Christian Marriage Communication: Why Hiding Your Struggles Is Costing You
Episode - Step Into the Light: God's Path to Healing In Your Marriage
Most Christian couples we meet are doing exactly what you might be doing right now — keeping it together in public and managing the tension at home. You're not hiding because you don't care. You're hiding because you feel like you're supposed to have it figured out. If you've been leading a ministry, running a business, or just being the person your friends look to — and your marriage has been quietly struggling behind the scenes — this episode is for you.
Episode Summary: In this episode, we're talking about something that doesn't get said enough in Christian circles: struggling in your marriage doesn't mean your faith is weak. One does not equal the other.
We know this firsthand. When Chad and I met, his opening line was inviting me to church — so faith was part of our relationship from day one. We served together in youth ministry, got married, joined the staff of a local church, and were leading a team of 30-40 volunteers and a ministry of a couple of hundred students.
And our Christian marriage communication? A mess. We were having real arguments at home, managing real tension, and feeling this quiet weight of shame about it — because we were supposed to be setting the example.
Nobody called us out. So we kept pushing through instead of getting help. And the communication didn't get better.
That pattern is what we see over and over in the couples we work with now. Business leaders. Senior pastors. Ministry directors. People who are excellent at what they do professionally, carrying a private weight at home that nobody around them knows about. They give advice, they lead, they preach — and simultaneously feel like something's off because their marriage doesn't match what they're communicating publicly.
One of the men we worked with was part of the executive leadership at a local church. He and his wife were sleeping in different rooms. He'd go into work and feel it all day. The weight wasn't coming from pursuing health — it was coming from protecting an image. That's the difference. And choosing image over health is exhausting.
Here's what scripture actually says about getting help. In Proverbs 15:22, plans fail without counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Proverbs 11:14 says where there's no guidance people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to listen to advice and accept instruction so we can gain wisdom. Counsel isn't a modern therapy concept — it's woven through the whole of scripture.
And here's the piece that matters most: there is no condemnation in Christ. Because we're righteous in Him, we don't have to walk around in shame about where our marriage is right now. Shame keeps things in the dark. Bringing things into the light is where healing has the chance to begin.
There's also something worth saying about what the people around you already notice. We think that if nobody calls us out, nobody noticed. But you can tell when a couple is tender versus cold. Your kids pick it up. Your closest friends feel it. People who look to you as a leader sense it. Projecting health when the reality is different doesn't work as well as we hope.
The Holy Spirit is already showing you where there's more for your marriage. That quiet sense that something's off isn't condemnation — it's an invitation. Marriage is meant to reflect Christ and his church, and that reflection is worth protecting. Not by hiding what's broken, but by taking it to the light where it can actually heal.
Wherever you are today, you can't go back — but you can make a decision to take a step. Whether that's clearing time for consistent date nights, reaching out for couples counseling, or simply having an honest conversation with your spouse. Your marriage matters. And there's a lot of qualified people who'd love to come alongside you in this season.
Key Takeaways
Here's what we covered and what we want you to walk away with:
- Struggling in your marriage doesn't equal weak faith. These are separate things. High-capacity, deeply committed Christians struggle in marriage. That's not a faith failure — it's an invitation to grow.
- Shame keeps you stuck. Scripture doesn't call you to manage the appearance of health. It calls you to pursue real health. There's no condemnation in Christ — that's a foundation, not a platitude.
- Counsel is biblical. Proverbs 15:22, 11:14, and 19:20 all say the same thing: wisdom comes through getting help. This isn't weakness — it's what God prescribes.
- Projecting an image over health is costly. The people closest to you — your kids, your friends, your team — can already sense something's off. The gap between what you project and what you're living takes a real toll.
- A step toward health is a step of leadership. When you pursue christian marriage communication and growth, you give the people who look to you permission to do the same. Humility is contagious.
