When You Feel Like You're Doing It All in Marriage (Part 2)
So you have the right attitude. You are trying to contribute instead of keep score. But you still feel overwhelmed, and you still need to talk about it. Now what?
In Part 1 we covered the attitude shift. This is the communication. Because reaching out to your teammate when you are carrying too much is exactly the right move, as long as you do it in a way that pulls you together instead of pushing you apart.
Prefer to watch or listen? Hit play above, then keep reading. This is Part 2 of a two-part conversation.
What this episode is about
Part 1 was the heart posture: teammates over opponents, contribution over keeping score. Part 2 is the skill set. When you still feel overwhelmed and need help, how do you actually say it so your spouse can hear it?
Sarah-Gayle and Chad walk through slowing down emotional communication, turning expectations into mutual agreements, and the two tools that change everything: assertive communication and active listening.
Key takeaways
- Not all communication is equal. The faster and more urgent it feels, the more often it goes sideways. Slow down.
- Move expectations to agreements. Notice the frustration, communicate it, seek agreement, and discuss the details.
- Assertive is not aggressive. It is naming what you want with ownership and an I-statement.
- Say what you do want. Converting "what I don't want" into "what I do want" gives your spouse a clear target.
- Use a soft startup. Check the timing, ease in, and lead with how you feel, not an accusation.
- Listen instead of defending. Assertive communication and active listening are the opposites of criticism and defensiveness.
Slow down before you speak
The feeling of doing it all is fueled by emotion. You see something undone that you think should be done, and the urge is to go talk to your spouse right now, while the feeling is hot. Resist it. Breathe. Take time to think about what you actually want to say, and check whether it is even a good time to bring it up. There is a misconception that if you feel it and think it, you have to say it immediately. Timing matters.
Here is the tell: not all communication is equal, and the faster and more urgent it feels, the more it tends to go destructive. When you notice yourself getting louder, interrupting, or talking over your spouse because what you have to say feels too important to wait, that is your sign that you are no longer communicating effectively. Slower, more intentional communication is almost always more effective.
Turn expectations into agreements
A lot of the "doing it all" feeling comes from expectations that never became agreements. There is a simple path. First, notice the frustration. That feeling is an alarm telling you that you want something different, and that is okay. Second, communicate it. Third, seek agreement. And fourth, discuss the details. That last step is where couples miss each other most. You might both think you are operating in your lanes, but the details were never clarified, and that misunderstanding is exactly why one of you feels like you are carrying more.
An I-statement gives your spouse a clear target to hit.
Be assertive, not aggressive
Assertive communication means you know what you want and you say it with ownership, in an I-statement, clearly and respectfully. It moves you out of victimhood ("nobody helps me") and into clarity ("I'd love for us to share the evening cleanup"). There is usually a situation, a feeling, an explanation, and a request. The hard part for most couples is that we are clear on what we do not want and stuck on naming what we do. "I don't want to wake up to a kitchen that looks like a bomb went off" becomes "I'd really appreciate us tackling the dishes together before bed." That gives your spouse a clear target to hit, which is the heart of healthy communication and connection.
Assertiveness is easier said than done, and a few things block it. Sometimes there is no safe space, so naming a desire feels like risking criticism. Sometimes we genuinely do not know what we want, because we have not slowed down to reflect, like the depleted mom who never names everything on her plate until she hits a breaking point and says something she regrets. And sometimes we do not believe what we feel even matters. Here is the beautiful part: both spouses can take ownership at once. One commits to being more assertive, the other commits to proactively creating a safe space, and the gap between you closes faster than you thought possible. The solution is never pointing fingers. It is ownership.
Soft startups and active listening
Dr. John Gottman's research names four communication habits found heavily in couples who divorce. Two of them matter most here. The first is criticism, which attacks character: "you always," "you never." Assertiveness is the opposite, because it owns a feeling instead of indicting a person. The antidote to criticism is a soft startup: check the timing, ease in with something like "can I talk to you about something?", and lead with an I-statement, "I feel overwhelmed when the evenings pile up, can we figure out a solution together?" Some people hear "soft startup" and think walking on eggshells, but really it is a question of respect. You could be right and still be destroying your marriage. A soft startup is just easier for anyone to receive.
