Keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing: Communication Boundaries That Protect Your Marriage

hello Chad and Sarah-Gayle here with the Hope Relentless marriage podcast and we are honored that you are tuning in to listen and we are just wanting to encourage you in the fact that you are tuning in to listen because you're making a difference when you are focusing in on your relationship and your marriage it impacts your family and then families impact communities and then communities impact the world and so it's a ripple effect a very powerful ripple effect so well done congratulations on doing what you can do to grow your marriage and so impact the world yeah it's so awesome I think about all these

little moments whether it's a podcast a book a date night that they're like little dominoes that just have this ripple effect in our marriage and in the moment we might not know how significant something is but the constantly showing up for our marriage is so powerful and in the long term it it drastically changes the environment the hope the enjoyment of our marriage so just want to say awesome job showing up tuning in last week we talked about boundaries with the opposite sex uh Sarah Gill and I talked a little bit that we kind of have some maybe strict or clear boundaries than a lot

of people we talked a little bit about why today we're going to talk about boundaries in communication so this idea of protecting yourself during communication and this kind of goes back to a little bit a different podcast where we talked about foundations and part of the foundation of marriage is recognizing that there are times where what I want and going after it will have a negative impact on the marriage so this idea of valuing and protecting the union of marriage Sarah-Gayle's and my relationship is something for me to fight for something for her to fight for and so boundaries isn't just about protecting myself or

just about protecting Sarah-Gayle it's about protecting and creating an environment where our marriage can continue to thrive continue to grow and in different difficult Seasons be protected yeah that's that's there is a negative attention when we think of restrictive restrictive yeah like what you're saying Chad I think it is important to just recognize that when it comes to communication and especially conflict when we're approaching each other with conflict in communication that there is an understanding or an agreement Clarity however you want to call it boundary to what we will allow what we will say and how we want to say it and so it's just

one of those things where we're never going to be perfect but we at least want to have an idea of in the best case scenario this is how it goes down this is when we are both at our best this is when we're not and so let's just talk about it before we get into the conflict or the disagreement argument let's talk about some ways of uh of getting on the same page so that those conversations can actually have a chance at being fruitful and productive yeah I mean because I think you know we get in disagreements all the time rarely do I walk into

the room going I'm gonna get in a fight with my wife and I'm gonna win right rarely do we have like those types of intentions and you know as parents with now two teenage boys you and I can be in one room and we can hear and recognize the tone the body language the responsiveness of them and we can tell that like they're going to get in a fight it's just a matter of of time based on the way they're interacting and we always sit there and go do they not notice uh and we try and help them identify boundaries but oftentimes this is easier

to recognize in other relationships and so it's going to take practice to identify what boundaries might make sense in your own relationship and then develop the skill of going uh oh we went past the guard rails right as we can hear our sons get more and more frustrated they're they're still learning what that sounds like and so there's going to be this dynamic in our marriages where we might create boundaries and then as we either run by them and just completely ignore them we realize yep the that boundary is something I need to pay more attention to or as we get down um down the

path of boundaries we might realize you know I thought this was important to me but now I'm realizing it's it's not as important to me but I think it's important to keep that perspective of the boundaries are for the marriage to protect and create an environment for the marriage to thrive and so what are some of the boundaries that we have when it comes to communication and why why do we have them what are some of the ones for you yeah well sorry before I go into that I did want to actually I want to I want to kind of tag on there that there's

this idea or this thought that we should just be able to say what we want to say when we want to say it how we want to say it because we feel it and I just think that when we have that expectation of you know even that's what a mature marriage is it's like within anything even the boundaries the opposite sex a mature marriage doesn't need to have boundaries a mature marriage doesn't need to be intentional it just happens right like you just are happily married I think this is what creates a lot of frustration and a lot of marriages that are not going well

because it's this idea or this mentality that we should just it should just work when in reality conversation communication is to people that are oftentimes different come from completely different backgrounds oftentimes and it's it requires some Grace some tact some care and so I think it will will do a lot better in our communication if we approach the conversation knowing hey you know what I I'm gonna be patient and I'm gonna listen more than I'm aiming to speak and I'm going to to recognize that this person is different from me has thoughts feelings goals Etc just like me and so we both are going to

be able to communicate and and speak in a way that we both can hear both can receive yeah I like that idea babe of you kind of debunking the myth of good communication should just be natural it's like no good communication is a skill that is learned that is practiced and it's something that we're going to fall short of at times but it doesn't change the Target right yeah I think about in the car I get in the car every day and every day I put my seatbelt on now thankfully my I've never been in a situation where my seat belt has saved my life

