17 Marriage Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage

Seventeen years. When I say it out loud it almost does not feel real. Everyone warns you that life goes fast, and they are right. So in honor of 17 years of marriage, I pulled together 17 lessons I keep coming back to, the ones that actually help a marriage grow instead of just survive.

None of these are complicated. Most of them are simple on paper and humbling in practice. Read through and notice which one lands on you today, because that is usually the one God is nudging you toward.

Key takeaways

• Simple beats complicated. The habits that hold a marriage together are small and repeatable, not dramatic.
• Grow yourself, not just the relationship. Your personal and spiritual growth pours straight back into your marriage.
• Protect the friendship. Connection, fun, and forgiveness are not extras, they are the maintenance plan.
• Do not wait for a crisis. Invest in your marriage now, while things are good, not only when they are breaking.

The 17 Lessons

1. Keep asking how to love them better. Frequently ask your spouse what it would look like to love and support them well. The answer changes over the years, so keep asking.
2. Be thankful in every season. There is something to learn and good to find in each one, and you will not get that season back.
3. Grow with God and pray together. Only God can fill your deepest needs. It was never your spouse's job to complete you.
4. Stop comparing your marriage. Your relationship is yours. You never see the full picture of anyone else's.
5. Let go of perfection. We are imperfect people, which means giving and receiving forgiveness and grace, constantly.
6. Take care of yourself. The more you grow personally and practice real self care, the more you have to bring to your marriage.
7. Do not be easily offended."Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (James 1:19). Most fights shrink when you slow down.
8. Celebrate your relationship. Take the pictures, pause in the special moments, and build a memory you can look back on.
9. Do not put the kids before your marriage. The best thing you can give your children is a strong, connected mom and dad.
10. Invest before the crisis. Podcasts, books, online marriage counseling, seminars, retreats. Do not wait for things to break to start learning.
11. Look for the good. Be genuinely thankful for what you have and where you are. There is always something good to find.
12. Dream together, year by year. Share your personal and shared goals, then keep checking in on them as you grow.
13. Say you are sorry, and mean it. Take ownership and actually change your actions. Apology plus change is what rebuilds trust.
14. Slow down and connect daily. In the middle of the busyness, make time to embrace, check in, and just be together.
15. Feelings come and go. When the butterflies are quiet, that is okay. Remember your commitment and love anyway.
16. Remember you are on the same team. Look at the bigger picture. Do not win the argument at the cost of the relationship.
17. Marriage is an adventure. Nourish the friendship, get out of your comfort zones, and have fun with your partner in life.

Do not win the argument at the cost of the relationship. Coach Sarah-Gayle

A few of these go deeper than a one liner

Number 16 is one I have to relearn all the time. It is so easy to slip into opponent mode in a disagreement and forget you actually want the same thing. We unpack that whole mindset shift in why you keep having the same marriage problems.

Number 5 and number 13, the grace and the ownership ones, are really about the heart underneath the behavior. When the same conflict keeps resurfacing, the fix is usually deeper than a better technique, which is what we mean by getting to the heart of the issue. And number 1, asking how to love your spouse well, is the simplest on ramp to love and respect in everyday life.

Key scriptures

Your next step this week

Pick the one lesson that hit you hardest and do something tiny with it this week. Ask your spouse how you could love them better, send the apology you have been sitting on, or put one date on the calendar. Small and done beats big and someday. And if a coach in your corner would help, that is what our Christian marriage counseling is for.

Reflection questions for you and your spouse

1. Which of the 17 lessons resonated with you most, and why?
2. Where have we been comparing our marriage to someone else's highlight reel?
3. Are we investing in our marriage now, or waiting for a crisis to start?
4. What is one dream or goal we could set and check in on together this year?
5. What is one small way we could connect every single day?

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Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle

There's always, always hope.