Renewing Your Mind, Renewing Your Marriage: The Power of Your Thoughts

Sarah-Gayle: Hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast. My name is Sarah-Gayle, and Chad, my amazingly good looking, incredible husband, is on the podcast as well. We are honored that you are listening. I want to remind you that you are a world changer, because resourcing your marriage makes a difference. Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. Well done.

Chad: That's right, world changers. Last week we talked about building emotional intimacy, so if you missed it, go back and check it out. It is such an important area, and for over a decade of our own marriage it was an area that had been forgotten. Today, I am excited, we are going to talk about our thoughts. Our thoughts are pivotal in our individual lives and in shaping the marriage we want to create. There is a quote by Gandhi: your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny. It starts with beliefs, then thoughts, and ends as our destiny. In Proverbs 23:7 it says, as a man or woman thinks, so is he or she. So I want to ask you two questions. First, what are you consistently thinking about concerning your spouse? Second, what are you consistently thinking about concerning yourself? These matter, because if most of our thoughts about our spouse are negative, we will experience them as negative, and we will keep looking for the negative to come true.

Sarah-Gayle: And likewise with our thoughts about ourselves. This is an area in our couples work that is surprising and sometimes sad, because a lot of us think very negatively about ourselves. That feeds into marriage, because if we do not think much of ourselves, we assume others do not either, and hurting people hurt people.

Chad: This is crucial. It makes me think of how, when you are shopping for a new car, you suddenly notice that car everywhere. It works that way in marriage. If I am thinking you are selfish, I will notice and interpret actions as selfish to support the thought I already have. If I think of you as generous and kind, those thoughts get reinforced. There might be moments someone could point to either way, so the important thing is what we are focusing on. Our thoughts are like a radar. So what do we do when our thoughts are no good? Part of it is recognizing we have a pattern, and that it takes time and intentionality to change. For us as Christians, there is a portion of Scripture in 2 Corinthians 10 about taking every thought captive. So take inventory, over the next week, of what you are thinking about yourself and your spouse. Then, in Romans 12, we are transformed by the renewing of our mind. Once you identify your current thoughts, you can think through the opposite, what is true, the promises and encouragement God has for you. But do not skip the first step, or you are shooting in the dark with no target.

Sarah-Gayle: This is crucial, because our thought life can literally create an amazing marriage or keep us trapped in one we are not happy with. It reminds me of a couple I have. They came in and said, we had a great week, it was incredible. I asked what changed. The wife said, I started to think about things differently. I was focusing on everything that was not going well, and I decided to focus on the fact that he is here, we are working on it, and day by day we are learning new things. Nothing changed in the circumstance, but everything changed because her thoughts changed. I want to share another scripture, because the Bible has a great outline for our thought life. And honestly, this is close to home. I have struggled with my own thought life, full of assumptions and psychoanalyzing and low self-esteem, what I would call incompleted loops, where I think about something but never resolve it. So Philippians 4:8 says, finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Chad: It is such a powerful verse. Like the questions you asked, we can mistake simple for not powerful, and we can confuse simple with easy. Taking thoughts captive and thinking on whatever is noble is a habit, and it takes intentionality and commitment. So I will go out on a limb and ask, will you give yourself the gift of your future thought life by committing to take inventory of your current thoughts and then find the contrast, the positive, and live out Philippians 4:8? It will not be perfect, but baby steps eventually lead to massive momentum. We have experienced this in our own marriage, the baby steps of date nights, daily appreciation, working through communication, emotional intimacy. Little moments that by themselves are not significant, but gathered together shape how we see each other and ourselves. And this does not mean we ignore reality or become naive optimists. It means, according to what we can control, we focus on those things. Just last week you got a flat tire on the highway. It was not what we planned, but I get to choose what to focus on: thankful you are safe, thankful the car was okay, thankful we had the resources to fix it. In every situation there is an opportunity to choose what we focus on.

Sarah-Gayle: I like how you said it is a discipline, a habit you cultivate. Seeing the glass half full is not always natural, but we can make it more natural by being consistent in focusing on what is praiseworthy and good. To piggyback on the car example, there are always different perspectives, and we get to choose our attitude. On a more intense note, I want to share my experience with grief. I have been to the funerals of my mother, my brother, and my sister. For my mother and brother there were open caskets, and there have been seasons where I think on how they looked there, lifeless, and it creates immense grief and sorrow. I am not saying we should forget those we have lost. I am pointing out how influential what we think on is in how we feel and what we move toward. It is hard to hold a negative thought and a positive thought at the same time. So in grief, what I have learned is to focus on their faces, their smiles, their laughs. As I do, my countenance changes and I begin to smile. The thought life is crucial in our day to day.

Chad: That is a powerful, personal example of implementing this principle in the most difficult times. We do not always get it right, and I am a big fan of more often than not, which gives space for our humanity while still giving us a vision of growth. As we close, here are some other questions. What are you exposing yourself to? The music, books, shows, radio, and podcasts all shape our thoughts. A powerful way to renew our mind and think about whatever is good is to listen to good things, watch good things, read good things, things that elevate you and others. Find a topic you are interested in and look for the encouraging, hopeful information on it. Our prayer is that this podcast is a source of encouragement and equipping for some. The habits of what we listen to play a role in shaping our thoughts, so if we want a drastic change, we have to be intentional across the day. Is that song, that show, taking you in the direction you want? If not, look to make changes, maybe not always, but more often than not.

Sarah-Gayle: I love it. It is hard to do, but it is worth it, and it is being kind to ourselves, because it is difficult to be inundated with one direction and then expect ourselves to go a different way. We have to be intentional and focus on what will lead us to the life we want. Now, it is time for the jingle. Appreciation time. Chad, I appreciate you being my knight in shining armor, although that phrase set us up for some failure early on because of unrealistic expectations, but you still come through big time. This week with the flat tire, it was as if I never had one, because you swooped in and took care of it. My couples assumed my day changed dramatically, and I said, actually no, my day stayed the same, my husband's day changed, because he was rescuing me. I appreciate that.

Chad: Thank you, babe. I appreciate the other night, it was cold and dark and you asked me to go on a walk because you did not want to walk alone. You like to walk at the end of the day to clear your thoughts and get fresh air, and I really appreciated joining you. It was one of many moments where I feel like we are building and enjoying a genuine partnership and friendship.

Sarah-Gayle: Thank you. For those of you listening, whether you are in a high place in your marriage, enjoy it and celebrate it, or a low place, remember what we talked about with thoughts, because how you think about it can make a difference in that moment. So whether you are in a high place or a low place, I want you to know that there is always, always hope.