension: we want to be spiritually connected to our spouse and have all God has for us. But are we doing the things that lead to that? Often, when we ask a few more questions, the couple doesn't read the Word. So you have a personal relationship with God, but the very Person you want to grow in relationship with, you don't know, because you haven't read what He says, and many of us aren't talking to Him. These are just opportunities to grow in the areas we say are important to us, so we can experience all God has for us.

When you share that "spiritual vs. religious" piece, God is relational. If I think about the command to love God and love people, the local church gives us the most consistent opportunity to do both: whether we're a greeter using our smile and warmth at the door, an usher, or using creative gifts. It also provides accountability. And sometimes the seasons I'm trying to avoid accountability are the seasons I need it most, because I default to my own comfort. God may be trying to use another person to get me back into alignment.

So, recapping with some action items. The first action item is about prayer: commit to praying together in a regular rhythm. We'll have a prayer guide attached in the episode notes to support you. The second is engaging in a local church community, take a baby step from wherever you are. Maybe you haven't been to church, or not consistently: a next step might be picking a local church to attend this Sunday. Maybe you have a church but you're half-in, half-out: commit to consistency, go every Sunday. Maybe you go consistently but you're on the fringe: serve, join a team. Your gifts and talents make the community better. The church is better when you partner in it. Whatever it is, take that next step to keep growing in your faith and in your spiritual connection with your spouse.

We are so excited for you. These areas produce freedom. These areas produce connection in your marriage and with others. We are cheering you on.