Your Spouse Is Your Teammate: How to Get on the Same Team in Marriage
In the day to day, it is easy to lose sight of one of the most important truths in marriage: your spouse is your teammate. Without meaning to, we start competing against the person we are supposed to be competing alongside.
This one hits close to home for us. We met at UCLA, we are Bruins through and through, and we played sports our whole lives. So teamwork is not just a nice idea to us, it is in our bones. In this episode we unpack what it really means to wear the same jersey in your marriage, and how it changes everything.
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Episode summary
Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. By being intentional about your marriage, you are literally changing the next generation. And as a friend reminded us recently, consistency is what transforms average into excellence.
In this conversation we dig into the idea that your spouse is your teammate, not your competition. We talk about the strengths of playing as a team, what makes a good teammate, how to lead with grace when your team takes a loss, what a championship marriage looks like, and the practical steps to start playing as one.
Key takeaways
- Your spouse is on your team. The shift from competing against each other to competing alongside each other changes everything.
- You can do more together. Different God-given strengths, played like positions on a team, multiply what you can build.
- Good teammates encourage and bring effort. A simple question: how can I be a better teammate?
- Lead with grace. Everyone has off games. Sometimes you do more than your part and say, "I see you, I got you."
- Aim for a championship team. Not "I did my share." Next person up, shared goals, and celebration.
We Are Bruins: Why Teamwork Is in Our Bones
A little background. We met at UCLA. Chad ran track, in those famously tiny shorts that, for the record, still fit him to this day. Sarah-Gayle played soccer. We competed our whole lives, so this concept of teamwork is genuinely ingrained in us.
Here is what is interesting. At UCLA we wore uniforms, so it was obvious who was on your team. In marriage, we can lose sight of who our teammates are surprisingly fast. We work with couples where one spouse is on the same team as their job and the other is not, or one is on the same team as the kids and the other is on a different team entirely.
Early in our marriage we literally raced to make the bed against each other, as if only one of us could win. It was lighthearted (there may or may not have been a pillow thrown across the room to win), but it is a funny picture of how easily "us" becomes "me versus you."
The Shift That Changes Everything
The primary thing we help couples see at Hope Relentless is that they are teammates. They are wearing the same jersey. It is not Sarah-Gayle versus Chad, and it is not you versus your spouse. For a lot of couples that is revolutionary, and they gravitate toward it immediately.
Sometimes at the start of a season working together, Sarah-Gayle will even have a couple find one thing they can both wear or hold onto as a reminder that they are on the same team. A wristband, a fake tattoo, a real one for the bold. Whatever it is, it is a physical cue: same team.
It is not me versus you. You are wearing the same jersey. Coach Sarah-Gayle
Strength One: You Can Do More Together
One of the great strengths of a team is that you can do more together than apart. When one of us gets home from the grocery store and we unload the car together, it is easier and faster. Now scale that up to the things that actually matter: raising kids, building a business, impacting your neighbors and community.
We believe God has given each of us different strengths and talents. Our personalities have strengths and weaknesses, and they are usually different from our spouse's. When we work together, you get to operate in your strengths and I get to operate in mine, the way different players fill different positions. That is one of the real benefits of seeing your marriage as a team.
And it takes personal responsibility. On a team, you show up your best because your teammates are counting on you. In marriage, that sometimes means getting the internal help we need, the mental and emotional growth and healing, because our teammate is counting on us to do the one thing only we can do: grow ourselves. We go deeper on that in the power of personal responsibility in marriage.
Strength Two: There Is Always Room to Grow
A team is made up of individuals, and even when a season does not finish well, there is always opportunity to grow. If your marriage is in a hard season, the hope is the same: you can always learn something new and get better. It is not about your failures, or even your successes. It is about the process, about being consistent.
Consistency is what transforms average into excellence. Coach Chad
What Makes a Good Teammate
A simple question we can all ask is, how can I be the best teammate I can be? When we picture a great teammate, two things stand out. The first is encouragement, because an encouraging teammate creates a positive environment. The second is effort. We have all been on a team where someone is not putting in the work, and it is deflating. So the action step is straightforward: pick one or two ways to be a better teammate this week, and bring them into your marriage and your family.
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Take the Free AssessmentWhen the Team Takes a Loss, Lead With Grace
Being a teammate can be hard, because teams lose. There will be moments in marriage where the outcome is disappointing: your attitude, how you responded, a time you did not show up with the strength or leadership you wanted to. That is exactly why a team needs an environment of grace. You will make mistakes. Your spouse will too.
When the team takes a loss, you rally instead of quitting. You gather and ask honest questions: what went wrong, and what did I do, my part included? The temptation, the one we even see in our own sons, is to point fingers: we lost because so-and-so missed the goal. A healthy teammate looks inward first and asks, how could I have shown up better?
