The Heart of the Issue in Marriage

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God." That is James 4:1-3, and it points at something most marriage advice skips right over.

We pour a lot of energy into the surface of our conflicts: who said what, who did what, how to communicate better. Those things matter. But the real battle is usually happening somewhere deeper, in the heart.

Key takeaways

• Married people are just people. Sinful, selfish, kind, compassionate, all of it. You fall short and so does your spouse.
• The fight underneath the fight is internal. James 4 says quarrels come from desires battling within us.
• Information is not transformation. Classes and counseling cannot fix what only a changed heart can.
• The first decision is whether you are in. Once that is settled, your creativity and focus shift to making the marriage work.

Married People Are Simply People

Married people are exactly that: people who are married. Sinful, selfish, compassionate, kind, a little crazy, and every other adjective we could come up with. When we take an honest look at ourselves, we see we fall short. When we turn that same gaze on our spouse, we see they fall short too. So what do we do with that? We look to God.

In the middle of our shortcomings, He makes a way. "It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13). Through our relationship with Jesus, there is opportunity for more in our marriages. Maybe you never saw a vibrant, fun, fulfilling marriage modeled growing up, and the whole idea feels foreign. God still gives His best, and His definition of love is flawless. It is us, people, who tend to distort it.

God's definition of love is flawless. It is us who tend to distort it. Coach Sarah-Gayle

Information Is Not Transformation

So here is the heart of the issue: it is choosing to trust God's plan for your marriage above your own plan, and above your own emotions, wants, and desires.

"We need counseling," you say. "We need to learn to communicate better." Maybe. But there is more to it. When Sarah-Gayle earned her master's in marriage and family therapy, the majority of couples she counseled did not actually need counseling. They needed a heart transformation. They needed to decide whether they even wanted to be in their marriage. Once that decision is settled, your creativity and your focus turn toward what it takes to make the marriage work. You start operating with grace and compassion instead of judgment and a critical eye.

Until your heart is set on restoration and fighting for your marriage, nothing really changes. You can take every communication class your schedule allows and go to all the counseling you can afford, but without getting to the heart of the issue, you just get saturated in information that has no power to transform. And that often leaves a couple worse than they started. Hopeless.

You can fill up on information and still be starving for transformation. Hope Relentless

Getting to the Root

We have to get to the heart of the issue, and often the root of it is tangled up deep down inside us. It is masked in hurt and deception, sometimes hidden even from our own awareness. God sees it. He knows, and He is waiting for us to ask Him, to reach out and let Him restore what has been lost and redeem what has been abused.

This is not a call to skip the skills. Communication tools and a wise coach matter, and they work beautifully once the heart is in the right place. The order is just everything. Heart first, then the tools have something to take root in. That is also why we lead with personal responsibility, owning your own heart before pointing at your spouse's, which we unpack in the power of personal responsibility in marriage.

So here is the real question. Are you willing to begin again, and to be vulnerable again, long enough to get to the heart of the issue? You may just find the marriage that felt dead to you start to come back to life as you do.

Key scriptures

Your next step this week

Before you reach for another tool, sit with one honest question and bring it to God: what is going on in my own heart that is fueling our conflict? Then ask Him to begin the work only He can do.

Reflection questions for you and your spouse

1. Have I settled the first decision: am I truly in this marriage?
2. Where am I trying to fix the surface while ignoring my own heart?
3. What hurt or desire might be battling underneath our recurring conflict?
4. What would it look like to invite God into the heart of our issue this week?

Save this for later

Save to Pinterest

Save to Pinterest

Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle

There's always, always hope.