Does Marriage Take Work, or Should It Just Be Easy?
When you first get married, you have the rose-colored glasses on. You married the love of your life, and everything they do seems wonderful. Then a couple months or a couple years go by, things are not going the way you pictured, and a quiet question creeps in: did I marry the wrong person?
Usually the answer is no. What is actually missing is one piece almost nobody warns you about. Marriage takes intentionality. It takes work. And in this episode we get honest about why that is good news, not bad.
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Episode summary
Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. It really is a ripple effect, which is why investing in yours matters so much. In this conversation we tackle a question that comes up constantly with the couples we coach: should marriage take work, or should the right relationship just feel easy?
We talk about why "easy" is a false expectation, why the word "work" trips so many of us up, and how reframing it as intentionality changes everything. We share the seasons of marriage, the personal turning points that shaped ours, and simple, practical next steps you can start this week.
Key takeaways
- "It should just be easy" is a false expectation. It sets you and your spouse up for frustration.
- Everything worthwhile takes work. Health, careers, friendships. Marriage is no different.
- If the word "work" bugs you, reframe it. Intentionality, investment, opportunity. Use the word that motivates you.
- The work changes by season. The intensity shifts; the intentionality never stops.
- Start with yourself. You cannot control your spouse, but becoming a better you has a ripple effect.
- You are doing better than you think. Caring enough to work on it is the win.
Should Marriage Take Work, or Should It Just Be Easy?
The dating phase and the married phase are fundamentally different. When you are dating, you might have your own houses, your own jobs, your own routines. The time you spend together is fun: a new restaurant, a concert, an experience. Then you each go back to your own life and do things your own way.
Marriage is different. Suddenly you go to sleep together and wake up together. There are dirty clothes, dirty dishes, household chores, the responsibilities of running a home, the parts that are not sexy or fun. It is easy to fall into a rut, and easy to carry false expectations into it. When things get hard, you start wondering if you chose wrong, when really you are just bumping into the reality that marriage takes intentionality.
Everything Worthwhile Takes Work
Think about any area of your life where you have had some success or strength. It almost always took work. Good grades took work. A promotion took work. Being in good shape takes work, and apparently more of it the older you get (or maybe the secret is just a little less food). The point is that the parts of our lives that are thriving usually got there through intentionality and a plan.
Marriage is the same. The belief that the right person makes everything fall into place on its own is a false expectation that leads to a lot of frustration, for you and for your spouse.
If the Word "Work" Bugs You, Reframe It
Here is something we have noticed: the word "work" itself rubs people the wrong way. Sarah-Gayle pictures gardening with a shovel in the hot Arizona sun (which, for the record, she has never actually done). Chad hears "work" and thinks of the nine to five he cannot wait to leave for the weekend. So take a second and notice: when we say you have to work on your marriage, what does that bring up for you, and is it negative?
If it is, reframe it. Maybe the word is investment, like putting something into an account that grows. Maybe it is opportunity. For us, the word that lands is intentionality: actually planning what we want and doing it. Whatever word makes the idea feel worthwhile and even exciting, use that one. Do not let the word "work" drag in baggage that does not belong in your marriage.
Whatever word makes it feel worthwhile, use it. The marriage is worth the work. Coach Sarah-Gayle
Why This Matters: The Story We Tell Ourselves
When we hold "work" as a negative, it becomes hard to persevere through the hard times, because we start believing that if we are having to work at it, something must be wrong. So we give up. We say, "this just is not working."
But watch what happens with the couples who come to us for coaching. Two, three, four weeks in, a lot of their circumstances have not changed yet. What has changed is the level of intentionality of each spouse. Now they are noticing the bids for connection and taking them. "That meal you made was amazing, thank you." They are finding small ways to support and encourage each other. The environment shifts, not because life got easier, but because they started putting in the work.
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Take the Free AssessmentThe Work Changes by Season
Every season of marriage asks you to keep showing up, and often to show up differently. A boss is not impressed that you showed up last week; the question is whether you are showing up this week. Marriage is similar. The same principle that grows your health or your career grows your relationship: keep prioritizing it.
