The Blueprint for a Phenomenal Marriage

Wouldn't it be nice if marriage came with instructions, something that actually told us how to stay married and enjoy it? We say "I do" without truly knowing what we, or our spouse, will do once the honeymoon stage wears off. No one quite prepares us for building a life with another person in the middle of all of life's uncertainty. If you are engaged or newly married, that early preparation is exactly what premarital counseling is built for.

Here is what we have learned: the biggest impact on a marriage is not your spouse, it is the blueprint the two of you follow. By blueprint we mean the plan. What do you do when tragedy strikes, because it will? When there are health scares, job loss, big transitions? A blueprint sets the atmosphere and the course, and it is something you come back to again and again. Ours has five parts: foundation, personal responsibility, unity, humility, and love and respect.

Key takeaways

• You are following a blueprint already. The only question is whether it is on purpose.
• Foundation sets the lens. What anchors you shapes how you see your spouse on the hard days.
• Personal responsibility and unity work together. Owning your part is what lets unity grow.
• Humility and love and respect set the atmosphere. They make the home safe enough to grow in.

Foundation

Something has to anchor you. For our family, it is Jesus. A relationship with Him and the wisdom of Scripture is what we stand on regardless of how we feel on a given day. What is the foundation under your marriage? We all have one, even if it is lying dormant or has never been named out loud. Your foundation is your core values, what you stand for as an individual and, hopefully, as a couple, and it shapes the lens you use to view your spouse in the not so amazing moments. A firm foundation is what holds a marriage steady when the feelings are not there.

Personal Responsibility

Early in marriage it is easy to hand off responsibilities to your spouse, things they never actually agreed to carry, just because they are your spouse. Or we avoid responsibility entirely, assuming they will cover it for us. Neither builds a healthy dynamic. Taking personal responsibility does. Your ideas, your health, that habit you keep avoiding, your goals, your gifts: own all of it. The power couple shows up when both people live fully in their own lives and feel encouraged and supported by the other along the way. We dig into this whole mindset in the power of personal responsibility in marriage.

Unity

Personal responsibility and unity often seem to clash, as if they cannot coexist, when in reality they work together. When each of you takes ownership, the unity in your marriage gets stronger. Unity is a choice, not a feeling. It is a decision to stay on the same page, whether that is parenting, boundaries, money, or intimacy. It takes intentionality to keep it at the forefront. Unity says you are a united front, and that your marriage does not have to look like anyone else's as long as the two of you are in agreement about how yours works.

Unity is a choice, not a feeling. Coach Sarah-Gayle

Humility

You can usually detect humility by the atmosphere a marriage has created. Humility keeps company with peace, grace, and mercy, and it actually takes confidence to be humble. When you know who you are and where your value and identity are found, humility becomes a way of life. Jesus knew who He was, so when He washed His disciples' feet there was no pride issue and no expectation of the favor being returned. Humility breaks down walls and creates a safe place for mistakes to happen and learning to occur. It asks honest questions: Are you teachable? Will you serve your spouse? Will you hold your tongue? Will you fight for unity instead of fighting to be right?

Love and Respect

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Love and respect go hand in hand, and both need to be in great supply for a marriage to grow. The stereotype says men want respect and women want love, but the truth is we all long for both. Notice the verse does not ask whether your spouse has earned it. Love and respect are given as a response to what God asks of us and in faith for what they will create. They are also contagious: love and respect beget more love and respect. If you want a practical place to start, we made a whole list of ideas in love and respect is oxygen to a marriage.

Key scriptures

Your next step this week

Name your blueprint out loud together. Pick the one pillar that feels weakest right now and choose a single small action to strengthen it this week. You do not have to build the whole house at once, just lay one good brick. If you want a guide while you build it, we offer Christian marriage counseling in Arizona and online marriage counseling wherever you are.

Reflection questions for you and your spouse

1. What is the foundation our marriage is actually standing on right now?
2. Where am I deferring responsibility that is really mine to carry?
3. Are we choosing unity on purpose, or waiting to feel united?
4. Which pillar, foundation, responsibility, unity, humility, or love and respect, needs the most attention this season?

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Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle

There's always, always hope.