The second horseman is defensiveness, which shows up as shifting blame or making excuses. Chad's old version was explaining his intentions, assuming that if Sarah-Gayle understood his heart, she would not be hurt. That is defending, not listening. The antidote is active listening: keep your spouse as the subject, and ask follow-up questions. "Tell me more about what overwhelmed means for you. Are there particular parts of the evening that feel heaviest?" Assertive communication and active listening are the exact opposites of criticism and defensiveness, and they take conflict from destructive to connecting. This is a skill that takes practice, but the payoff is real: same person, same marriage, a drastically different experience. A season of coaching or online marriage counseling can shorten that learning curve.
What gets in the way of speaking up
Assertive communication sounds simple, just say what you mean, but a few real things get in the way, and it helps to name them. Sometimes there is no safe space yet, so saying what you want feels like inviting criticism, and you would rather stay quiet than risk it. Sometimes you genuinely do not know what you want, because you have not slowed down long enough to figure it out. Picture the classic end-of-day scene: a mom doing pickup, the groceries, the dinner, and the dishes, until she hits a breaking point and says something she regrets, not because she is unkind, but because she never paused to name what she needed before the pressure boiled over. And sometimes, underneath it all, you do not really believe that what you feel and want even matters. That one runs deep, often back to how you were raised, where maybe you did not get a voice and assertiveness started to feel like being too much. These are worth bringing into the light, because you cannot ask for what you will not let yourself name. The encouraging part is that both spouses can take ownership at the same time. One commits to being a little more assertive, the other commits to proactively building a safe place to land, and the gap between you closes faster than either of you expected.
Conflict can actually build connection
Here is the bigger vision behind all of this. The goal was never a conflict-free marriage. Healthy couples still disagree. The goal is to take conflict from something destructive and turn it into something that actually builds the relationship. When you can raise a hard thing, stay assertive instead of critical, and listen instead of defending, a disagreement stops being a threat and starts becoming a doorway to connection, to clarity, and to a shared vision for where you are headed together. That is a skill, and like any skill it takes practice, so be patient with yourselves. We have watched the same two people, in the same marriage, end up in a drastically different place, not because their problems vanished, but because they learned to face them as teammates. That is the whole point of doing the work.
Want the full framework for hard conversations?
The Communication Loop is our four-step tool for raising what matters without it turning hurtful. It puts assertive communication and active listening into a simple, repeatable rhythm. Grab the free guide below.
Key scriptures
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Proverbs 15:1
This is the soft startup in one verse. How you begin a conversation largely decides where it goes.
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
James 1:19
The whole episode in a sentence. Slow down, listen first, and let your speech catch up to your listening.
"A person finds joy in giving an apt reply, and how good is a timely word!"
Proverbs 15:23
The right words at the wrong time still miss. Timing is part of saying it well.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up."
Ephesians 4:29
Even an honest complaint can be framed to build up rather than tear down. Choose the framing on purpose.
Your next step
This week, pick one frustration and bring it with a soft startup. Check the timing, ask to talk, and open with an I-statement and what you do want, not just what you do not. Then, when your spouse responds, ask one follow-up question instead of defending. That single exchange is the whole skill in miniature.
Questions to discuss together
- When I am frustrated, do I tend to speak right away, or do I slow down first?
- What is one expectation we have never actually turned into a clear agreement?
- Am I better at naming what I don't want or what I do want?
- Do I default to defending my intentions instead of asking a follow-up question?
- What is one thing my spouse could do to make this a safer space for me to be assertive?
Tired of the same conversation going sideways?
If you keep trying to talk about the load and it keeps blowing up, let's talk. One conversation. 30 minutes. You will know if it is a fit.
Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle
There's always, always hope.
About the authors
Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT holds a Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy and coaches Christian couples in communication and connection. She and Chad have been married more than 20 years and co-host the Hope Relentless podcast.