but I don't wait until that moment to try and find the seat belt and put it on it's a preventative it's something that I just do that now has become a habit it would take more energy for me not to put on a seat belt because I just get in and I put the seat belt on and so boundaries and communication in our relationship is kind of like that as we practice it more we're not even going to notice but there's going to be these boundaries these guard rails in our communication in in our marriage that automatically keep us safe when things get difficult or

discouraging or frustrating and so that's why they're so important in the middle of a car accident is not the time to look for my seat belt in the middle of an argument is not the time to go what let's establish some boundaries like the blood's flowing we're too heated we're too frustrated and like you know so that's why it's important to do this ahead of time all right so back to your initial question for me as far as some of the things that things that in our marriage I would say to start would be the who and what I mean by the who is who

is invited to give us feedback if anyone and so it's this it's um I think of it as a rookie mistake which is no judgment at all but a rookie mistake something that I think that we would have even done early in our in our relationship even before marriage would be to talk to our friends about our relationship and I would go to my college roommates I'd be like oh you know what he did or can you believe this or whatever but then realizing okay wait a second they're not in a relationship they've never been married and actually they're gonna see him tomorrow night when

they probably are going to bring up what exactly what I told them in confidence to him and so it's going to create a very uncomfortable situation and then you learn the hard way right and so the who just means who are you guys willing to to invite into your conversation or into marriage disputes or conflicts if anyone and so for us it's important that we are in agreement with who the who is and so if I have a friend Sally I don't know if Sally's like my token name I use on these things Sally if I if I have a friend Sally and I'm like

you know I really would love to be able to talk to her about some some things regarding marriage and if Chad is like oh man I I don't really I don't I don't feel comfortable with Sally knowing any of our business then that's something I have to respect and acknowledge because that's not going to be someone that helps bring strength to the marriage yeah and I think it's important in the in the who I have different people that come to mind if I just want to complain about you right if I just want to complain and and Gathering what's that I was like who are

they what are their names I'm keeping that close to the you know I'm um but if I just want to complain like that's a particular audience that I would think of but if I'm looking for encouragement if I'm looking for wisdom if I'm looking for support there's a high possibility that that's a totally different group and so I think you kind of bring up just that idea of you know we probably shouldn't have people that we go to that were just complaining about our spouse or being critical about our spouse one is they're going to interact with their spouse creates an awkward Dynamic too oftentimes

hopefully these situations are resolved but rarely do we go back to the people that we complained about our spouse to and give them the details of how we resolved it and so they're kind of out there left thinking that they're defending us or protecting us and they're holding this animosity towards our spouse meanwhile we've resolved and we're kind of moving on as a happy couple but you know back when we're dating like your roommate's like man that guy is this or that or you know if you're married and now it's at work you're complaining that colleague that maybe parent that sibling whoever it is you

know it's important that uh you know that's one of the challenges of just complaining as opposed to I think also we should establish who are the people that we go to for counsel these are people that we want the other person to know and we want the other person to have a level of trust and respect that's Mutual because ideally we do want people in our life wise counsel that we can go to and say hey we're having a hard time I want to share this with you not to complain but to learn and to grow and to better understand how do we repair from

this moment and what can we do to potentially prevent these difficult moments in the future but those should be people that are agreed upon right and people that are for both of us it's like they need to recognize that the marriage is a priority in that moment and their friendship to one of us individually is not so it's using some discretion when we think about okay who are some people that could actually help us because like Chad said it's not about who are the people I can complain and vent to so people who are can bring who are the people who can bring strength to

the relationship are they for the marriage above us individually and does my is my spouse comfortable with that person and so we should both know as part of the marriage you should know who your spouse talks to about your marriage if anyone some couples they don't want to talk they don't want to open up their marriage to anyone like they don't want anyone to speak in to their marriage and so that's that's your that's your choice you know and that's something you want to be in agreement on um but there is wisdom in counsel it's just the right counsel is is crucial yeah it's it's

so important so that's one of the boundaries who who do we talk to about our marriage another one that is more within the house is where if there's going to be conflict if there's going to be challenges if there's going to be disagreement um what is the where where are we an agreement that we can have these types of conversations if we get into disagreement in public are we in agreement that we can work through it there or if we're at the house or their particular spaces you know some people don't like to have arguments in their bedroom because they want their bedroom to be

