When We Commit to Connect, We Stay Connected

Years ago Sarah-Gayle heard a phrase from Jim Burns at HomeWord that she has not been able to shake: overcommitted and under connected. Two simple words that describe most of the marriages we meet, both in coaching and in everyday life.

It is not that these couples do not love each other. It is that the calendar quietly crowded the relationship out. Connection stopped being intentional, and connection that is not intentional slowly stops happening at all. Here is how to turn that around.

Key takeaways

• Overcommitted and under connected. Full calendars quietly starve the one relationship that matters most.
• What you commit to leads your life. Your time, not your intentions, shows what you actually value.
• Connection has to be planned. In a busy life it will not happen on its own, so put it on the calendar.
• Under connected is dangerous. A marriage cannot thrive for long without a safe, open line of connection.

Overcommitted and Under Connected

Just the word overcommitted makes your head spin. Every new season brings new things to say yes to: social plans, family gatherings, work, activities for the kids. There is no shortage of good options competing for the most precious commodity we have, which is time. Those options are never going to slow down or disappear. If anything, there will always be a bigger, better one waiting. So when the schedule fills with the necessary and the unnecessary, leaving almost no room to focus on the relationship between husband and wife, everyone in the home feels it.

What Are You Actually Committed To?

If someone observed your life for a day, a week, a month, what would they see you were committed to? What you commit to is what you value, and honestly, what you commit to is what leads your life. That is exactly why, after God, marriage is designed to sit at the front of all your other commitments. Not squeezed into the leftover minutes, but given a real place.

What you commit to is what leads your life. Coach Sarah-Gayle

Plan the Connection On Purpose

Commit to set aside time to talk with your spouse, to enjoy your spouse, to simply be with your spouse. As natural as that sounds, in a busy life it does not happen on its own. So plan it now. Actually pick the time now, or another week will slip by where you feel like you and your spouse never really connected. Connection must be intentional and consistent, or the calendar will always win.

Under Connected Is a Quiet Danger

In a marriage, under connected can be likened to death. A marriage cannot survive long when the two people in it are under connected, because it usually means there is no longer a safe, open line of communication and unity has been compromised. If your marriage is in that place, it is worth dropping almost everything else to rekindle the connection. Marriage is a partnership where two are better than one, where one person gets to be fully known and fully accepted. If you are stuck there and cannot seem to find your way back to each other, that is exactly the kind of thing a coach can help with through online marriage counseling.

Simple Ways to Connect This Week

There are countless ways to connect. The trick is simply that you have to do them. Talking helps, and consistent actions that reaffirm your love and commitment help even more, because they bring the words to life.

• Plan a real date night, and plan the babysitter too if you need one.
• Take a walk in the park together, no phones.
• Sit down for coffee and an actual conversation.
• Spend a day at the museum, or take a small trip.
• Ask about their dreams, goals, fears, and hopes. The more you pry, the more you rediscover the awe that drew you together.

Key scriptures

Your next step this week

Before another week fills up, open the calendar with your spouse and put one connection time on it. A date, a walk, a coffee, anything. Protect it like it is the most important meeting of the week, because it is.

Reflection questions for you and your spouse

1. If someone watched our calendar, what would they say we are most committed to?
2. Where have we let good things crowd out time with each other?
3. Do we have a safe, open line of communication right now, or are we under connected?
4. What is one connection time we could protect every single week?

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Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle

There's always, always hope.