How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Chad & Sarah-Gayle: Hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast. We are so happy you joined us. Remember, marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world, so investing in your marriage by listening to podcasts, going to seminars, whatever it is, is phenomenal. Today's topic is important, and it helps to remember that relationships are nuanced and dynamic. What we share are ideas, questions, and potential solutions to consider, not a one-size-fits-all. Today we are talking about boundaries, specifically boundaries with the opposite sex, as ideas on how to affair-proof your marriage.

One of the most difficult things for a couple to overcome is an affair. To be clear, when Chad says Sarah-Gayle has experienced it, she means she works with couples who have had affairs, not that she has. One thing that stands out from John Gottman's research is that the reason for affairs, physical or emotional, is often loneliness, and that is a human feeling all of us are susceptible to. So working with people who have had affairs does not lower our compassion or cause us to judge, because we are all human and none of us is above reproach. Today is about things we can put in place ahead of time to help with the scenarios that lead to affairs. We will likely do a separate conversation on what to do after an affair; this is the preventative side. Like wearing a helmet on a bike, it is not that you plan to crash, it is an intentional step to protect yourself if something happens.

When we bring up boundaries, the first reaction is often excuses, "we love each other, we would never." The idea of loneliness is interesting because most of us have experienced some loneliness. It is not about attractedness or someone hitting on you, it is realizing we should all be aware of additional steps we can take. The heart and motivation matter. People also react to "boundaries" as control. That is not the same thing. Control is wanting to know where your spouse is, approving what they do. What we mean is a couple looking at where potential threats could come from and where they are vulnerable to, out of the norm, fall into an affair. I say fall into because very few people in the middle of a healthy, thriving marriage wake up and decide to cheat. The couples we have worked with did not start there.

Generationally, my dad had an affair on my mom and my grandpa on my grandma. Thankfully they worked through their relationships, but there are still scars and impact. When that happened with my parents I was a teenager, and it marked me. So boundaries are all about looking at the marriage and asking how we protect it in good times and bad, how we prioritize it ahead of time to minimize those vulnerable, lonely, or painful moments.

Boundaries are not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, setting them is a sign of wisdom and strength, recognizing that not everyone is for our marriage. I have counseled people who pursue relationships with married men; it makes them feel special and seen. So people walk around with low self-esteem looking for love in all the wrong places, and it should alert us that not everyone respects the ring. If we are not putting boundaries in place and seeking agreement with our spouse, nobody else is. That brings up seeking agreement: it is not about what other couples do, it is about you and your spouse agreeing, because your boundaries might look different from your best friend's. Certain people are more flirty, and we want to be aware of that. What matters is what you do with your spouse and that you are in agreement. If one of us was not in agreement, we would talk it through until we were.

I was on staff at a church in LA where an emotional affair took place among staff, and leadership put windows in all the office doors so people could see in. It could feel extreme, but the desire to protect people from their worst moments was extreme in a good way. At my best I am not drawn to someone else, but boundaries are not about my best, they protect me at my worst, after a major fight, when we are not connecting, when I feel lonely. It was not that everyone on staff was trying to have affairs, it was creating transparency and accountability that reduces the likelihood a relationship goes beyond where it should.

For us, that is the not being alone in a car, not being alone at a house, not being alone with people of the opposite sex. It is an extreme boundary that makes it incredibly difficult to create emotional or physical connection with someone else, because the reality is I do not need to be emotionally or physically connected to another woman. What about a best friend of the opposite sex? Personally that is a recipe for disaster, because we are created for relationship, and if you are very close to someone else and you and your spouse hit a difficult season, that is a threat. People make bad decisions in bad moments. The point of boundaries is to protect yourself from a bad moment that has a forever impact, and that is what affairs do, they erode trust that is incredibly difficult to repair. Like a seatbelt: I have never been thrown from the car, and I still wear it every day.

Sometimes you work in a field dominated by one gender and certain meetings or lunches feel unavoidable. The thing to be aware of is consistency and proximity with the same person, because that is where comfort comes in and we let our guard down. Hurting people hurt people, and others around you may be walking around hurting, wanting someone to see them eye to eye, and that is how it starts. Affairs romanticize a fantasy, but that person does not live real life with you. The real thing God has for us is to be fully known and accepted.

It helps to remember the target. Marriage at its best is being fully known, fully accepted, fully loved. We will fall short, but it does not change what we pursue. So we have our clear boundaries, we do not spend time in any private environment with the opposite sex, can a work meeting be in a public place, and so on. If you work in an environment where you are regularly alone with the opposite sex, how do you have a conversation with your spouse that builds trust and promotes transparency, since loneliness and secretness are the foundations more likely to lead to affairs. If we create transparency, accountability, openness, and protective boundaries, we are in a good spot. It does not make a marriage perfect, but it prevents the thing that can really derail it.

When we share this with other couples, we hear that affairs were often something never thought about or taught. So if you are newly married, this is a conversation to have. Ask: can you be alone with the opposite sex, ride in a car, text back and forth, how often, can you have opposite-sex friends? I love the clarity. I love being able to say, "no thanks, I do not do that one-on-one." In counseling I do not counsel men one-on-one, because there is an emotional dynamic and I want them looking to their wife for that. I forgot about the text messages, that is another thing, we rarely text the opposite sex one-on-one. In full transparency, we do not have individual opposite-sex friends; if I need to text a friend's wife, I put him on the thread or put Sarah-Gayle on it so everyone is aware. If we find ourselves isolating and doing things in secret, that is an alarm. You take my phone all the time for photos, and it is nice that there is nothing for me to worry about. Over time those boundaries become a tremendous amount of freedom.

Seeking agreement is really thinking about what health and integrity look like in our relationship. Sometimes we come into agreement but the plan is bad, often because we are not comfortable saying what we mean, we do not want our spouse to feel distrusted, so we say "it's cool if you go to the movie with Sally," and over time that becomes problematic. If you do not feel comfortable with it, speak up. What happens when you do not agree? That is marriage communication. A third party, a counselor or wise friend, can help. Reflective listening helps. And if you cannot reach the ideal, ask what the next best alternative is to maximize transparency and comfort for both. A basic example: our son got a ride home from another parent, and it would have felt very different if he had texted "getting a ride with so-and-so's mom" and later "I'm home." If someone is going to be in a car or meeting with the opposite sex, being proactive, "I have a meeting with so-and-so," then "meeting ended, headed home," breaks the secrecy and isolation. It feels very different to hear it from your spouse than from someone else.

It is all about honoring one another, not because we have to or distrust each other, but because we want to keep our spouse in the loop. Sometimes boundaries change, but that conversation happens before the change, because when we are in agreement and one of us breaks it without checking in, that breaks trust. We are not perfect, so grace comes in, but as much as it depends on us, let us honor the agreements and the words we say. These boundaries are not only about the opposite sex, but they are a powerful place to start. Remember, there is always, always hope.