Scripture References
These are the passages we referenced or that connect to this episode's conversation:
- Proverbs 15:22 — "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed."
- Getting help isn't optional — it's how plans actually work.
- Proverbs 11:14 — "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety."
- Safety comes from counsel, not from hiding.
- Proverbs 19:20 — "Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future."
- Wisdom is the goal. Counsel is the path.
- Romans 8:1 — "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
- The shame you're carrying isn't from God.
- Ephesians 5:25-33 — Marriage as a reflection of Christ and the church. It's meant to tell a story — one worth protecting and investing in.
- Philippians 4:13 — "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
- Including having the courage to bring your marriage into the light.
Reflection Questions for Couples:
Grab some coffee, sit down together, and talk through these:
1. Is there an area in your marriage that you've been managing privately instead of bringing into the light? What's kept you from asking for help
2. Are you more committed to projecting health in your marriage, or pursuing it? What does that difference look like in your day-to-day life?
3. The people closest to you — your kids, your team, your closest friends — can they tell something's off? What would it mean to stop managing the perception and start doing the work?
4. What's one practical step you could take this week toward your marriage? Clearing your calendar for a real date night? Reaching out to a counselor? Having a conversation you've been avoiding?
Podcast Transcript
Sarah-Gayle (00:00)
Today we're going to talk about bringing marriage issues into the light. Oftentimes our knee-jerk reaction is to keep things hidden and to just keep moving through, but we want to bring those things into the light. And so we're going to talk about how to grow in communication and connection, but also really emphasize how a lot of times as Christians, we think that if we're struggling in our marriage, that our faith is weak. And that's just not true. One thing does not equal the other. So we want to talk more about that.
Chad (00:31)
And so I think about even in our story, early on in marriage. Even before that, Sarah Gale and I met, my pick-up line was inviting her to go to church with me. And so right from the beginning of our relationship, our faith played a part. We served in the youth ministry, we ended up getting married, and we were on staff at a local church and helping to lead the youth ministry. But the reality is, our communication was a mess. Hot mess. And so we're sitting here leading a team of 30, 40 volunteers, leading a youth ministry of a couple hundred kiddos, and having arguments at home and there was this tension and this almost like shame and this guilt around our communication and at the time we weren't really sure what to do and so it's kind of like wow well we're supposed to be leading we're supposed to be setting the example we're supposed to be some type of standard of communication when in reality we were 21 and 23 and newlyweds and kids leading kids basically yeah and so there's plenty of reasons for us to reach out and to get help. But I know in those early days we weren't and so the challenge was is our communication was not getting better. Yeah, and fast forward a couple decades in different podcasts will share a little bit more part of our story. But now we have the honor and the privilege of working with couples that are leading businesses that are leading ministries either senior pastors or overseeing a youth ministry or a men's ministry and there's a lot of this common pattern that we see where leaders in our community feel like because they're good at ministry or because they are leading professionally the assumption is they should know how to communicate in their marriage and so often these are different skills and so part of this we just want couples that are listening to this if you need help get it. It's okay, right? Like odds are your neighbors your other friends your family members if they have great communication in their marriage I'm willing to bet there's a level of intentionality. Yeah, or a level of equipping that they have done. Maybe you know about it. Maybe you don't but the biggest thing is not to shrink back into the dark not to allow a sense of shame or a sense of guilt to kind of linger and hover because all that does is prevent you from moving forward into everything that God actually has for you.
