"They Should Know": Why Mind Reading Hurts Your Marriage

Hello, thank you for joining us on the Hope Relentless marriage podcast. I am Sarah-Gayle and my husband Chad is with me, and we are so thrilled you are here. Well done on investing in your marriage by taking the time to be here, to learn, and to be open, because it matters. Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. Chad: it is important to celebrate our marriages. Speaking of celebration, we just celebrated years of marriage this week, our marriage is "an adult" now, which was fun, although, the way marriage works, the anniversary itself had some of its own challenges.

Today we want to talk about mind reading and other signs of perceived success in marriage. As our relationship adds months, and months turn into years and years into decades, we can fall into the trap of thinking our spouse should know better, or should already know what we were thinking. Sarah-Gayle: our celebration had its own challenges, because the day before we got into a pretty big argument. It seems like that should not happen after all these years, we are "professionally married." But it reminded me of our engagement, when Chad proposed in Central Park on a horse and carriage ride, and leading up to it I was a brat, asking him to carry me through the streets of New York because my high heels hurt. Sometimes as couples we have an expectation that things should go a certain way, and when they do not, we reassess the whole relationship and think this is not how it should be. The reality is we are always on a journey, always growing.

Chad: that is a good point. It is not that we always agree on everything; the longer we are married, hopefully it means that when we disagree, we have learned tools to create clarity and regain unity faster. Early in a relationship we sometimes do not bring things up at all because we do not want tension, but sweeping things under the rug is not a good long-term strategy. We are going to have disagreements and see things differently. The important thing is not to have no arguments, it is to grow in our ability to manage tension, to listen, to respect, and to get back into unity so we can enjoy each other. By the time we got to our date, we were able to enjoy the conversation and be present, but even years in, there are still challenges.

Sarah-Gayle: back to mind reading, because I am reading your mind right now and it says get back on track. For our marriage, mind reading is not a thing. Some research says mind reading is fine in couples, and the truth is, if it works in your relationship and you have created an art of reading each other and it does not create dissension, then good for you, keep doing it. But for us, mind reading creates havoc, because we do not know each other to the extent that we can finish each other's sentences, we are still different people after all these years, and sometimes preferences change. What Chad preferred in one setting can be different from what he prefers now. So it is always best to let your spouse say what they want to say, and then you say what you want to say, taking ownership for what we are thinking rather than what we assume they are thinking.

Chad: when it comes to mind reading or having similar opinions, values, and ideas, there are areas where we overlap. As parents, something comes up with the boys, one of us says something, then later we find out the other said the same thing, so our thoughts are in unity in those areas, and that is fine. But there are plenty of areas where I go to speak for you or you go to speak for me and it is off base. We see it in disagreements when one of us says, "well, you thought," or "you said," and when we back up and ask, "can you clarify what you are thinking or saying?" often I will say, "no, that is not what I think at all." I read in a book that one of the most powerful things lacking in relationships, especially marriages, because we get comfortable and are more prone to cutting each other off and making assumptions, is listening: not already having the answer, but actually listening with the objective of understanding the other person. Mind reading does not work in that environment. If you are sharing and my objective is for you to feel understood, I am going to ask questions, not complete your sentences, not cut you off, not make assumptions. That is an area I am still growing in, even years into marriage.

Sarah-Gayle: one of the things I love about marriage and life is that we can always grow. We show up with the best we can based on what we have been through, and there is always opportunity to grow and become more impactful and experience more fruit. In line with this is "you should know," the same vein as "he should know I like this" or "he should know I do not like that." Really it is just a matter of telling him or her what you want and what you like. A huge example: "he should know I want to go to a nice restaurant we can dress up for on our anniversary," but he does not know. If he does, great, but it helps to give clarity, what part of town, what kind of food, do you want a big evening or not, instead of putting each other to the test, "are you going to guess what I want, even though it changes every year, because you should know."

Chad: the basic dynamic of communication is to simplify and get to unity. So many areas of life we cannot control or predict, two teenage boys, the weather, career curveballs. Communication and what we want do not need to be one more random variable where someone should just know. Early in our marriage as Christians, I wanted to be kind and thoughtful, but at times I presented as passive, which was not healthy, "it doesn't matter, whatever she wants," when I had opinions. It was important to embrace and communicate my opinions, otherwise we plan things and one of us is having fun and the other is not. It is so much easier for our spouse when we speak with clarity about what would be fun. Over different dates, some lean your way and some lean mine, and that is fine if we are aware and communicating.

Sarah-Gayle: the opposite of passivity is assertiveness, and being assertive did not come easily for me. Early on, around Valentine's Day, I love gifts, any gifts, but I had a hard time admitting it because it felt materialistic. So I said, "we celebrate our love every day, we do not need a fake holiday," when in reality I wanted any opportunity for a gift. Being assertive is saying what I would actually like to see happen and be excited about. I worked with a couple where the wife, when she first got married, became who she thought she should be and buried who she was to be agreeable, and ten years in we were deconstructing who she is and whether she even wanted to be married. That is what happens when we are not up front, often because we see assertiveness as aggressive or rude rather than helpful.

Chad: this is where reflective listening is so powerful, because depending on a spouse's family of origin, their voice may not have been given a place. Sometimes we are not even aware of what we want, and if our spouse is always finishing our sentences, planning everything, telling us what to do, it stifles our ability to think for ourselves and discover what we like. When we create a reflective listening atmosphere, seeking for our spouse to be understood, we give them space to think, ponder, share, and even change their mind. With Valentine's Day, you had said the restaurants are crowded and flowers die, so for a couple years we did not do much, and then it became clear I was in the doghouse. When I started asking questions, it turned out you were saying that because feeling loved every week seemed romantic, but you also wanted to feel special that week, and it did not help that Valentine's Day and your birthday are close together and would get lumped in. Reflective listening gives a spouse space to say, "I know I said this, but I have changed my mind," and for a spouse who did not have a voice as a kid, it helps them practice being assertive.

Sarah-Gayle: another way to put it is, say what you mean and mean what you say. We have all seen the meme where the husband asks, "can I go golfing Sunday?" and the wife says "sure" in a tone that means the opposite, and now there is a guilt game and a mess, because she does not want him to go but will not say it. Say what you mean. And because words are powerful, when we say we will do something, count the cost, like if I said I would give Chad a massage every night, I had better check my calendar first, because what I say matters. I do not want to commit to something I cannot follow through on. Grace is allowed when something genuinely comes up, we take ownership and get back on track, but for the most part, when we say we will do something, let's count the cost and follow through.

Chad: so, total clarity, should I clear my calendar for nightly massages, or was that flirting and then taking it away? Sarah-Gayle: totally a joke, fairy-tale land, like the Disney princess feet-rubbing fantasy. Chad: all right, so I will not put on my knight-in-shining-armor gear and you will not get out the lotion, so we will both be a little disappointed, but at least there is clarity, which is good. As we wrap up, some basic action steps: for many of us, finding healthy assertiveness is something to learn. For me, I can be very direct, and that can come across as rude or impatient, so that is a growth area; for you, maybe it is identifying what you even want and beginning to share it. A simple action step: speak your mind and share what you are thinking, then practice reflective listening, give your spouse space to complete their thoughts, with the standard being that your spouse walks away feeling heard and understood. That creates an environment that encourages your spouse to be assertive, and then follow through. Jesus says let your yes be yes and your no be no. There is always, always hope.