The seasons each have their own feel. In premarital and the early days, the work can feel fun, exciting, hopeful. When you are married and struggling, the work can feel genuinely hard, and that is okay, because you are in a different moment. When you are married and happy, the work might look like scheduling the vacation that protects your connection. The intensity changes by season. The intentionality is the constant, and thriving couples learn to notice when a season has shifted so their effort can shift with it.
Start With Yourself, Not Your Spouse
One of the things that helped Chad realize marriage is worth the work happened on an individual level. Going through Celebrate Recovery and the twelve-step studies, the journaling, reading, reflecting, and sharing felt like a long, monotonous season. But as he put in the work to become a better version of himself, it had a clear, positive impact on the marriage. He was not even in a marriage workshop. He was just becoming a better husband, and that rippled into a better marriage.
That is the empowering part. We can spend a lot of energy wishing our spouse would put in the work: things would be better if they would just do this or that. But you cannot control your spouse's attitudes, actions, or behavior. You can control yours. So the question becomes, what can I do in this season to invest in and contribute to this marriage? If we are both just waiting for the other person to go first, nothing changes. We dig deeper into that in the power of personal responsibility in marriage.
If we are both waiting for the other one to go first, nothing changes. Start with your own half. Coach Chad
A Story From Year Two
Sarah-Gayle still remembers the moment this clicked, around year two of our marriage. She was in the shower, frustrated, feeling like she kept communicating the same things over and over. Our ongoing pattern back then was this: she would feel a certain way, and Chad would respond with "well, that is not the truth of the situation, so you should not feel that way." She would get caught up in her feelings because she just wanted to be met in them.
The shift for her was taking personal responsibility and realizing Chad does not exist only to hear her feelings, even the irrational ones. He is not the knight in shining armor whose job is to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it. He is a real person with his own feelings, goals, and dreams. That sounds basic, but it was a real turning point.
She describes it like a door. You want to get to the other side, so you walk up to it, and then you just stand there, waiting, not recognizing that getting through takes reaching out and actually opening it. Showing up is only half of it. The marriage grows and is defined by the intentionality you put into it.
And to be honest, after more than eighteen years of marriage, we still navigate that same dynamic. Sarah-Gayle is more emotional and wants to share what she is feeling; Chad jumps straight to "what is the problem and how do we fix it." He has no issue with her sharing emotions, he just wants to fix them immediately, and she often just wants him present. It still takes intentionality to have those conversations in a way where we both feel heard, respected, and valued.
You Are Doing Better Than You Think
Young couples come to us a year or two in, distraught, saying they are not communicating well or understanding each other, and they are genuinely shaken. Often the most helpful thing we can say is, you are doing better than you think you are. Especially once we hear the upbringing and the past they are carrying, it is a needed reality check, because almost nobody talks about the work and intentionality marriage takes.
Here is the truth: we worry when a couple stops caring, when they sweep it under the rug because it is uncomfortable to talk about. That is what comes back to bite you, and it is how people end up saying "irreconcilable differences." If you still care, if you want to work through it, you are winning, as long as you do not give up. It is good work, and you mature in how you do it. What feels discouraging at first slowly becomes, "I know this cycle, and I am ready to talk about it in a way that is loving and respectful." If you want a guide for that, reach out, and in the meantime here is the blueprint for a phenomenal marriage.
Make It Practical
Let us land the plane with something you can actually do. One simple form of intentionality is a regular date night. Chad pushed back on weekly for a long time, but here is the math: if you aim for weekly and hit three out of four weeks, you are in a far better spot than aiming for once a month. This has been our best year of date-night consistency, and even then they started to feel like a chore: jump in the car, grab food, done. So we made a tiny adjustment that changed everything. We started giving each month a theme. For July, we both love Mexican food, so we are visiting four different Mexican spots, chasing good tacos and margaritas. It took almost no effort to create, and we are already excited about it. A little intentionality goes a long way.
Sarah-Gayle's step is even simpler: reframe how you view the work. Make it opportunity, intentionality, whatever word excites you, because the work is what shapes your marriage into what you want it to be.