a protected Sanctuary a safe space of rest of intimacy of enjoyment but there's this Dynamic of where I mean imagine getting in a fight out in public if one person is stringent about we're not going to talk about this here and the other person just keeps pushing keeps pushing keeps pushing now there's two arguments right we're now essentially arguing with each other over the where plus whatever initiated um that disagreement or conflict to begin with so the where is kind of important what are your thoughts around the where yeah so when it comes to the where I think that it's it's really whatever you wherever

you are your best you know in the sense of where can I actually have a focused conversation where I can feel present and I can feel attentive and so for us our boys play a lot of soccer and at the soccer game things could come up because we're just on the sideline every single game but the the thing is in the discipline part of it is that we need to be disciplined chat and I are disciplined not to engage in a conversation even if something comes up because we know that we don't want to air our conversation out into into into the public soccer after

you know Arena and we also know that we're not going to be attentive because as soon as the game starts like if it's half time the game starts again and we're all of a sudden not interested in the conversation we're interested in the game so the where would be something that you feel like you could you could be successful in this a place that you feel like you could have a genuine conversation in yeah I like that idea of the wear should be driven by where can we be our best this kind of gets back to this idea of if I get when I get

caught up in the moment um of my own I want to talk about this because I want this resolved right now or you know for me it's I I fall into these dynamics of there is a right and a wrong on an idea on a situation on an opinion on whatever it is and obviously I usually start out thinking I am right and so I want to establish that somebody is wrong and if that's a conversation with you then obviously I'm not entering that conversation in a healthy Manner and so I love that idea of the where should be driven by where are we our

best where do we minimize distractions where can we keep the priority the priority and that's one of the things that boundaries helps us with it keeps the priority the important things as the important things there's so much in our day that becomes urgent and it's easy without any boundaries for the Urgent to feel like it's important it's urgent for me to get this resolved it's urgent for me to share my thoughts it's urgent for me to to to tell you what happened but is it important does it Serve and Protect and help the marriage and the relationship Thrive and so the where should support that

so that's why public can be challenging if we enter these new variables that we have to navigate on top of the conversation of can other people hear us are we okay that they can hear us what are we talking about are there interruptions you know that's like a dynamic of the soccer game right there's going to be interruptions the games happening you're you're amongst usually other players parents and families and so there's these other variables that don't support the health of the conversation and so the wear was probably a place that is um Limited in eruptions where both people feel safe and comfortable those are

kind of some of my thoughts on the where do you have any other thoughts on the where no I think that that about covers it and it it brings me into kind of the win the timing of it because you were even saying you know sometimes that urgency that we feel as far as hey this needs to happen now because we we're thinking about it and that's something very common in couples that we counsel is this timing Dynamic is significant because someone will come home from work and then you know the person at home's been waiting and they're they just you know start talking and

the person that comes home was like oh I just want to decompress a bit I don't even have the energy into so then they respond in a certain way that is not their best and not we're not talking about perfection or anything but what we are talking about is you know when you are more patient and when you can be more attentive and present in a moment so that's what we're trying to look for That's The Sweet Spot of conversation because especially when we're talking about things that are potentially full of conflict we we don't want to be overly tired we don't want to be

uh in a place that we don't feel like we can have the conversation because we need to be all in and focused in on what's going on because the emotion that comes from conflict is already going to be there so we want to make sure we set ourselves up in the best case scenario so the timing when is the best time typically for conversations to happen is it after work is it before you go to work and you know is it when right before you go to sleep so that's very significant and so Chad I don't know if you want to tell tell them about

kind of early on in our marriage when the sleeping thing was just a big a big issue with me wanting to have conversations and you're trying to get your precious beauty sleep yeah I need sleep to look this good you know it's it's uh um early in our marriage as in still now so my sleep um I like my sleep my sleep is like a Cornerstone habit or Foundation or part of my my structure that helps me feel full of energy vibrant thoughtful um and you know when I miss or or get not as much sleep as I would like multiple nights in a row