And here is the part that is easy to miss. Sometimes you need to do more than your part. We all have off games. When your teammate is having one, you come alongside and say, "I see you, I got you, I am still going to bring my A game." In marriage we tend to do the opposite: if you do not treat me well, then I will not treat you well. But a team would never say, "since you are playing badly, I am going to play badly too."
A team does not say, "since you are off your game, I will play badly too." Sometimes you do more than your part. Coach Sarah-Gayle
Aim to Be a Championship Team
Take it one step further. If your marriage were a championship team, what would it look like? Some teams lose and never improve. That is not the team we want to mimic. Often when we work with couples, both have drawn a line in the sand: I am doing my share, they are not. That turns into a blame game, and the gap never gets filled.
A championship team thinks differently. The ideal is everyone showing up at their best at the same time. But injuries and sickness happen, and life is no different. Some seasons, something is pulling at one of you and you simply cannot contribute at the same level you did a week ago. Championship teams live by "next person up." When one of you is having an off day, the other leans in. In our marriage the pendulum swings: sometimes one of us carries more of the household, then it shifts and the other does. Marriages get tripped up when we get so focused on our individual self and what we want that we lose sight of the team.
That is also where communication comes in. A team has positions, roles, and responsibilities, and you have to talk about who is doing what, or you end up duplicating effort or working outside your gifts. When you communicate, you can position yourselves well and get into agreement, and there is real power in agreement.
Practical Steps to Play as a Team
A few action steps to put this to work:
Talk about what a championship team looks like for your family. Just having that conversation will surface your shared values and targets.
Pick a goal you are moving toward together. Teams have a mission. A shared target creates common language and common direction. For us, there was a season after we moved from LA to Arizona, navigating career transitions and some debt we did not want, where we got on the same page: live lean, and put everything above our basic needs toward the debt. Because we were in agreement, paying it off was actually fun to accomplish and celebrate, and then we set a new goal of saving a down payment for a house.
Celebrate together, and enjoy the journey. A team goes up and falls behind and keeps moving forward. Find little things to celebrate with your spouse along the way, not just the big wins.
It is the same thing we tell our boys about their own teams: focus on three things. Have a good attitude, encourage your teammates, and try your hardest. That sums up most of what it takes to be a great teammate to your spouse too.
Key scriptures
How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity... for there the Lord bestows his blessing.
Psalm 133:1, 3
Unity commands a blessing. When you are unified about what you are building, it changes everything about how you move forward.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.
Ecclesiastes 4:9
You were designed for partnership. The good return comes when you labor together, not in competition.
Your next step this week
Sit down with your spouse and answer one question together: what would it look like to be a championship team for our family? Then pick one shared goal you are both excited about and name one small win you can celebrate this week.
Reflection questions for you and your spouse
- Where have I been competing against you instead of alongside you?
- What strengths do each of us bring that we could lean into like positions on a team?
- When you are having an off day, how can I do more than my part instead of matching it?
- What is one shared goal we could move toward together right now?
Want a coach in your corner?
Helping couples get back on the same team is the heart of what we do. In a free 30-minute consultation we will get a picture of where you are and help you build a plan to move forward as a team.
Book a Free 30-Minute ConsultationCheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle
There's always, always hope.
Read the full episode transcript
Hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast. This is Sarah-Gayle and Chad, and we are so happy you're tuning in. Congratulations on being intentional about your marriage by listening. Remember, marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. What you are doing is a big deal. You are literally changing the next generation by investing in your marriage. Well done.
I was just talking with a friend about consistency, and the quote I saw was that consistency is what transforms average into excellence. For those of you who show up and listen each week, that is what we are all about: becoming the best versions of ourselves and encouraging the people around us.
Today we want to talk about the idea that your spouse is your teammate. In the day to day we can lose sight of this and begin competing against our spouse instead of alongside our spouse. It is so important to recognize your spouse is on the same team as you.
This hits close to home because we are Bruins. For anyone living under a rock, that is UCLA. We met there. Chad ran track, in these little hot shorts that still fit him to this day, and I played soccer at UCLA. We played sports our entire lives, so teamwork is literally ingrained in us. We even joked about singing the fight song, with a rendition that might get us kicked out of the alumni group.
Here is what is interesting. At UCLA we wore uniforms, so it was very clear who was on your team. In marriage, we can lose sight of who our teammates are pretty quickly. We work with couples where one spouse is on the same team as their work and the other is not, or one is on the same team as the kids, which is a different team than the other spouse. Early in our marriage we literally raced to make the bed against each other, as if only one of us could win. It was lighthearted, though there may or may not have been pillows thrown across the room to make the bed first. The idea of being on the same team sounds easy, but it requires awareness in different seasons to recognize whether we are approaching things as a team, or in a way where one wins and one loses.
