Mindset and Marriage

Hello, Hope Relentless Marriage, this is Chad and Sarah-Gayle, and we are so glad you are joining us. We have some great topics in store today. Well done again on being here. It is incredible that you take the time, and we do not take it lightly, because anytime you tune in to a resource for your marriage it matters and makes a difference. Remember, marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. So when you grow your marriage, it is significant.

Today we want to talk about mindset, and it fits so much with that ripple effect, because mindset is on an individual level and it is so important to the health of our marriage. Webster defines mindset as a mental attitude or inclination, a fixed state of mind. When Hope Relentless counsels couples, one of the first things we ask is a simple question: do you believe your marriage can grow? That really lets us in on the mindset of the individuals and how much they believe they can overcome whatever obstacles they face. It is very difficult to work with someone who does not believe growth or change can happen, because whatever we fix our mind on, we will see things that support it. So today, how do we get our mindset in a place that serves the health and strength of our marriage?

So often we think about marriage and it is the other person's fault, and we are waiting for them to change so the marriage can be better. But at Hope Relentless we talk a lot about personal responsibility, and mindset is one of those things no one can change but you. Does mindset matter? Absolutely, it is the root of everything we do in marriage, and really in life. What we believe is what we gravitate toward. An example from John Gottman is a concept called assuming the best. If your spouse forgets to take out the trash, are you going to assume the best, maybe something came up last minute, or assume the worst, they are so lazy, this is what they always do, they do not care about what I care about. A lot of us have been in both scenarios.

The Gottman research goes deeper, because when we assume the worst, we say it is just who they are, they are lazy, and now we are looking at their character. That is what is toxic in marriage, when our mindset has decided our spouse is lazy and that speaks to their character. We have created a sentence for them, and they cannot change, at least in our mind, because we have already decided who they are. And the mindset becomes so important because in that trash example, when I am assuming the worst, somebody could take out the trash multiple days in a row, and the second they do not, that is what my mind fixes on and remembers.

When we work with couples, the terminology of always and never, those are super extreme and they are often cues or alarms. When we use always or never, it gives insight into our mindset around our spouse. Are those always and nevers negative and critical, or benefit of the doubt and encouraging? I still think always and never are unrealistic terms we should get away from in general. Think about sports, or any high-level industry, successful people have a mindset, a perspective, a belief that they can move the project forward, win the game, and even in defeat there is a mindset of progress and growth. That is so important.

For us as Christians, there is a scripture in Philippians that highlights this. Philippians 4 says, finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. In that moment God is almost begging us, be aware of what you think, find the good in every situation. That is so true in marriage, because this adventure has obstacles, but when we train ourselves to find the good in our spouse, we start to recognize it. I am a words-of-encouragement person, so when you encourage me, even if it feels silly, I like it, and I start to act in that manner, and it creates positive momentum so that when challenges come, they are easier to face because we have built momentum of being on the same team.

It reminds me that what we seek out in our spouse is what we will find. One of my marriage mentors, Debbie Ruben Forte, talked about being a seeker of the good. I asked her the secret to her long, fulfilling marriage, and she said, be a seeker of the good. I likened it to a Where's Waldo book. On a page full of images, you seek until you find Waldo in his red and white striped shirt. Being a seeker of the good with our spouse means we are looking for the things that are good, because we all know there are things that are not so good. I am not saying ignore everything and live with rose-colored glasses. We are big on personal responsibility, and when our spouse has glaring things to work on, the best scenario is that they take ownership. When we point the finger, withhold, and give ultimatums until they change, that does not go well and does not build a life-giving atmosphere. Our job is more to be a seeker of the good, to uplift and encourage, because it grows and creates an expectation that this is what we do here, we lift one another up, while relying on the other person to take ownership of what they need to grow.