Sarah-Gayle (02:57)
Yeah, that's good. So I'm learning new things today. I'm learning that him inviting me to church was a pickup line, apparently. Well done, sir. Well done. And, you know, if this is you, you know, you're listening, if you're thinking, yeah, you know, we are we have high profile positions, whether it's in ministry, business or just in life. Like a lot of times people might not be in ministry or business, but they are the ones their friends look to. And, you know, they feel like they have to have it all together or maybe even they grew up thinking that because of what they saw, you know, a lot of couples have never seen their parents disagree or anything like that. And so it's it's us working through even our upbringing as far as okay what did we see and how is that perpetuating a way of interacting together that isn't authentic that is hiding that's not bringing things into the light and really what is important to know is that when we bring things into the light that is wisdom that is wisdom through and through. God tells us to bring it to counsel, get counsel, get wisdom. And so I wanna go over a couple of scriptures just to highlight this. In Proverbs 15, 22, it says, counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed. Proverbs 11, 14, where there's no guidance, a people falls, but in abundance of counselors, there is safety. And lastly, Proverbs 19, 20, listen to advice and accept instruction that you may gain wisdom in the future. And all throughout scripture there's more that is telling us, hey, God has already paid the price, right? There's no condemnation in Christ. On the contrary, because we are righteous in Christ, we can face different situations without guilt, without feeling like we have to hide and we have to be in shame because God wants us to bring it to him because he's paid the price. And then that's where the healing has an opportunity to start to take place.
Chad (04:50)
Yeah, and I think part of the rhythm of when we work with couples is oftentimes we'll do a consultation. And a consultation just maybe 20 or 25 minutes with a couple to see if we're a good fit. There's this pattern or this rhythm that I recognize that is part of the conversations when either a business leader or a ministry leader, there's a sense of shame in that conversation, like they should know better. And then one of the other things is there can be this pattern where there's a commitment, an underlying commitment to project image over health. And so a lot of them even talk about this tension that they experience when they're leading, whether it's their company or their ministry, that they're giving advice while simultaneously feeling in their heart that they are not in alignment because of their marriage, or really because of their communication in their marriage. And so what I love is like Christ is clear. Like he didn't pick any of us because of our perfection. Right? Like this whole foundation of our faith is that we weren't worthy, that we didn't have it together. And so I don't think that that changes just because we're believers or just because we're leading or just because we're serving or contributing. I think if anything, our health becomes that much more important. You know, there's a particular couple, he was like part of the executive of a local church, and their communication and their relationship, oftentimes they were sleeping in different rooms. And when he would go to work, he just felt like such a hypocrite. And he had a hard time really knowing how much it was or was not impacting his work and his ability to lead. But he felt the weight of it on a regular basis. And so here it was he was feeling a burden not because he was pursuing health but because he was trying to protect or project an image. That's good. And so if you're listening, I just want to encourage you — value health. Yeah, right value wisdom value counsel value putting you and your spouse in a position to thrive. Not just to survive or not just to cover things up, but to really thrive and to actually be an example, not just in your professional setting, but in the way that you and your spouse interact. I also feel like from our own experience that I guess my judgment is that we can project that we're doing better. But I don't know that it tricks other people. Yeah, like you can tell when a couple is tender or cold. Yeah, right. And so I think sometimes like if somebody doesn't call us out we think nobody noticed right, but I'm not sure people close to you if your marriage is struggling you know, or even if it's like your kids they overhear or don't overhear different conversations. Yeah. So once again, I think it just comes back to that our passion and our heart is to try and create a safe space where people can step into the light and get healing and encouragement and direction. And whether you work with us or not, you matter. Your marriage matters. And so there's so many qualified people that would love to come alongside and just encourage you in this season. And I think oftentimes when working with couples, one of the reviews or things is they wish they had started earlier. And wherever you are, you can't go back, but you can make a decision today.
