The Intentional Marriage: Cultivating Connection

Sarah-Gayle: Hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast. My name is Sarah-Gayle, and I have my brilliant husband, Chad, joining us. We are thankful you are tuning in. Our hope is that you learn something that impacts your family, because it is a ripple effect. As you impact your family, your family impacts the community, and the community can change the world.

Chad: Today's topic is not the sexiest, but it is a common trait of healthy marriages: intentionality. When we work with couples, regardless of the season, intentionality is a key part of growth, understanding, and connection. We are going to explore how it plays a part in different areas of marriage and why it is crucial for healthy communication and connection.

Sarah-Gayle: We were on a walk this morning, excited about the boys getting to experience our church's summer camp. I went a bit negative, thinking they could be totally transformed, but then they come back to the same environment and schools, and over time they might end up the same as before.

Chad: I jumped in to validate that concern, which is reasonable. And the other side is, we need events and moments of inspiration. A youth camp, a more focused time with peers in an atmosphere of faith and fun. They will come back and need to keep being intentional to grow. The reality is this is true of every key area of life. I ate a meal yesterday, and it does not matter how good it was, I need to eat again today. My workouts last week do not matter for this week's focus. Couples fall into the trap of looking for one-off events to fix things, a conference, counseling, a retreat. All powerful, but when we get back, we need to apply what we learned day in and day out.

Sarah-Gayle: A transformative message or seminar can make you feel like you will never be the same, and then over time you go back to how you were. That can be discouraging. But it does not have to be that way if we are intentional to keep doing what we learned. We stop working out, we lose muscle. We stop applying what we learned in counseling, the arguments come back. The more we recognize that, the more diligent we can be. We want to talk about a few areas of intentionality: time, money, marriage growth, and filling each other's cups.

Sarah-Gayle: Start with time together. We need to be intentional about it. It does not just happen, our lives are busy. The consistency and the quality of that time is everything. A little, consistently, over time creates a life. And in the midst of consistent time, what is the quality? If we are consistently together but fighting through every conversation, that is not building the marriage. So the type of time, the questions, the connection, needs to be intentional.

Chad: A lot of couples watch shows together. Nothing wrong with that, but the deposit is limited, especially when one or both has a phone out. We are not even fully engaged. One thing we have been consistent on the last couple of years is taking turns planning dates. When somebody takes ownership, the intentionality is better than both of us casually showing up asking what we want to do, which usually ends in watching a show. When one of us plans, we are more likely to try a new experience or restaurant, or even conversation starters. Some of them are silly, some are great. It takes intentionality, one or both of us taking ownership of quality time, because it matters. Often couples in counseling have no time together, it is work, kids, family, entertainment, and they wonder why the relationship is struggling.

Sarah-Gayle: I was reminded of a date you planned at the putting range, the driving range. It was amazing. Very simple, but you had to think about it and plan it. That is what intentionality is. It does not have to be elaborate. I loved it because I knew you planned it. That adds to the intimacy and the quality of the time. Okay, so, money.

Sarah-Gayle: Money is another area. We do not have to serve money, but we need it to live and invest. It is important to be connected and on the same page with spending, and that goes into dreams and the future. What do you hope to do together, near and far? It usually involves finances. We spent a big season in competitive youth sports. It is important to step back and look at where the money is going, whether you are stewarding it well, and to have a plan as a couple you feel good about, so you are excited about where your finances are going rather than regretful.

Chad: I was thinking of money as it relates to marriage growth. The couples who experience incredible transformation take their two most valuable resources, time and money, and invest them into their marriage. They set aside time weekly. Some had not been on a date in months, and now they invest every week. And coaching costs money. So it is time and money invested into the marriage because it matters. Many of the couples we work with are in difficult spots, coming out of an affair, on the brink of divorce, a last-ditch effort, and even then we see them transform. Our passion is that people invest proactively, on the front end. We will put money toward youth sports, which is great, but the odds of little Johnny being the next Michael Jordan are limited. The return on investing in your marriage is significant. If our calendar and budget say nothing about the marriage being a priority, we should not be surprised it is struggling. There should be date nights, getaways, maybe coaching, even a twenty-dollar pack of conversation starters.

