Breaking the Blame Game: How Personal Responsibility Builds a Stronger Marriage

Sarah-Gayle: Hey there and welcome to the Hope Relentless Marriage podcast. Chad and Sarah-Gayle here, and we are honored that you are tuning in. It is incredible, truly, because you are changing the world when you tune in. I say it all the time, and I am going to keep saying it, that when you resource your marriage, it impacts your family, and families impact communities, and communities impact the world. That is how we change the world, one marriage at a time.

Chad: That's right, world changers, it is so good to be with you today. Today we are going to talk about the importance of personal responsibility. At Hope Relentless, when we work with couples, we have tools around communication and tools around connection, but at the end of the day, Sarah-Gayle and I talk about how important personal responsibility is. Sometimes it is about being honest with our humanity. When I am tired, to keep it real, it is so much easier to just blame Sarah-Gayle. If she would just do this, or if she would just do that. The blame game, in the short term, releases us from being responsible. It releases me from having to apologize or take action or serve or contribute.

Chad: So I think it is important to be honest with ourselves that in the short term the blame game has a benefit, and that is that your spouse is the problem. The challenge is that while it might feel good to release ourselves of responsibility in the short term, it does not provide the solution. What we want to talk about today is that when we feel stuck in our marriage, personal responsibility is often the solution that helps our marriage get unstuck. We move away from "if they would just" and into the question of how can I make a difference, how can I contribute, how can I add value to this area of our marriage. When we start asking different questions, we start getting different answers, and it gives us clarity on how we can make an impact.

Sarah-Gayle: This is so important. It was funny, Chad, because we are talking about world changers and resourcing our marriage, and then it is like, today we are going to talk about personal responsibility, and it felt like a wah wah. But it is so important, and it can actually be exciting when you realize you do not have to be a victim. You do not have to sit back with nothing to do. There are things you can actually do that impact the situation. We are going to talk about a lot of "they" statements. The first one is, they made me so mad that I responded the way I responded, so they deserved it because they pushed me to the edge and I snapped. We hear this all the time, because a lot of times we feel justified. If someone is criticizing us, being rude, cussing at us, what are we supposed to do except cuss back and criticize back? It gets to a place where we excuse ourselves from acting any other way than a response that is equally combative and equally hurtful as the one that provoked us.

Sarah-Gayle: I want to give an alternative. It is a recognition that if we perpetuate this cycle of negative language and just say, well, they made me do it, that is the opposite of taking personal responsibility. We have all heard that we cannot control how people treat us, but we can control our attitude toward it. It is not an exciting thing, but it is true. We can truly control our attitude. With this first "they," they spoke to me this way so they made me do it, we can control how we respond. Research shows it is crucial. John Gottman did a lot of research around communication, and one of the things he talks about is that how we talk to each other is everything. It is not a matter of how many times you get in an argument. It is whether, when we are in these disagreements, we are still being respectful. Is our tone of voice calm? Are we making eye contact? Are the words we use edifying instead of tearing down? How we talk to each other has to be something we hold ourselves accountable to, regardless of what was said to us, because the only way to break that negative pattern is to start doing something different.

Chad: You mentioned Gottman, and they talk about the five to one, positive words to negative words. One of the things we try to teach couples is the four horsemen, to identify the things that complicate communication. Quickly, the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John and Julie Gottman created this terminology and have done incredible work. The dynamic I try to get couples to understand is that even when your spouse is critical, you do not have to be defensive. You do not have to be critical back. When we take ownership over how we respond, the big-picture question becomes, how do we make our contribution less reactive and more proactive. The whole idea of "I am justified because I am reacting to what they did" keeps us stuck. A more proactive, intentional involvement with our spouse gets us to a healthier place.

