Boundaries in Communication: The What and the How

Hey there, welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast, Chad and Sarah-Gayle here, and we are thrilled you are joining us. What you are doing is significant, because marriages impact families. Your children are watching as you grow in your relationship and do intentional things for your marriage. Families impact communities, and communities impact the world, so we are literally changing the world one marriage at a time. Thank you for tuning in to keep being intentional.

The last couple of weeks we have been talking about boundaries. I know, a sexy topic. When I first hear "boundaries," I think of control, and my personality does not like being told what to do; my wife has learned this. It is an area of growth for me, and it is important to get counsel, because people are often just trying to see me be the best version of myself. What Sarah-Gayle and I are not suggesting is that we control each other under the guise of boundaries. Boundaries are much more like a game plan. If we were a championship team going into a big game, we would practice, have a game plan, and make it a priority to be in agreement about what we are trying to accomplish. That is what we mean by boundaries in communication: what is the game plan, and, as you said last week, boundaries help us show up as the best versions of ourselves. What environment creates that?

Quick recap: two podcasts ago we talked about boundaries with the opposite sex, protecting ourselves and the purity of our marriage. Last week we started on boundaries in communication, including who we bring into our marriage during difficult conversations, people we both trust and value, because we do not want to invite toxic dialogue that makes things worse. This is not about avoiding tension or fights, it is about learning how to fight fair: when there is difficulty, frustration, tension, how do we communicate with each other. Today we talk about the what and the how. We also talked about the where and the when, a good time when you are both at your best, not perfection, but margin to be present and undistracted, not at your kid's soccer game. And many couples call a time-out when emotions are overwhelming, which is good, they recognize they are not in a place to talk, but then it is never revisited, so it is crucial to revisit it.

When it comes to the what: when you are having a conversation with your spouse, what is the goal? Do you have one, or do you just start talking? Something incredibly helpful for us is, before the conversation gets going, I will say, "I just want to vent. I do not need you to fix anything. I just want to tell you what happened and have you listen." Chad: early on it was awkward, I would ask, "Are you looking for input or feedback, or are you just sharing?" You would say, "I'm just sharing." It is still hard for me, because I often feel like there is a fix. But when I just let you share, it seems weird to me, yet that often solves the problem for you, just the listening. And sometimes we have been talking for an hour, both frustrated, and I will say, "What are we even talking about right now?" If we do not know, that is a siren to push pause and ask, is this something we need to revisit, or did we start on one path and end up on a random one? Sometimes we both realize this is not even that urgent, I was just sharing my thoughts.

I will ask couples, what is the goal of your conversation? It seems awkward, "the goal is to have the conversation," but it helps to talk about one thing at a time. We commit to a game plan to talk about one thing at a time, because we often want to bring in all the past examples, and that triggers our spouse. I was the culprit; I thought if I built the case across all the years and times, Chad would finally understand and it would be great. It was not great at all. We learned the hard way. There is power in just continuing to get up; it is difficult, but keep getting up. These boundaries are not rigid rules to judge each other by, they are a plan, an ideal scenario. For me, one of the goals when it comes to the what is, I want to be heard. I do not even care about the outcome; you can disagree with me, I just want to know you hear me. Chad initially thought my pushback meant I wanted him to agree, when really I just wanted to be heard. My goal is not to be right or even to have a solution, it is to feel heard, and then I feel good about the result.

Chad: that is something I did not understand early on. I came into conversations thinking they have a purpose or an end goal, a problem to solve. A basic example, if we are deciding where to go for dinner, the objective is to pick a restaurant. But some conversations, the goal is to be heard; a decision does not have to be made. As I would ask, "Do you want feedback or do you just want to share?" it gave me direction and clarity on how to support you. She just wants me to listen, I can do that. She wants insight, I can do that. Both are great options; they are bad options when one of us wants one and the other does the other. To be honest, I did not know what I wanted until we failed at this multiple times and had horrible conversations. What it looked like was, you would offer help and I would think you were minimizing me, like "just do this," when I had been struggling a long time. It takes grace, because your heart was genuinely to help, you are brilliant and great at strategizing, but I took it as a direct attack. That is what happens in communication a lot; we start off wanting to help and connect, but if we are not aware of these dynamics we end up disappointed and frustrated because we did not set a plan.

So the how: how do you want to be spoken to in a conversation? Part of it is ownership and self-reflection, knowing how I like to be spoken to and when I am at my best. From marriage researcher John Gottman, there is his research on perpetual problems: we have them often because they are attached to personality differences, which is why the same issue keeps coming up. The thing is, we are not always trying to solve those problems; not all problems need to be or can be solved, because we are just different people. Understanding that is freeing. What the research shows is that how you talk to one another in the midst of those perpetual problems is the difference between happy and unhappy couples. The how includes tone of voice. Stereotypically, in an argument we raise our voice, cuss, slam doors, we go big. Gottman says happy couples do the opposite; they do not agree, but they talk to each other with respect, sometimes humor, sometimes a physical touch like a hand on a shoulder, in a way where the other person feels honored even in disagreement.

Chad: that was a big growth area for me, realizing some things will not be solved. Initially I thought, if it is not solved, I do not want to talk about it, keep it to yourself, go tell a friend. But as I matured I realized, talk about shutting down communication with my spouse. For me, tone was big; I get frustrated, my tone changes, and when you say "your tone is off," it makes my tone worse. It goes back to showing up as the best versions of ourselves. What makes marriage amazing and challenging is that there are two people, so you have to create an environment where both can show up as their best, and that takes compromise, agreement, and dialogue. The how creates an environment where conversations can keep happening and growing. Sarah-Gayle: some things you add, like tone, "I appreciate your tone not going beyond this level," and "I appreciate eye contact, especially about something with tension." And some things you want off-limits, like the words divorce, always, or never, because they undermine the whole conversation. When we are mad we are susceptible to not being our best, and those words speak to character and are said in frustration; we do not always or never do anything, and floating divorce means we cannot even continue. So the agreement is, if cursing happens, or "you always," "you never," or divorce, that shows we need to self-regulate and take a time-out, and the conversation is done for now because nothing positive comes next, but we will revisit it at a set time, within reason, because we do not want to leave it too far off.

Chad: it gets back to the objective of the relationship, which is so easy to lose in conflict. For me, my tension default is to win the argument, to prove I am right. I can do that two ways: elevate my opinion, "here is why I am right," or devalue you, "this idea is stupid." Either way, I might win the conversation but I have lost trust and communication. That is why the how is important; it is not just about this conversation but the perpetual problems and the environment we create. We want to increase communication, not decrease it, and the how is a key determinant of whether we are inviting conversation or suppressing it. Action steps: think about the what, the goal of your conversations, which changes by subject, sometimes a solution, sometimes the how, sometimes just to be heard. And take personal time to think about the how, the environment that helps you communicate well. We will not hit it all the time, but we want to keep growing. There is always, always hope.