I become angry I become cranky I become rude short all of that stuff so sleep is important to me and early on in our marriage I would go to bed it'd be like bedtime and I'd be like half asleep and then Sarah-Gayle would start a conversation but then it would become like this Con like conversation like full-on dialogue and so that for me is a boundary there's a time where hey post bedtime if it's longer than a couple minute conversation and we're not in agreement like this isn't the time to have this because hey I'm tired so I'm not showing up as the best version

of myself but B if the conversation goes longer I start to resent it because I'm looking at my watch I'm looking at my phone and I see that it's even further and further past bedtime and so I am no longer in the conversation to see the conversation end well I'm in the conversation to end the conversation and so obviously if it's an important topic or an area where there's been tension that once again that's not the environment that supports the marriage and the conversation having an outcome that it deserves and so that's something for me late at night for me is a boundary it's not

for Sarah-Gayle but that's something our marriage together we have to work together on that and be in agreement and that area yeah and this was really hard for me and you're right it still is a bit hard for me because I'm so different for example we stayed up and watched the U.S women's world cup and they were playing they were playing at 12 o'clock and so we stayed up and I'm like all right we're turning up let's go and shout out to take a nap before to be ready for it and then afterwards I guess the following morning he he was like a little groggy

and I'm following morning I'm up ready to go like the lack of sleep didn't impact me in that same way and so at night I'm just feeling extra just loving and just like hey you know we're winding down now I can actually talk and so I started to think more that it was why do you get to say we can't have a conversation I want to have a conversation and it became this kind of tug of war if you will but at the end of the day I had to decide do I want to have a conversation with him when he says he does not

want to have a conversation and when he says he is actually a little bit shorter at those moments and he wants to end the conversation at those moments like am I is that the conversation I want to have and the reality is no that's not the conversation I would have I want to have a conversation with him when he's at what he is articulating as his best and so it was just an act of just dying to myself or however you want to say it and just recognizing the marriage is more important than what I wanted for myself in that moment and so I think

it's important to just constantly revisit the purpose of the boundaries is to protect the marriage it's to give conversations in difficult conversations the best chance to be successful I mean you know you think about an NFL team could you imagine if one NFL team has plays and everybody knows what the plays and the positions and the roles and then another team doesn't have plays they just throw players out there and hope for the best without boundaries like that's what we're doing in our marriage we're just hoping for the best we're just winging it and the reality is that doesn't position us to strengthen our marriage

and have difficult conversations the other thing boundaries are not an excuse to just avoid difficult conversations and maybe we can kind of end with that idea boundaries create Clarity on when they happen where they happen how they happen but they are not about avoiding them that is not the purpose of boundaries any thoughts on that babe as we wrap up this particular conversation on boundaries that's really good because I was like where is he going with this and the visual I got is just a wall you know boundaries doesn't mean you just are like I don't want to talk about it and I put up

a wall because this is my boundary and this is what we talk about a lot in culture you know we have these these firm boundaries and taken out of context it's it's like what you said it's shutting down conversation and it's making it so there's there's not that openness in the relationship but I wanted to comment on your NFL illustration and where I thought you were going with it was if you're an NFL team for example and you know all the plays like you have these plays but then your players aren't doing the plays what are they doing getting fired getting cut right and in

a marriage it's like getting in a fight because it's it's like if you've told me this is when you operate your best it's like okay that's the play so let me run the play because I want I want us both to be operating in our best so there's more to this and we don't want to continue continue on and happy on here for the next hour so we're gonna break it up and next week we'll finish this conversation out as far as boundaries when it comes to our communication and conflict especially and so boundaries are our Clarity is what I want to reiterate and I'll

go I'll go ahead and close this out unless you have something else to add Chad well I think just some practical action steps that couples can take is for them to solidify who who are the people that they are both in agreement they can invite into difficult conversations right who can they get counsel from the next one would be the where where are they both comfortable um having these types of conversations and then the third one that we touched on was the win and so I think if they were to begin having conversations around those three things those will be practical action steps that would

support them as they begin to put some of these boundaries in place awesome and that's great the the recap there in the action steps and so with the win I wanted to finish that one out because a lot of times couples will decide that they want to come back to a problem or a challenge and so or a conversation that is and I think that that's okay as long as there is a time that you will revisit it so if I am upset and I'm just you know emotionally overdrawn and I'm having a conversation with Chad and I'm like hey you know what like now

is not a good time for me like I don't even know what I think about what we're talking about I'm I'm out I'm out of control emotionally and I say now is not a good time then what I want to say is but in two hours I think I will have calmed down and I would like to talk in two hours or but tonight after dinner I would like to revisit it that that's okay because we know we're going to revisit it Chad knows we're going to revisit it because sometimes we get into these Cycles where we say Hey you know I don't want to

talk about this right now and then we don't ever talk about it and so that sends a message to the spouse that keeps getting told I don't want to talk about it and so then there we never get to talk about what they want to talk about so it's going to add that okay all right well we will continue this next week hopefully you got some things you can Implement now and again thank you for listening it is an honor that you would tune in and use your time to build your marriage and remember there's always always hope