Why Am I Always the One Who Brings Things Up?

Chad: Today we want to address a common pattern that so many couples experience. It is this idea of what do you do when you feel like you are the only person that brings stuff up. This is such a common frustration for so many couples. We want you to feel seen and heard, and we also want you to know you are not alone. The good news is, if you went to a doctor and they said, wow, I have worked with this over and over, there would be a sense of hope there. They are not just trying to wing it. Whatever I am dealing with is not a mystery. So today we are going to share a couple of steps that support hundreds of other couples navigating this same tension. Babe, why do not you get us started with what supports couples here?

Sarah-Gayle: Yeah, so we are going to address the one who feels like, I am always the one bringing things up, and we are also going to address the one who might feel like, my spouse is always bringing things up to me, because we interact differently depending on who we are. We are going to look at three different areas. The first is awareness, the next is perspective, and the last one is the how. How do we have the conversation? If you are the person who typically brings something up, and in our marriage that is usually me, I want you to be a little introspective. Sometimes we bring things up just because they are top of mind, and we do not really know the why behind it. What am I actually wanting from my spouse? We start sharing without bringing clarity on what we are really hoping for. Some introspection goes a long way. It also helps to recognize what we are focusing on. If we are constantly bringing up things we do not like about our spouse, it is worth asking, what am I fixing my eyes on? I think of that scripture in Philippians, whatever is true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on such things. If we are constantly bringing up negative things, that means we are not focused on all of those good things, and that can be draining if it continues.

Chad: I want to talk about the awareness on the person who is the receiver. In our marriage, that is me, at least more often than not. For me it is being aware of how I am responding or reacting. Early on, my more unhealthy pattern was to be highly defensive. Sarah-Gayle would bring something up and I would have an explanation or a defense ready, and that grows the gap between us. So my focus on awareness is how am I showing up. If I show up as someone who wants to close the gap, that is good. If I am showing up very differently than that, then my awareness helps me take a step toward you. Part of awareness is identifying how I take a step toward my spouse, because ultimately we are on the same team. The sooner we approach a topic as teammates instead of opponents, the more it changes. And if I feel like I am on trial, like I am in a courtroom, it spikes that defensive response even more. That is something I can take ownership of.

Sarah-Gayle: Moving on to perspective. If I am the one bringing something up consistently, it is helpful to pause and recognize that my spouse has a different perspective than I do, because we are different people. We do not see through the same lens. This is significant, because if I recognize they just have a different perspective, then I do not assume they are not bringing things up because they do not care. I hear this a lot. It is, well, I am the one who always has to bring something up, they see we have a problem, yet they do not say anything, so they must not care. When we recognize they just have a different perspective, they do not need to qualify themselves to us, but we can always be assertive and bring it up if it is on our mind.

Chad: For so many couples, this perspective piece is not just the frustration, it is the judgment attached to the assumption of what their spouse's perspective is. It is not that you do not bring stuff up, it is that you see there is a problem and my narrative is that you do not even care. That stacks, and it amplifies the hurt to something even bigger. Often the other spouse is not matching that same intensity, and then they end up off topic, because now they are defending, that is not what I think, that is not what I feel. And they miss each other. Your perspective matters, and so does your spouse's. I love the visual of a Venn diagram, two unique circles with some overlap. Depending on the topic there may be very little overlap. Where couples create extra tension is when they focus on the parts of the circles that are furthest apart. Is there some overlap? On most topics there is some overlap couples can find. One of my favorite phrases is the both/and. Sarah-Gayle shares her perspective, I share mine, and we look for the overlap. Sometimes our conflict comes when I forget that we are different and just assume we will be on the same page, and then we are not, and I am caught off guard. That means I lost sight that we are different people who will have different perspectives.

Sarah-Gayle: And when we see being different people as negative, we start focusing on the negative. There is so much good in a relationship. What are we choosing to focus on?

