Your Marriage Is Getting the Leftovers

Chad: If somebody followed you around for a week or looked at your bank balance, would they think that you prioritize your marriage? Today we are looking at the mindset, I prioritize my marriage. So many things compete for our time, resources, and energy. One of the biggest areas of growth is a realignment where the marriage gets prioritized, taken off the back burner and put back in the forefront. This is not always just blocks of time, though we should see those. There is a level of intentionality we gain when we prioritize our marriage.

Sarah-Gayle: Right. We see it in our professions. Whatever we are great at, we prioritize. It is intentional, and we understand the work and consistency it takes. But when it comes to our marriages, we approach it differently. We almost expect the marriage to be great with minimal effort, and we give it the leftovers. That is common, and it impacts the intimacy and connection in the relationship.

Chad: One of our favorite couples to work with are leaders, business owners, high-capacity people who are crushing it in their profession. Yet they come to us asking, why am I thriving here but struggling at home? A lot of times it comes down to this mindset. We ask, show us how you are prioritizing your marriage, and often they go quiet. One of my favorite questions is, share your daily or weekly rhythm of connection. They look at each other. I asked one couple in March when their last date was. They said November. So there is some low-hanging fruit. When we prioritize the marriage, we see growth.

Sarah-Gayle: As followers of Christ we have a blueprint, and it is counterculture. Our marriage represents the relationship of Christ and His church. It is a big deal, a priority, and it is sacred.

Chad: I heard an illustration decades ago. When a husband and wife get married, it is like two pieces of paper glued together. They become one, and separating them is impossible. So there is an element of trusting God's plan and seeking Him through it. We are going to talk about the biggest obstacles competing against the marriage. But remember these are ideas. God created marriage and made two one. What it looks like in your marriage is yours. Do not fall into the comparison trap, which creates tension and judgment. Focus on what works for you as a couple. The goal is for your calendar, resources, and finances to reflect that your marriage is a priority and that you are operating as one.

Sarah-Gayle: I want to read Ephesians 5:31. A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. What God brought together, let no man separate. One analogy is two rivers. You start off independent and different, but when you marry and hold fast, the two become one body. Try to separate that body back into two rivers and it is impossible. There are three areas that hinder this in many couples. I worked with a highly successful couple, the man a go-getter, very high in his organization, well compensated, the wife able to stay home, with land and kids. They seemed to be doing well, but they reached out because they never saw each other and felt disconnected. He was a Christian man who thought God was blessing them because of his work. I challenged him: is God's standard of success the same as the world's?

Chad: If you are feeling disconnected, the mindset I prioritize my marriage is powerful. If there is no prioritization of the relationship but plenty for work, hobbies, and kids, then we make adjustments. Sarah-Gayle covered work. Another common one is family or in-laws. I worked with a young couple in their first couple of years, wondering if they were a good fit. Almost every source of tension was an outside source from in-law expectation. A big part of our work was building unity together and boundaries around that. The more we love our family and create clear boundaries, the more they adjust. Sometimes we have to be the thermostat, setting the temperature of what is okay. A lot of couples set a limit on visits, like a four-day limit, because after that families start stepping on toes. For this young couple, a big thing was clarifying what they shared with their families. They had complained and criticized their spouse to family, who then got upset on their behalf. You do not go back to your family of origin for safety to blame your spouse. They had to prioritize their unity. Over time the boundaries were not appreciated at first, but as they held fast, the family adjusted, and they enjoyed family without the drama.

Sarah-Gayle: This is a big, sensitive one. When you get married, things change with family, and that is okay. We are transitioning. You set a boundary, and typically they respect it, but sometimes they do not. The reality is, you gave it a chance. A boundary is not about blocking people out, it is about whether they will meet you where your boundary is. It requires grace, for the older generation to release their kids and for the younger to recognize we are changing the dynamic. Honor your mother and father, and also become one. I think about our almost-eighteen-year-old son. If he is on Chad's track, he will be married in three years, and I am already preparing myself not to meddle, to encourage them, recognizing that relationship has to change.

Chad: The third area is kids. So many families are all over the place because of kid schedules, dance, music, sports, clubs. Parents feel like unpaid Uber drivers. As a team, what does it look like to support our kids and still prioritize our marriage? If you block out space on the calendar and get there too exhausted to enjoy it, one, can we push through, because sometimes we find new momentum. But two, we need to manage our energy, so that when we get to time together, we can both be present. Long term, we work with couples in early empty nesting who have an uphill battle, because for fifteen or twenty years the relationship revolved around the kids. Now the kids are adults, and mom and dad sit side by side wondering what to talk about. That is the result of not prioritizing the marriage. Now is the next best time to start.

Sarah-Gayle: What kind of home are you creating, child-centered or is the marriage still the priority? I like to say we are the originals, the main event, because we are the ones who will be together as the kids grow up and leave. When we had our first little boy, I wanted to pour everything into him, and I knew it. So I created a group of other moms in a similar season. I wanted to steward the blessing of that life, but not at the cost of the blessing of my covenant relationship. We encouraged each other to seek God first, Matthew 6:33, and to love and respect our husbands, because the tendency was to pour all our attention into the little ones. I would do intentional things, like serving my husband his food first. The kids can wait. And we would watch each other's kids so couples could go on dates.

Chad: I love that. A lot of that community came out of our local church, which is also where we got a lot of free babysitters when we were young. That was crucial. It unlocked our ability to go on dates. I want to close with a couple of action items. First, reflect on the idea, I prioritize my marriage. What does that look like in this season? Invite God into it and ask Him to soften your heart or reveal what you are elevating too high. Second, find daily and weekly time to connect with your spouse. If we do not have a regular rhythm, the busyness of life fills up our calendar, energy, and resources.

Sarah-Gayle: I am excited for you to put those things in place. Remember, your spouse is your teammate, your biggest asset, your confidant, and you are better together. This relationship pours out into every other relationship. The places where we are succeeding become all the sweeter when we are connecting with our spouse. We are cheering you on.