Chad Galbreath is an ordained minister and marriage coach. Alongside Sarah-Gayle, he has spent more than 15 years helping couples move from tension to teamwork through the Hope Relentless method. Chad and Sarah-Gayle are coaches, not licensed therapists.
Read the full episode transcript
Sarah-Gayle: Hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast. Chad and Sarah-Gayle here, and well done on investing in your relationship. You are resourcing your marriage, which makes a difference in the world. Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. Well done.
Chad: That's right, world changers. Today we continue the conversation we started last week, what to do when you feel like you're doing it all. If you missed Part 1, check it out. We talked about being on a team, teammates overcoming obstacles together rather than opponents, and contribution, focusing on what we add to the relationship rather than falling into a transactional dynamic of keeping records of right and wrong. Today we look at, okay, you still have the frustration or complaint, how do we communicate effectively? There are times we are overwhelmed and need help, and reaching out to your teammate to work on the solution together is exactly right. So today we talk about the communication that helps couples work together when one person feels like they are doing it all.
Sarah-Gayle: This is so relevant. If you have been married longer than a couple of days, you run into these feelings of, if I do this, shouldn't he or she be doing that? It might not be malicious, but it is important to have these conversations. A lot of times this area is fueled by emotion, because we see something undone that we think should be done, so we get emotional and want to communicate right then. What I tell couples is to breathe, slow down, and think about what you want to say. There is a misconception that if I feel it and think it, I need to say it right now. Timing is important. If it is not a good time, don't bring it up just because you feel like it.
Chad: Not all communication is equal, and how we communicate matters. The faster and more urgent the communication, the more often it goes sideways and becomes destructive. When I start talking louder, or feel the sudden need to interrupt or talk over you, that is a sign we are not communicating effectively. So when we share a frustration or feel overwhelmed, slower, more intentional communication is more effective. We want to look at two tools. The first is understanding expectations and moving them toward mutual agreements. The second is assertive communication and active listening. With expectations to agreements, there are about three steps, really four. First, the awareness that we are frustrated, that is the alarm telling us we want something different, and that is okay. Then, communicate it. Then, seek agreement. Then, discuss the details, and that third part is often where we miss each other. It could be that we both think we are operating in our lanes, but we misunderstood the details. But before that, how we communicate matters, so, babe, can you share about assertive communication?
Sarah-Gayle: The expectation sets the stage, because we have to know what we even want before we communicate assertively. Assertive communication means I know what I want and I communicate it taking ownership, in an I-statement, respectfully but clearly. My desire is whatever it is, like, I'd love for us to go on more dates. Usually there is a situation, a feeling, an explanation, and a request. Assertive communication is powerful because it takes us from victimhood, where he or she isn't doing this and nobody helps me, into a place where we use our words to express clearly what we want.
Chad: That phrase, what we are wanting, is important. When there is a frustration or complaint, couples get stuck on what they don't want, and turning that into what they do want is a hurdle, but once they turn that corner, it opens up new communication. The evening routine is a good example, it is the end of the day, people are tired, there is homework, bedtime, dinner, cleanup, and we enter it with different expectations. We are often aware of what we don't want, like waking up to a kitchen that looks like a bomb went off. Part of assertive communication is converting what we don't want into what we do want, holding the teammate perspective, and sharing in I-statements. I talk about it as giving your spouse a clear target. When you tell me what you want, you give me a target I can hit with clarity.
Sarah-Gayle: Assertive communication can be easier said than done. A few things can limit us. One is that we haven't created a safe space to have these conversations, so we fear that if we say what we want, we will be criticized or not accepted. Another is that we don't even know what we want, because we lack self-reflection. A typical example is a mom who does pickup, the grocery store, the cooking, and then finds herself frustrated when her husband comes home, even though he was at work. If she doesn't stop to recognize everything she has up in the air, what is depleting her, and where her breaking point is, then she goes off emotion and says some mean things, and it goes south. The last one is not knowing that what you feel and want matters. Sometimes we pull back and say we are not worth it. Some of that is self-esteem and upbringing, where we didn't have a voice and assertiveness feels like a bad word. We have to deal with those areas so we can actually be assertive.