Chad: Most of the time there is something we can be grateful for and something we can be critical about. It comes down to which one I am choosing to highlight. I was working with a couple getting marriage coaching to work on communication and connection, and all the wife could talk about was that he did not do it earlier. My heart goes out to her, she has wanted support for years, and now they are finally here, but she is stuck on the fact that they did not do it sooner. There is a wall we are working to lower so they can just show up and do the work. This is something in our humanity we all wrestle with, this desire for things to have been done differently. When we go back to perspective, it is about creating space for each other.

Sarah-Gayle: When we first start working with couples, we often read a paragraph focused on empathy. It says something like, just like you, your spouse has hopes and dreams they still long to pursue. Just like you, your spouse wants to be loved and respected. It is a powerful moment, because it helps them recognize that their spouse is so similar to them. The very essence of what I am wanting and craving, they feel the same way.

Chad: A lot of us want very similar things, we just express them differently. This is why perspective matters. We can reach agreement, but not if I insist you express your desire the way I express mine. The both/and supports us here.

Sarah-Gayle: The last thing I will say on perspective. Many couples who initiate will bring something up and expect that because they brought it up, it needs to be done their way. You can see it in sessions, it is pretty rigid, like, I said this mattered to me, so why was it not done. This goes back to perspective. As strongly as you feel about something, your spouse could feel the complete opposite. And then it goes back to teamwork. We need to work as a team to figure out where we will land. There is a scripture in Romans 12:10, be devoted to one another in love, honor one another above yourself. That is what we face in marriage because of our different perspectives, and we are left with surrender and obedience to Christ. It is not about me fighting to get what I want. Just because I put a target out there, we are going to work as a team.

Chad: To recap where we are, when one person feels the burden or loneliness of bringing things up, we talked about awareness, recognizing the pattern and how I can take a step toward my spouse. The second was perspective, am I creating space for my spouse's perspective in a meaningful way. The third is the how. These are guides and support, not laws. Our how can be helpful or hurtful, two polar opposites. The more we step into helpful, the easier it is to work together.

Sarah-Gayle: As a person prone to bring things up consistently, I do not want to villainize us, because bringing something up is proactive. That is one of our mindsets at Hope Relentless, proactive versus reactive. So well done. But how we bring up the issues is so significant, that is everything. When you look at research, it is all about how couples bring things up. It might feel a little rigid or unnatural at first, and that is okay, because it means we are considering how to approach someone who is completely different from us. That requires some tact. We cannot just say what we want, when we want, how we want.

Chad: On a practical level, the first thing that supports the how is ownership. This is why in almost all communication studies you hear about the power of an I-statement and personal responsibility. It is sharing my thoughts and feelings while taking ownership for myself. Another is a positive target. If you approach your spouse with ownership and something that moves forward in a positive way, it consistently supports operating as teammates.

Sarah-Gayle: Something super impactful for us and our couples is a check-in. We just check in, hey, is this a good time to talk to you about the kids and their school. We do not just jump into the conversation, because they might not be in a place to be present for it. Often we start talking and do not realize they are literally not listening. It is not malicious, they do not even know the conversation is happening. I tell couples to make sure they are making eye contact when they bring something up, because a lot of times we just say stuff out into the open and think they hear it, but they do not.

Chad: Especially today, with so many screens, we are distracted a lot. If someone tries to share something but did not actually grab the other person's attention, they are just half there. Another thing on the how, we have seen couples have great success creating parts within their week that are the check-in. Hey, we are going to try to check in on Sunday afternoons, to celebrate, but also to bring up anything that feels unresolved, anything that got dismissed on a busy Thursday night, when now we have the space. I think about a business setting. Businesses are famous for creating meetings with purpose, with an agenda, so you know who to invite and what we are trying to accomplish. If we bring some of those principles into our conversations, we reap the benefit, who needs to be a part, what is the goal. It makes it easier to operate as teammates. I also want to talk about the how from the perspective of the responder. My unhealthy how is defensiveness. So I need a better target. If Sarah-Gayle brings something up, I need to shift my mindset to an attitude of gratitude, that a spouse who brings something up is creating an opportunity to come back together where we have become divided or not in alignment.