When you think teammate, it changes everything. The primary facet of Hope Relentless is that you are teammates. A lot of couples gravitate toward it because it is revolutionary to realize it is not me versus Chad, or them versus their spouse. They are wearing the same jersey. Sometimes at the start of sessions I will tell couples to find something they can both have to look to during our time together, the same item, whether a wristband or a fake tattoo or even a real one, to remind them they are on the same team.
It fundamentally changes how we approach the day to day. Our sons play sports now, and we spend more time as cheerleaders on the sideline than as athletes on the field. When they play, you recognize there is an opponent trying to beat you, so you are not surprised by challenges. Last week we talked about whether marriage should take work. Of course it does. But when we are on the same team, how we respond to challenges and to an opponent should show up as a teammate. When a coach calls a timeout, the team meets and comes up with a game plan so they are all on the same page. Unity commands a blessing. When we are unified about what we are trying to accomplish, it makes a huge impact on moving forward together as a unit.
We want to talk about some of the strengths of being a teammate. One is that you can do more together. Chad ran an individual race but practiced with a team. For me, playing soccer, going through something hard together, a game or a championship, made us feel closer, because you fight and grind together and take personal responsibility to show up your best knowing your team is counting on you. In marriage it is the same. It is crucial to take personal responsibility for what we bring, including getting help for the internal, mental, and emotional things, because our teammate is counting on us to do what only we can do, which is grow and heal.
A simple example: when we unload the groceries together it is easier and faster. Now imagine the impact on much bigger areas, raising kids, building a business, impacting your community. God has given each of us different strengths and talents. When we work together, you get to operate in your strengths and I get to operate in mine, and they are often different, like different positions on a team. That is one of the benefits of viewing your marriage as a team.
The exciting thing about a team is that there is always opportunity to grow. A team is made up of individuals, and even if a season does not finish well, even if the marriage is in a hard season, there is always hope to grow and learn new things. It is not about our failures or even our successes, it is about the process, about being consistent and recognizing it takes intentionality and growth.
A simple question we can all ask is, how can I be the best teammate I can be? Encouragement creates a positive environment. A teammate who works hard and looks like they care makes a difference, and one who does not put in effort is frustrating. So a powerful action step is to consider how you can be a better teammate and implement it in your marriage and family.
Being a teammate can also be challenging. Teams lose games. There are moments where the result is disappointing, maybe your attitude, how you responded, or not showing up to bring strength and leadership. So there has to be an environment of grace, recognizing we will make mistakes and our spouse will too. When the team suffers a loss, you rally instead of having a negative attitude and quitting. You reassess and ask what went wrong and what was my part. We tend to point fingers, like our sons saying we lost because someone missed the goal, but a good teammate looks internally and asks how I could have shown up better. There is also a dynamic where sometimes you need to do more than your part. We all have off games and off days, and the teammate having a regular game needs to come alongside and encourage and say, I see you, I got you, and I am still going to bring my A game. In marriage we often say if you do not treat me well, I will not treat you well, but a team would not say if one person is off their game, I am going to play badly too.
Maybe the concept is not just a team but a championship team. If your marriage were a championship team, what would it look like? There are teams that lose and do not get better, and that is not what we want to mimic. Sometimes couples have both drawn a line in the sand, I am doing my share and they are not, and it turns into a blame game. A championship team recognizes it is not just about me doing my share and them doing theirs. The ideal is everyone showing up at their best at the same time, but injuries and sickness happen, and in life other things distract us. This is where championship teams have a next-person-up mindset. When one is having an off day, the other steps up. For us the pendulum swings, where one of us manages more of the household and then it adjusts and the other does. Marriages get tripped up when we focus so much on our individual self and what we want that we lose sight of how we are impacting the team.
Communication is important here. A team has positions, responsibilities, and roles. If we do not communicate, we might both go to the store, or operate in things that are not our gifts. When we communicate, we position ourselves well and get into agreement, and there is power in agreement.
Let me transition to action steps. First, dialogue with your spouse about what it looks like to be a championship team for your family, which will highlight values and targets. Second, teams have a mission, so find a target you are working toward together to create common language and direction. There was a season where we moved out of LA to Arizona, had career transitions, and accumulated some debt we did not want. We got on the same page to live lean and put everything above our basic needs toward the debt, and because there was agreement, accomplishing it was fun and we celebrated, then moved toward a new goal of saving a down payment for a house. Third, enjoy the journey. A team goes up and falls behind but keeps moving forward, so enjoy the process and find little things to celebrate.
I want to end with what we tell our boys about their teams and competition: focus on three things, have a good attitude, encourage your teammates, and try your hardest. Those sum up much of what we talked about. Enjoy the team you are on. You are on an adventure with this person you get to explore and enjoy life with. Encourage one another and celebrate the small moments and the large ones. And remember, no matter where you are in your marriage, there is always, always hope.