Key scriptures
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9
The harvest comes to the couple who keeps sowing good, season after season, without giving up.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.
Philippians 1:6
The work of your marriage is not all on your shoulders. God is at work in you and in your spouse.
Your next step this week
Two small moves. First, put one date night on the calendar and give it a theme so it feels like something to look forward to, not a chore. Second, pick the word that reframes "work" for you (intentionality, investment, opportunity) and notice where you can be intentional on your own half this week.
Reflection questions for you and your spouse
- When I hear "work on your marriage," what comes up for me, and is it negative? What word would reframe it?
- Where have I been waiting for you to go first instead of working on my own half?
- What season are we in right now, and what kind of intentionality does it ask for?
- What is one small, themed date night we could plan this month?
Want a coach in your corner?
We help couples turn "work" into intentionality that actually pays off. In a free 30-minute consultation we will get a picture of where you are and help you build a plan to move forward as a team.
Book a Free 30-Minute ConsultationCheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle
There's always, always hope.
Read the full episode transcript
Hey, and welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast. We are so happy you've joined us, and it's a big deal that you are taking the time. I say this every podcast, but it's worthwhile for you to spend time with us and with other resources to grow in your relationship. So well done, and congratulations on putting your marriage first. Remember, marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. It's a ripple effect, and we are literally changing the world one marriage at a time.
I'm excited to be here, and excited to be with you, babe, as we talk about today's topic: should marriage take work, or should marriage just be easy? It can seem like a simple idea, but when we're counseling couples, this question of work versus ease comes up all the time.
When we first get married, the honeymoon stage and even a lot of the dating stage, we're kind of on cloud nine. Part of it is mentality. We've talked about mindset on this podcast. You're marrying the love of your life, and everything they do is wonderful because you have your rose-colored glasses on. Then a couple months or a couple years in, things aren't going the way we think they should, and we wonder, gosh, did I marry the wrong person? Really, we're just missing the reality of marriage taking intentionality, marriage taking work.
The dating phase is fundamentally different from the married phase. Dating, you might have your own houses, your own jobs, and the time you spend together is fun: a new restaurant, a concert, an experience. Then you go back to your own homes and your own lives and do things the way you want. In marriage, suddenly you go to sleep together and wake up together, and there's the dirty clothes, the dirty dishes, the household chores, the responsibilities of running a house. It's easy to fall into a rut, and to carry false expectations.
Life takes work. Any area of my life where I've had some success or strength took work. School and good grades took work. A promotion took work. Being in good shape takes work, especially as I get older. For something to be healthy and strong, there was usually intentionality and a plan in place. It's the same with marriage. The idea that if I find the right person everything just falls into place is a false expectation that sets us up for frustration.
One thing I've noticed is the word "work" can rub us the wrong way. A lot of times "work" makes us think of the nine to five we can't wait to leave. For a weird reason, I think of gardening, getting my shovel and digging in the hot Arizona sun, which I've actually never done. It just brings up negativity. So take a moment: when I say you've got to work on your marriage, what does it bring up for you, and is it negative?
I don't love that word either. Culturally it's "time to go to work" versus the weekend when it's time to play and have fun. Maybe a better word is investment. Investment makes me feel like I'm putting something in that will grow. Regardless of the word, the answer is yes, marriage does take it. Whatever word you need, reframe "work" into a positive one. For me, intentionality is the word. Marriage takes intentionality, actually planning what you want to do. Don't get tripped up on the word "work" and drag in other ideas of what work means.
If anything matters to us, we'll have that intentionality, that grit, that tenacity and perseverance. When we think of work in a negative way, it gets hard to persevere through hard times, because we think if we're working for something then something must be wrong, so we give up and say this isn't working.
That's common with couples who come to Hope Relentless for coaching. Two, three, four weeks in, a lot of the circumstances haven't changed yet, but the level of intentionality of each spouse has changed. Now they're taking the moments to show gratitude and appreciation, the bids of affection. "That meal you cooked was amazing, thank you." They're finding ways to support and encourage each other, and the environment changes. The difference is they're putting in the work.