Chad: Another one that comes up a lot is, if they do not give me what I want, I will not give them what they want. This comes up a lot in intimacy. Stereotypically, and this is not always the case, women often feel connected when there is high emotional intimacy, and then they are more likely to want physical intimacy. For some men it is the opposite. So there is low intimacy on both sides, and both people wait, feeling justified, demanding the other go first in a transaction. In our marriage we want to stay away from transactional interactions, because once somebody does not do their part, the whole thing falls apart. I was in a business masterclass where the idea of transformative relationships came up around networking. The idea was that when two people come together in a transformative relationship, they both experience and create more than they ever could on their own. Transactional gets you exactly what you pay for, so the only way to get more is to pay more. That is not what we want in our marriages. In the vein of personal responsibility, I am not thinking, if Sarah-Gayle would just have a transformative attitude. It is, how do I contribute to a transformative attitude? How do I add value so that my marriage is better because of what I am doing day to day?

Sarah-Gayle: That is so good, and it is a hard pill to swallow, because sometimes we want the satisfaction of saying, you did this, or you did not do this, I am mad because of you. But in reality, as we grow our marriage, that does not serve us, and it does not serve the relationship to cast blame and keep the transaction going. If you feel like you need that satisfaction of throwing the other person under the bus, that is something to look at personally, because sometimes there is healing and forgiveness that needs to happen first. Sometimes our hearts are so hardened that we say, oh heck no, I am not taking any responsibility. That is detrimental, because to move forward we have to heal those things and address them. We cannot build on a foundation that is no good.

Sarah-Gayle: The next thing I wanted to bring up is the five love languages. A lot of times we share how we receive love, to give our spouse practical ways to love and respect us. The challenge is that we have this conversation, we are excited, and then it does not happen, or it happens for a little while and tapers off. I have seen near divorces and separations from this exact thing, where someone says, we have talked about it ad nauseam and nothing changes, and because they are not loving me the way I said I needed, we are done. The challenge is that we jump to the assumption that they must not care. We say, you do not care, because if you did, you would do this. But we are assuming, instead of walking with them and asking, how can we grow this, how can we make it better, who can hold us accountable. We want to learn our spouse's heart. Do they really not care, or is there something different going on? Rather than assume, we want to have the conversation.

Chad: I like this word, even though in the past you have not liked it. We want to avoid transactional, because that is where love languages break down. His love language was words, so I wrote him a note, and the next day another note, and he never did any of mine. Or, my love language is physical touch and she never touches me, so I will not either. We weaponize it. We take an opportunity to make meaningful deposits and turn it into something else. The love languages are powerful for understanding how to love each other well in a language they understand. The other side is when we weaponize it. The defining characteristic is personal responsibility. Am I thinking about how I can demonstrate my spouse's love language, or about what they owe me? That is the dynamic.

Chad: Here is another area, "they should know." Some of the most critical judgments we make are "they should" or "they could." It is a judgment on what we think they should have done. You say it all the time, say what you mean and mean what you say. Instead of "they should know," it is, did I communicate clearly, did I share my intentions? It is constant personal reflection on how I bring value. We have all heard that hurting people hurt people. Let's say that is true. If I hurt you, and you are justified hurting me back, now I am hurt again. What breaks my heart working with couples is that you can see the path they are on, the assumptions, the transactions, the "they deserve it." When couples make a simple shift, it transforms their relationship quickly. I had one couple where the husband kept everything in his head and lost track of what he shared with his wife versus what he just thought about. They had a massive argument because he was convinced he had said something, and she said it never happened. Then he had an epiphany and realized he never said it. Now he is intentional about saying what he means and proactively communicating in the positive. It completely transformed their communication, because they are talking about the tangibles instead of the intangibles.

Sarah-Gayle: I have to share this, because it comes up consistently. Picture a mom holding a baby, trying to get the dishes done and work on dinner. The husband walks in from a long day and sits on the couch, and now they are fighting, but no words were said. Stereotypically the wife thinks, he should know, he walked in, he has eyes, he can see me doing all this. There goes the assumption, he just must not care. But in reality he might be thinking, I just got home from a long day, there was a lot going on, and now she is upset, and she should know I work hard and was up at three in the morning. All of this is solved with communication. Hey babe, do you mind helping me with dinner while I am doing dishes? It is a simple ask. If it goes south after that, then we have different things to talk about, but let's do the first step. Rather than assuming and saying they should, let's take the initiative and put the ask out there.