It is so important because in an encouraging, positive environment, the interesting thing is it supports our spouse being more vulnerable. When I take ownership over an area I am struggling in, I am more willing to share it with you because I know the response will be encouragement and support. When we are critical, I withhold that information because I do not want to give my spouse another target to criticize. So when we think about growth and ownership and personal responsibility, mindset plays a key role in developing the environment we engage in daily. You can see it in couples who withhold or hide information, because whatever we isolate usually grows and increases in toxicity. But sharing what we struggle with in an open, encouraging environment unlocks something. The Bible talks about power in asking for forgiveness, in sharing our mistakes, there is freedom there. That is why mindset is so important, it creates an environment of support, encouragement, and growth that lets us break through on individual areas, which directly impacts our marriage.

This leads to personal stories. There were times my mindset clearly impacted my day-to-day enjoyment, because that is what it does, mindset can form your day in a negative or positive way. Early on, a lot of my examples relate to parenting. When the kids were younger and I was deciding about staying home or working, I had a negative mindset that believed you did not want me to stay home, because I did not get the affirmation I wanted. I carried that into a lot of conversations, and even when you said, no, no, that is not what I am saying, my mindset was so fixed I literally could not hear anything else. A positive example was believing we are on the same team in parenting. If Joshua or Micah comes to me and then goes to you, I know you will say, what did mom say, or, whatever mom said, because we are on the same team. I do not have to fear you will undermine me, and that mindset impacts a lot of our interactions.

For me, early on when the kids were young and I was working a lot, I enjoyed my work, but my mindset was that you wanted me home and preferred me present in the evenings. So sometimes I would not share what was going on with work, even if I was excited, or I would feel guilty about working later, because I believed you wanted work to end on time so I would be fully present at home. That mindset caused me to not share, when what you really wanted was to be part of my day and understand the projects I was working on. My actions and your words were saying include me, but my mindset said she does not want me to enjoy my work, so we completely missed each other until we broke through and realized, we are on the same team, my behavior is not matching what she has actually said, and that is a mindset issue. A positive area, it took me a while, but I like time by myself sometimes, and I used to feel like you wanted me around for everything. Recently you scheduled me to play golf with a good friend, and I woke up and it was just different, because I could enjoy it without guilt, recognizing Sarah-Gayle wants me to enjoy these things, there is no competing interest. I connected that morning of golf back to a positive attribution of our marriage, not just me being independent. It is amazing how a mindset around these things shapes how we define them. A lot of us want help with communication, but a lot of communication comes from mindset. We were missing each other because we had a wall in front of us, our mindset, not allowing the truth of what our spouse was even literally saying to penetrate our minds and hearts.

So mindset impacts what we believe about ourselves and about our spouse, everything is connected and centers around mindset. Let me shift into action steps. Start like we started this podcast, asking how much you believe this marriage can grow and improve. Then make some decisions. Make a decision about what you are going to put into your marriage. The difference between a choice and a decision is that a choice we can change, but a decision is fixed, this is what I am doing, nothing can alter it. We want your decision for your marriage, your commitment to help it grow, to be fixed.

On practical steps, for many of us this is an area of growth we have not connected directly to the health of our marriage. Be patient with yourself and your spouse, while taking action to learn and grow. Books on mindset, podcasts on mindset, and for me, journaling. I try to journal most days. I write my goals to keep priorities at the forefront, and I also journal something I was grateful for and something that was a challenge or frustration. Over time, when it gets hard to find what I was grateful for, that is an alarm that my mindset might be becoming critical or judgmental, hyper-aware of frustrations and losing sight of the good. There is also power in journaling the challenges, because when I look at the words, the tone, even my body language as I write, it tells me whether I believe I can overcome the problem. That exposes my mindset in different areas of life. Books, podcasts, journaling, simple but impactful steps.

The last thing, when it comes to growth in marriage, we are not just looking for behavior modification. A lot of times that is what counseling does, you change some behaviors, and then after you stop you go back, because you changed behavior without transforming from the inside out. Mindset is what causes inside-out transformation, because we are looking at the root, the why, becoming aware, and then deciding to make different choices and take different actions. It is all connected. So continue on this journey. Thank you for listening, it means a lot. Implement the things we talked about, and remember, before we meet again, there is always, always hope.