Sarah-Gayle: It brings joy into marriage. You bought us that adventure challenge date book, the scratch-off one. It spices it up so it is not monotonous. Let's do things that are different and exciting, because sometimes we forget as adults that we like to have fun. Marriage research shows that is crucial. Happy couples have more positive interactions than negative, and they fill their days with appreciation and planned fun, dreaming together. If your marriage feels like all task and business, take some time, get together, and put something on the calendar. I had a couple say it would be fun to get to a beach in California. We are in Arizona, so it was doable. We walked through what needed to happen, and within a month or two they were at the beach, after wanting it for years.

Chad: That intentionality. They knew what they wanted but were never intentional enough to put it on the calendar. There is another part of marriage that requires intentionality, and that is serving one another. We call it filling one another's cups, making an intentional positive deposit. The odds of feeling like rubbing your spouse's feet or giving a back rub might be low. But there are things our spouse appreciates that just require a servant's heart. If we wait until we feel like it, everybody is just waiting. One of my love languages is physical touch, so a neck rub or a hug means a lot, but it takes intentionality. Same with intimacy at times, depending on the busyness of life. These key areas require discipline, intentionality, and consistency, and the reward on the other side is so worth it.

Sarah-Gayle: We are not always going to feel like doing it, and that is okay. The more honest we are about that, the more we can get ourselves out of the way and focus on, what do I need to do to do it, because it is meaningful for my spouse. It is not about us in that moment. I do not naturally think about rubbing Chad's feet. So we figure out what helps us remember. I had a couple who put the things important to their spouse on their mouse pad, because they used it all day. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Chad: That goes counter to what some couples think, that it should be easy and natural. A healthy relationship is not by accident. We are different people, with different interests, likes, and tastes, and those are all okay. They just require intentionality to close the gap. If I am frustrated you never rub my feet but I never mentioned how much I appreciate it, that is not fair. There is an element of assertive, healthy communication, sharing what is important to us in I-statements.

Sarah-Gayle: I had a couple, and the husband was a romantic. He felt she should just know what he likes, walk into a room and be excited and give him a kiss. He outlined what in his mind would be a loving wife, and when it did not happen that way, he was disappointed and hurt. The relationship becomes dissatisfying when we think they should just know. If we tell them what we want and they do it, we think it does not count. But your spouse is a different person, coming in with their own schema, their own day. When we understand that, we have more grace. Telling our spouse how we like to be loved does not make it not count when they do it. It sets us up to experience a win.

Chad: One of the last things that supports intentionality is accountability. As parents of teenagers, we pray about who our boys hang out with, because of peer pressure, and we want positive peer pressure. Let's apply that to our marriages. It is about the environment and community we put ourselves in. If we surround ourselves with others who want to grow in their marriage, we will grow. If we surround ourselves with people who are dissatisfied or speak negatively about their spouse, that affects us. There is a quote that we become the average of the books we read and the five people we spend the most time with. We can change the trajectory of our marriage by changing what we listen to: podcasts, books, teachings, community. It takes intentionality. Our marriage is worth it.

Sarah-Gayle: Accountability moves intentionality from a thought or potential into action, where you are actually living the life you want. We see couples thrive because we hold them accountable every week. Your beach couple is an example, accountability got them to do what they had wanted to do for years. So some action steps: think about what accountability looks like for you, maybe a monthly checkpoint where you grade how you are doing on time together and date nights, or an accountability partner of the same sex who asks how you are showing up. And ask what areas you want to grow in.

Chad: Awesome. Appreciation time. Sarah-Gayle, one thing I appreciate is, well, you do the appreciation.

Sarah-Gayle: Appreciation time. Chad, one thing I appreciate about you is your positivity. On our walk this morning I went negative about the camp, and you are quick to recognize what I am saying but put a positive spin on it. You are happy and goofy, and it lifts the whole environment. I really appreciate that.

Chad: Thanks, babe. I had the opportunity to teach at our church recently, and I appreciate your support and encouragement. And you own our social calendar, so afterward we had incredible families over to hang out. That happens because of you. I appreciate your planning and inviting and making things happen.

Sarah-Gayle: Thank you for joining us on this podcast about intentionality. We hope you learned something you can apply. No matter what season you are in, low or high, there is always, always hope.