Chad: Can I jump in before you start the next one? The biggest challenge when we blame and accuse is that in a lot of these scenarios we are right. I was rude. You were late. The challenge is those do not bring the solution we want. If he did what you said, you would not be nagging, because it would be done. Somewhere in life we elevated the concept that being right translates to creating what we want. It just does not, especially in marriage. The fastest way to destroy a marriage is for both people to be focused on being right all the time, because it erodes the relational trust and deposits.

Sarah-Gayle: So there we go again, justifying that we are doing something because of them. We talked on a prior podcast about expectations and getting clarity. One of the big things we miss in marriage is the details. Let's say I said, I would love it if you could help with the dishes, and I leave it at that, and you say, yeah babe, I got you. So many things can go wrong, because I did not say what day, or when, or how often. We need the details when we agree on something. It helps if both partners ask, can you tell me more, what are you thinking, when are you thinking. Before we say yes, we want to know the cost and everything involved. When you find yourself in a frustrating place and you feel like you are going to start nagging, that can be a sign that we need to sit down and sift through the details to make sure we are on the same page.

Chad: It simplifies things. If you say, can you help with the dishes, and I respond with curiosity, maybe, but I have a meeting that will take about two hours, are you okay if I do them after that? You might say, yeah, I just want them done before dinner, or, so and so is coming in thirty minutes, I will take care of it. That timeline and detail helps us feel like we are on the same page so we can meet those requests in a meaningful way.

Sarah-Gayle: I want to end with the elephant in the room. Sometimes when it comes to taking personal responsibility and asking something of your spouse, the answer will be no. Hey, I could really use your help. No. And you already feel like you are drowning. That is a reality we have to be prepared for. This is where it is both/and. The hope is that they would be alert and see that you need help with the baby or the dishes. That is the hope, but there is no guarantee. So I see that as the icing on the cake. And the both/and, even when they say no to your ask for help, is to recognize you are not entitled to it. The hope is that they help, but the other side is that it is still you taking personal responsibility for what you asked for, and now for the fact that you are not getting that help right now. The best marriages help one another and look to serve, which we will talk about next podcast. But that is not always the reality in your marriage, so there is still personal responsibility. Okay, now what? I asked, I used my words, and it is not going to work out right now. How is my heart going to be impacted moving forward? Any thoughts on that, Chad?

Chad: Within the details, when we get a no, I think of what we teach with parenting, the idea of no same-day plans. If you ask me for help in this exact moment, I might already have a ripple effect of things in place. I might say no right now, but if I had better understanding of how I could support you, I could budget that in and plan the support appropriately. It is important that we do not just give up or make the assumption that because my spouse could not help in this moment, they do not want to help me. As people, we all have different roles and responsibilities. If I am walking out the door to pick up our kid from school and you ask me to do something real quick, no does not mean I do not support you. Personal responsibility puts us in a position to stay on the same team and to more consistently solve life's obstacles. Once we blame and accuse and fall into the "they," we lose a lot of potential solutions. We create more problems without creating solutions. Personal responsibility positions us as teammates to find solutions to life's obstacles. That is my hope and encouragement for couples listening, that they would find the hope that exists inside personal responsibility.

Sarah-Gayle: I think that was a fantastic ending, and I want to do what we always do, appreciation time. I encourage you listening to do this with your spouse, appreciate them daily and consistently. Appreciation time. Chad, I appreciate how you are willing to do things with me that maybe are not your first preference, like doing a Bible study together, and Marco Polo, and listening to all that I have to say on the Marco Polo. I know that is not typically your thing, but you do it, and you respond back, and it is so much fun for me. I appreciate you taking one for the team.

Chad: I do like Bible studies, by the way, in case anybody was wondering. I am going to take personal responsibility and say I like Bible studies. Thank you, babe. I appreciate that when we record these podcasts and I see them on my calendar, you come up with the outlines. You take what we do in working with couples and put it together in a way that is organized and thoughtful so we can share it. I know that at times prep is a thankless job, so I appreciate you doing that.

Sarah-Gayle: Thank you. It was an honor to hopefully speak encouragement and life into your marriage. I want you to know that regardless of where you are at, a low place or a high place, persevere and keep moving forward one step at a time, because there is always, always hope.