Chad: On self-awareness, one thing that helps me recognize I am not being assertive is when I think you should already know. We have been together X years, so they should know Y. That is a sign assertiveness is needed. Another powerful question is to ask each other, anything I can support you with today, anything I can help with tonight? And you made an important point, sometimes the environment doesn't welcome assertiveness. What I love about marriage is that both people can make progress by taking ownership. One can own being more assertive, and the other can own being proactive in reaching out and creating a safe space for their spouse to feel heard and be assertive. When we both take ownership, the gap closes much faster. The solution isn't pointing fingers, it is ownership and contribution.
Sarah-Gayle: I'll mention John Gottman, because when we are assertive we might bump into the areas he talks about. Gottman's research names four things to stay away from, found in greater quantity in couples who divorce. The first is criticism, which speaks to character, you always do this, you never do that. Assertiveness is not criticism. Assertiveness is I feel, I want, with ownership. The way we combat criticism is with a soft startup, easing into the conversation rather than blurting what is on top of our mind. Some say, I don't want to walk on eggshells, but it is about perspective. Do you want a conversation that is better received, or do you just want to be right? You can be right and be destroying your marriage. A soft startup shows respect, because when we start a conversation we don't know what the other person has been through that day.
Chad: Can you give practical steps for a soft startup, say someone is overwhelmed with the evening responsibilities and wants help?
Sarah-Gayle: First, make sure it's a good time, a quick check-in, hey, can I talk to you about something? Then use I-statements, I feel overwhelmed when I'm doing this and this, can we talk about it and come up with a solution together? It is not about accusing, it is ownership. When we state our feelings that way, it creates a softening, because the other person is more likely to think, oh, they are feeling that way, they are not blaming me, and because I love this person, I want to help.
Chad: You broke down the power of I-statements versus you-statements. More often, you-statements step into that first horseman, criticism. Staying in the I felt, I would like, is assertive communication. Another horseman is defensiveness, and criticism feeds defensiveness, and the conversation goes sideways fast. Active listening is the alternative to defensiveness. Defensiveness is shifting blame and making excuses. This was a big one for me, I used to share my intentions, thinking if she understood my intentions she wouldn't be hurt, but really I was being defensive instead of asking follow-up questions. Active listening, in your example, is asking, can you share more about what it means for you to be overwhelmed, are there particular parts of the evening that feel heaviest? It keeps the person who raised the issue as the subject, and works toward a resolution as a team. Assertive communication and active listening are the exact opposites of criticism and defensiveness.
Sarah-Gayle: It's a game changer to be able to state that you're overwhelmed and have your spouse not take defense, but want to help and work together as a team. It's refreshing.
Chad: And these are skills that take time. In our careers we master skills over years, and communication with our spouse is the same. If we practice, apply, and stay curious about how healthy couples communicate, we might not fix it overnight, but we make progress. Same person, same marriage, a drastically different experience. That is what we get excited about, taking conflict from destructive to something that builds connection, vision, and togetherness as we face obstacles together.
Sarah-Gayle: Should I talk about the rest of the horsemen, or have people do the research? Criticism and defensiveness were the two most relevant here.
Chad: We'll cover the others in a different podcast. The Gottman Institute has incredible resources, so go check those out to learn more about these communication patterns. Let's transition to appreciation time. I think we forgot it last episode.
Sarah-Gayle: We did. Appreciation time. Chad, one thing I appreciate about you is your organization. Sometimes I resist it because I'm a little all over the place, but I value it, because we get things done and you keep us on track.
Chad: Thank you, babe. One thing I appreciate about you is kind of the opposite, your spontaneity. This is a classic example of learning to celebrate the opposites. Your, hey, let's go do something, keeps life fun and lets us enjoy experiences my organized self would have dismissed. Recently you were going to a concert with a friend who got sick, and you invited me to fill in, so we had a spontaneous date night. We also felt old when the band hadn't started by 10:30, but I appreciate your spontaneity.
Sarah-Gayle: Thank you. Feeling like you're doing it all can be very frustrating, so I want to encourage you, hopefully you grabbed something that helps, and have the conversation together with your spouse. And I want you to know that there is always, always hope.