How Leading Yourself Grows Your Marriage

Chad: Hello, my name is Chad and this is my beautiful wife, Sarah-Gayle. Today we are talking about one of the biggest impacts on the health of your marriage, learning how to lead yourself. So often, couples think they will get breakthrough because their spouse is going to change. They come into coaching hoping one of us sides with them and breaks through to their spouse.

Sarah-Gayle: Can intercept for them, right.

Chad: Yes, and gets them to listen. We have been there. We know that temptation, fully convinced the solution is our spouse changing and growing. But we see, over and over, the breakthrough that is on the other side of self-leadership. A couple of things equip us as individuals to grow and be more whole and healthy, and that strength has a ripple effect into our marriages and every other area of life.

Sarah-Gayle: When you talk about that intercessor, I think of so many sessions where people say, we just want to know who is right. You want that satisfaction. We joke, let's replay the recording. But if you win a moment, ultimately you are not growing the marriage. Am I trying to win this battle, or recognizing we are a team and want to do whatever it takes to grow the marriage? Sometimes that means not winning that particular argument. How we grow personally pours out into the marriage. Two whole people make the best marriages. John Maxwell says the first person you lead is you. I have been guilty of trying to lead him before leading myself. Scripture says take the plank out of your own eye first, because it is easy to point at someone else and bypass the work we can do as we look inward.

Chad: I read a ton of Maxwell in college. For me, leading myself ties to a mindset we teach, communication is about connection. This is still hard when I get into a reactive state. When I am healthier, operating from strength, I respond to what Sarah-Gayle shares instead of react. When I react, it gets louder, my tone gets argumentative, condescending, I am trying to win, and it puts us on a different path. When we react to each other, the conversation is usually hurtful, frustrating, disconnected. When we respond, one of the most powerful things is acknowledging what each other shared, and the temperature and pace support connection. I need to own that I am capable of not reacting, regardless of what she does. I am in control of my own emotional state, even in difficult conversations.

Sarah-Gayle: There are a couple of steps to get to a place where we are proactive and able to regulate before reacting. It requires thoughtfulness and intentionality. A lot of times we bypass the work on ourselves, the self-care and self-leadership, because we have so much to do. Moms, business owners, ministry leaders. We tell ourselves we do not have time to stop and assess and reflect. But if we do not, we keep doing the same things. One business leader said, at the end of every day, look at how you did and decide if you would fire yourself or keep yourself. That is self-reflection. Would I keep me on staff as the CEO of my life, based on today?

Chad: There are so many journals and tools trying to get us to be aware of our own health. If you have no system to check in, one of my favorite questions is, how are you doing, really? When we work with leaders, faith-based or for-profit, we can sacrifice our individual health at the altar of the organization we are leading. In the short term we get rewarded for it. But the question is whether that growth is sustainable. I heard that the biggest risk to a small business is the health of the leader, if they run out of passion, energy, or vision. A lot of our work comes back to the organization of the marriage and family, and our individual health is the biggest opportunity and the biggest risk. So part of our encouragement is, prioritize your individual health. As I invest in myself, I show up as a better husband. As Sarah-Gayle invests in herself, she shows up as a better wife. The marriage benefits from that strength.

Sarah-Gayle: You matter. So we will transition into ways to lead yourself. One is the self inventory. With couples, we ask, on a scale of one to ten, what is your self-satisfaction? I let them score two ways, the person you are now, and the person you are becoming, because a lot of us have changes in the works. I remember a highly successful doctor who scored himself about a two or three out of ten.

Chad: Yeah, a two or three out of ten.

Sarah-Gayle: He had everything on paper, but he was a two. We say, let's look at that with urgency, because it does not just go away, and it is hard to enjoy anything, including marriage, when self-satisfaction is that low. I think of the scripture that God blesses and adds no sorrow to it. When we take inventory, we are honest and getting rid of pride. We are an open book. Lord, search my heart, see if there is any offensive way in me. When we do that, He shows us, and then we grow with authenticity. When we hide and pretend, sometimes we are blessed, but there is sorrow added, because we have neglected our marriage or our children while grinding.

Chad: A specific action item: reflect on that question, what is your current personal satisfaction, one to ten? Distinguish where you are from where you are becoming if you already have things in place. Then ask, what would move it up one or two points? That gives momentum. Trying to jump from a two to a ten makes us give up. Here is why this matters, because the next thing is prioritizing time with God, prayer, and His Word. When we have more clarity, we can study the parts of God's promises that speak directly to the area we are trying to grow in, not just the gurus, but God's word, so our prayer and reading line up with what God wants to do in us.

Sarah-Gayle: When we are busy and high capacity, one of the first things to go is our time with the Lord. But the essence of what I have heard is, when we are at capacity, we do not have time not to be in the Word, not to be prayerful, because we need that wisdom in a busy time. When we feel stretched, we become reactive, and reactive is typically not God's best.

Chad: The third part is building healthy rhythms. For some personalities this looks different. I am more structured, or I look to create structure, and I tell myself I thrive on it. When I am overwhelmed without a clear path, that is when I cope, social media or TV, and my screen time gets out of hand. With structure, this is when I work out, this is when I read, that supports me. Even if you are less structured, build rhythms around the important things, your marriage, quality time, God's Word, your physical body. One thing I share: just because there is empty space on the calendar does not mean I have the energy to execute it. The whole calendar should not be full. Sometimes date night comes and we are exhausted. That signals other areas need to be managed better, so that when we get to what matters, we have energy for it. If you do not, take it to prayer and ask God for wisdom about where you are taking on things outside of what He has for you.

Sarah-Gayle: When we do not create rhythms, we can feel in debt to our time, like it is insurmountable. This is where goals come in. Once you have gone to God in prayer and have that self inventory of what matters, set goals with timing and little wins, because trying to go from a two to a ten is discouraging. Write the goals down, it keeps them top of mind. I might decide to drink seven glasses of water and forget by 11am, but a sticky note in front of me keeps me on target. Keep your goals on paper, and when opportunities come up, check whether they align. We make our plans, but the Lord directs our steps.

Chad: On a practical level, because we work with so many couples, codependency can creep into this. The whole focus is, you matter, and investing in yourself is one of the greatest returns for you, your marriage, your family, your business. Start with the self-assessment, let it guide action items. And when it comes to your marriage, do not ask your spouse, what do you think I should do? Self-leadership is identifying it yourself, taking ownership, then inviting your spouse to speak into it as a supplement. Then share what support could look like. Here is how I could benefit from support. That way you take ownership and support each other along the journey.

Sarah-Gayle: You make a great team. We want you to grow together as you grow individually. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God made you on purpose, for purpose. As we lean into Him and take that self inventory, and put healthy rhythms in place, we will see the marriage God has for us, one that brings blessing and adds no sorrow to it, because we are connected and rooted. We are cheering you on.