Sarah-Gayle (08:21)
Yeah. And something that I think is actually quite beautiful is being aware internally when something is off. We know, we can feel it in our marriages when something is off and especially when a moment becomes a season and then it becomes just a lifestyle of how we're doing things because as followers of Christ we know that there's more Holy Spirit inside of us. The Holy Spirit is telling us, is trying to help us to really live God's design for marriage and it doesn't mean everything will be perfect and we're looking for perfection but there is a sense of fulfillment, a sense of joy, a sense of purpose when it comes to what God has equipped us for for our marriages with the Holy Spirit guiding us. And so I think when we can sense that something's off and then we have the courage to get the help, then that's incredible because that makes a big difference in how we show up in every atmosphere that we encounter in our families, in our workplaces and it helps us to become more like Christ. You know, marriage is a reflection of Christ and his church and some people might never step foot in an actual church, but when they see our marriages, they can get a sense of, I like to say it's almost like they can have a fragrance of heaven as they're seeing an authentic relationship. Not a perfect one, but an authentic one, one that forgives, one that serves, right? And I think when we can really listen to that voice that we all have when it comes to our marriage. You listening, I know there's something where it's like, Spirit's been telling you, has been showing you, and it's not in a condemning way. It's in an opportunity way where it's like, hey, I have more for you. I have more for marriage. And so that's one thing I encourage you listening and just to recognize that marriage is holy and it's not meant to be something that we pretend it is. It's meant to represent what God has designed it to represent. And in essence, that's our relationship with Him. And we know that our relationship with Him is full of highs and lows, but He's constant. He never changes. We're the ones who are all over the place. But as we go back to the source for our marriage, it's going to help us to see things the way that God sees things and be equipped for whatever it is that we encounter.
Chad (10:52)
Yeah, I love that idea of our marriage being such a key part of the gospel, right? Of sharing the good news. And I think about Jesus when he's talking to the disciples and how often and how quickly we can get things upside down, right? The disciples following Jesus are arguing over who's the greatest. And I don't know that that's changed much in our humanity. Fast forward a couple thousand years and there's moments where I'm thinking about greatness, where there can be comparison, where there can be impact, where there can be realistically pride can sneak in, right? But Christ set the standard of humility. And I think in our marriages, not only does humility help our marriages thrive, but when there's humility about needing help, we are also equipping and empowering the people that are looking to us as leaders to actually understand what can bring them freedom, what can bring them health, what can bring wisdom into their life. And so the challenging thing when we kind of pull back into the darkness, right? If we don't step into the light and get wisdom or get counsel, if we're leaders, if we're in ministry, if we're leading in business or education or within our community, we're indirectly leading the people that are following us to make that same choice that prevents them from getting help. Whereas when we step into humility and we're like hey like I'm committed to growth, yeah, I'm committed to honoring God, I'm committed to to the best of my ability in this season honoring God and in the context of marriage honoring my spouse and so if that's getting help and that's getting help it gives other people this freedom. Yeah, and so I just want to encourage you to maybe take a point of reflection as it relates to your marriage. Are there areas where you're projecting image over health? And what would it look like on a practical level to take a step towards prioritizing health? Is that clearing time off your calendar and getting consistent date nights and quality time and actually saying no to some things so that you can say yes to your marriage? Is that reaching out for more intentional couples counseling? Like what is that for you that would represent stepping into the light and stepping into wholeness and healing?
Sarah-Gayle (13:24)
Let's do it. I'm excited because when we step into the light, that's where we see Jesus and that's where we see all that he has planned for us for marriage in general. But that's also where we get that healing where we can be who we were created to be, where we can be congruent because a lot of times when we're saying one thing, but then we're living a different way, we're doing a different thing we have incongruence and that does impact our self-esteem. So I'm excited if that's you where you're recognizing, okay, there's a next step for me or if this is something you share with someone in your life that you care about where it's like, hey, listen to this, let's bring things into the light because we don't have to be ashamed. With Christ, anything is possible and when we go to Christ with what we're dealing with, he carries us, he helps us and he heals us and he shows us how to turn from the things that are not serving us and that are not helping us and how to find a better way. He has a better way for our marriages and that's what fires me up because a lot of us just live in this daunting chain and ball type of situation where it's like, no way, not the God that I serve. The God that I serve is good. The God that I serve has amazing things and plans in store for his children. And so I want that and I hope you do too. And it's within our reach.
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