Sarah-Gayle: Because otherwise I just hold it in. If I do not feel like there is space for me to bring something up, it builds and builds and there is a greater disconnect.

Chad: Or I villainize you, I position you as the nag. We are not going to have a good conversation if my undertone is that my wife is a critical nag and her undertone is that I am a passive, disengaged husband. I want my wife to feel heard. So my how is, how do I acknowledge what she brought up, how do I recognize her voice might be the thing that helps us get back into alignment. So much of our communication comes down to our heart posture. And in full transparency, this is where our individual faith has a significant impact. When I spend time with God, I show up more equipped to be a better spouse, because I am not having to pretend to be kind or patient. The fruit of the Spirit starts to overflow and I am those things. So if my wife brings something up, it shapes the way I respond, and I do not have to try so hard.

Sarah-Gayle: With that, it is an understanding that all the conversations in our marriage will not be roses and sunshine. There are going to be things your spouse is not pleased with. This goes into how we are communicating those things. But if your spouse feels they can come to you with difficult emotions, especially using that I-statement, where we are not blaming or criticizing, that is amazing. It speaks to the maturity and depth of your relationship, because it means you can talk about hard things and still end up on the other side together as a flourishing team. At the end of those tough conversations you will have a deeper awareness of where your spouse is and what would help. There are skills, and as you apply the things we are talking about, you can have that hard conversation. Recognize, this is a hard conversation, let's go, because at the end of it we are going to get closer.

Chad: I loved that you said the word skills. As people, we develop skills in different areas of our life constantly, most commonly professionally. It is so important to do that in our marriage and our communication. How am I doing in my skills to bring something up, and to respond. These are learned skills. So if the current pattern is hurtful, the good news is it does not have to stay that way. This is part of the work we do at Hope Relentless, coming alongside couples to help them develop these core skills with safety, support, and progress. Sometimes the solution is, I need to mature, because I want a more mature fruit.

Sarah-Gayle: We reap what we sow. If we want the good and the connection, we sow things that promote the good and the connection. Speaking of skills, when it comes to how we engage, it is important for the person receiving the conversation to validate. We have talked about validation, reflecting back, making sure you are tracking with your partner. That is part of the how, rather than defensiveness. What has been helpful for us is when Chad is present and does not have an agenda to respond, but just to make sure, am I getting what you are saying. The last part, for the proactive one who brings something up to check in, if it is not a good time, your spouse can say no, and that is great. We do not want to force a conversation. But then, when is a good time, and let's make sure we come back and have it. With many couples, they have the first part, it is not a good time, but then they never come back. That breaks trust in the rhythm. If I say let's pause and come back later, and we never come back, I am going to be less likely to want that next time. When we force conversations, you already know what happens. So let's come up with a plan, you are a team, you can figure these things out. Be consistent with it.

Chad: The last thing before we close is building a rhythm of celebrating the baby steps. Wherever you are, there is an opportunity for growth, but we do not go from a weakness to a strength overnight. Maybe your confidence in bringing up difficult topics is a two out of ten. Maybe you feel alone and fatigued and perceived as a nag, when really you just want to get in alignment. As you go through this journey with your spouse, celebrate the little things. Maybe a conversation usually falls apart instantly, and now you make it five or ten minutes. It may seem like a joke, but celebrate that, we got further. We want to create an environment where progress is celebrated, because then we both have an interest in continuing to grow. If I make a lot of effort and Sarah-Gayle still criticizes me, I can create a false narrative that what I do does not matter. Celebration reinforces for both of us that our growth matters and that we see it. When couples create that environment together, they both have a natural desire to keep learning, and that unlocks everything. They do not get there overnight, but they start to see the possibilities, and that is what I love, when couples turn that corner.

Sarah-Gayle: What goes hand in hand with that is perseverance. Do not give up. You have what it takes. You can figure out what works for your relationship. You are not going to be perfect, you are not robots, so when you mess up, and you will, do not give up. Get back up, keep trying. You are on the same team. See your partner as an asset, as your greatest resource. They are not the enemy. And celebrate, just like Chad was saying. As always, we are cheering you on.