One of the things that's challenging about marriage is the same thing that's challenging about life: every season requires us to keep showing up, and potentially differently. A boss isn't interested that you showed up last week; they're interested in this week. The same principles that make sense in our health or careers apply in marriage. If dating is one of the reasons we got married, then to keep the relationship thriving we need to keep going on dates and having experiences and moments of fun, because life has challenges.
Speaking of seasons, the work in premarital times looks different than the work when you're struggling, which looks different than the work when you're married and happy. The lifeline that never changes is the intentionality. But the intensity can look different depending on the season. In premarriage it can feel fun and hopeful; when struggling it can feel hard, and that's okay; when happy it might look like scheduling a vacation to keep your connection. Thriving couples keep the intentionality and recognize when a season has changed so the work can adjust.
Early on, what helped me realize marriage takes work, and that my marriage is worth the work, was on an individual level. Going through Celebrate Recovery and the twelve-step studies, the journaling, reading, reflecting, and sharing felt like a long, monotonous season. But as I put in the work to become a better version of myself, there were positive impacts on the marriage. It helped me realize I hold in my hands the ability to have a positive influence on our marriage. By becoming a better version of myself, I became a better husband, and that helped us have a better marriage. Sometimes we want our spouse to put in the work. The reality is I can't control your attitudes, actions, and behavior, so the question is what can I do in this season to invest in and contribute to the marriage. If we're both waiting for the other one, we're unlikely to see change.
It's empowering when we start to work on ourselves, because it's something active we can do rather than sitting back feeling like a victim. We get to mold and shape our own environment. The example that hit me was around year two of our marriage. I was in the shower, frustrated, feeling like I was communicating the same things over and over. Our perpetual conversation was that I would feel a certain way, and you would say that's not how I think, or that's not the truth of the situation, so you shouldn't feel that way, and I'd get caught up in my feelings because I just wanted you to be in them. Where I had to take personal responsibility was recognizing that he doesn't exist just to hear my feelings, even when they're irrational. He's not the knight in shining armor who does whatever I want whenever I want it. He's a real person with his own feelings, goals, and dreams. I liken it to wanting to walk through a door but not opening it. I go up to the door and just stand there, not recognizing it takes work to reach out and open it. Showing up is half the battle, but the marriage grows and is defined by the work and intentionality you put into it.
Here we are about to celebrate eighteen years of marriage, our marriage is about to be an adult. We still navigate those dynamics every day. You're more emotional and want to share what you're feeling, and I'm more "what's the problem and how do we fix it." I jump to fixing immediately, and you want me to be present. It still takes work and intentionality to navigate those conversations in a way where we both feel heard, respected, and valued.
I see young couples come to me distraught, married a year or two, saying they're not communicating well or understanding one another. I tell them, you're doing better than you think you are, especially once I learn the upbringing and past they've been through. It's a reality check, because we don't hear about the work and intentionality marriage takes. We worry when you don't care, when you sweep it under the rug because it's uncomfortable, because that comes back to bite you and you end up saying you have irreconcilable differences. You're winning as long as you don't give up and you take the time to get help to work through it. We've been married eighteen years, July 17th, and we still work on it. But it's good work. You mature in how you work on it. At first it's discouraging, and then you get to where you know the cycle and you're prepared to talk about it in a loving and respectful way.
Let's land the plane with practical steps. For me, one form of intentionality is date nights. I pushed back on weekly for a long time, but if we push for weekly and hit three out of four weeks, we're in a much better spot than once a month. This has been our best year of date-night consistency, but they started to feel like a chore: jump in the car, grab food, done. So we made a minimal adjustment that makes it exciting, creating themes. For July, we both love Mexican food, so we're going to four different Mexican restaurants for tacos and margaritas. A little intentionality goes far. My action step is to reframe how you view work in your marriage. Reframe it to opportunity, intentionality, whatever word is exciting for you, because the work is worth it. It's what shapes the marriage into what you want it to be.
The last thing I'll say, as always, is that whether you are married and going through something, married and happy, or almost married and thinking about it, there is always, always hope to experience more than you can imagine in your marriage. It just takes that intentionality and that work. See you next time.