Communication Patterns: How to Break Toxic Cycles and Find Alternatives That Actually Work

hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast we are so happy that you're joining us and well done on taking the time to prioritize your marriage that's what you're doing when you're listening to this podcast reading a book on marriage going to a seminar on marriage whatever it is that you're doing it's amazing because you are making a difference in your marriage which means you're making a difference in your family in the community and the world so incredible we're happy to have you and we're excited for you guys to hear what we're going to talk about today yeah I'm excited today because we are

talking about communication communication problems challenges arguments fights whatever it is that couples want to call it is one of the primary reasons that couples reach out to Hope Relentless they want help with their communication and really what we're talking about is the ability to connect communication can be powerful it can help us feel close to our spouse or it can be a source of frustration and so today we're going to talk about communication patterns how do we find the patterns that are causing problems in our relationship and what are the Alternatives how do we make maybe small but significant tweaks and adjustments and that's what

we're going to talk about today I am excited for this yes because this is a very personal one for us because for some reason we have nothing in common when it comes to how we communicate really when it comes to life in general I think initially it was Jesus that brought us together we both love the Lord and seemingly we were both athletic but I don't necessarily like to play a lot of sports other than maybe soccer and basketball and I don't like to watch them for sure I like to play if I'm going to involve myself in sports yeah and I grew up in

the mountains and she grew up in the suburbs of Denver so I think early on we thought there'd be a lot of interest and overlap and it's simply not true the reality is I am a white male and you are a black female and in pretty much every area we are as similar or more likely as different as as the Aesthetics suggest so communication has been a bumpy road for us at times and and sometimes it still is but big picture we've learned some things we continue to grow in this area and we know that when communication is operating right it just it positions the

marriage and the relationship so differently yeah I was working with a couple recently and they shared something that really resonated with me they both want to communicate and share but oftentimes when they do the reality is the problem gets worse and not better and I think there's a lot of couples that feel that way they want to maybe share a dream or maybe share a frustration but when they do the reality is the pattern of communication the pattern of how they interact with each other ends up causing more pain than it does clarity and freedom and so this is so common and it doesn't have

to be that way and so that's why I'm excited about today and what we're going to talk about so we're going to use an example in our own marriage a pattern we're going to go through and highlight the the combative or the toxic pattern and then we're going to look at what are the Alternatives and hopefully you can look at your own communication patterns and this can be a guide to help create some clarity and some some better options for you and for your for your spouse all right so let's jump in do it I want to go through an example this is a very

real-time example just for you for you guys listening this is something in our marriage that we still have to recognize is happening because we still kind of can fall into it but the thing is we have a plan now so when it happens we have a plan of action as to hey this is what I'm responsible for this is what you're responsible for if we both kind of show up then we can have that conversation go differently so I'm going to lay out what typically happens and so uh Sarah-Gayle so I'm just going to be SG so SG shares her feelings you know because whoa

my mic drops sorry she shares her feelings and then Chad will defend himself because I might say you know I feel like you're just not listening to me and then he will defend himself and say something like I am listening to you like what are you talking about how how are you going to tell me I'm not listening to you I literally am looking at you I'm listening to you and then if he doesn't acknowledge what I'm saying then I'm going to push I'm going to push I'm going to say no but I just feel like you're not listening now and you know this happens

a lot actually because when I've spoken to you of things of the past like I felt like you know you weren't listening to me then and so then I kind of go a bit Global and really my heart is to try and show him now look like this isn't isolated here's a different example here's a different example and then that really just goes takes him to a different level and then he will start to attack what I'm saying and so uh even the different examples I give he might go into it and say that's not even what happened in that example and then now we're

arguing about something that we're not even talking about and then as a result I just shut down because I feel like all has been lost even talking about this pattern exhausts me yeah it does it's it's both sad and funny almost it's funny because we've done it so many times in the wrong way and now as we like lay it out and we talk about it it seems so silly but in the moment it's it's a real it's a real struggle this idea of our communication we start out with good intentions but in the moment we end up triggering each other and so let's go

back through the pattern but let's talk about some Alternatives so when Sarah-Gayle is sharing and she says I feel her desire is to take ownership and intentions and personalize when she says something like I feel like you're not listening I get triggered because I'm like I am listening how are you well okay if you feel that way well let me just give you accurate information and my thought is it'll change her feelings and I completely miss it I completely Miss at the end of the day one of Sarah-Gayle's primary desires is to be heard and to be to be validated to be um to have

to have space to be herself for me it's to be appreciated so when she says I feel you negative like anything negative and I'm like triggered and I go to defending because I want to defend my honor I want to correct but I completely miss the fact that my wife wants to be hurt she wants to be valued she wants to be recognized for her feelings and so the negative pattern is I defend myself the positive pattern would be to ask questions why do you feel that way and what's unique about the alternative options is at almost every step we both have opportunities to disrupt

the negative pattern and to create a better or an alternative pattern so Sarah-Gayle can transition some of what she introduces a topic is just to have that confidence to stand on our own I I desire one of the one one powerful thing is to transition potential complaints into desires so instead of I feel you it's just standing on the I I want to be listened to I want to be heard right that's an opportunity for her but even if she doesn't and she says I feel you don't listen now it's my turn to have an opportunity to go oh my wife wants to be heard

she wants to be to to be valued let me be curious instead of defensive let me ask why do you feel that way or can you share more about that and so these are the different ways that as we increase awareness and we're committed to the relationship over our own self-preservation there's all these little opportunities to to make small tweaks that'll translate to significantly different outcomes what are your what are your thoughts on this so far babe yeah I like how you said Express the desires and we can also add you know how can you communicate in the affirmative because for example I can say

I wish you would take me on more dates you know or like I don't we don't ever go on any dates but really I I just would like to go on more dates and so it's it's finding the affirmative way to say that where it's not an attack of what you're not doing of what our spouses aren't doing rather what would we like to see happen and the desires is expressing desires instead of complaints that came from resilient marriage they have an amazing Ministry where they are doing amazing things with some intensives and doing some great work with couples and so I think it's a

it's an option it's a definite option of saying I desire rather than why don't you or even like what Chad pointed out it's it's small it's a small tweak but a lot of times we can take that responsibility and say I feel like you and we're thinking we're taking responsibility by saying I feel but I'm still coming back to you and that can trigger trigger someone and so and as instead it's saying I desire to go on more dates you know I desire to go on dates rather than I feel like you don't take me on dates you're saying the same thing but it sits

differently and so that what we have to decide is do we want to communicate so that our spouse knows that they messed up and knows that they're not serving Us in this way that we desire or do we just want to communicate what we desire and that really does change how we talk to our spouse but one thing I want to point out Chad that I think we have to be aware of when we're looking at this pattern and you listening I'm sure you can identify a pattern that you guys have in arguments you know it's the same thing you go through the same thing

and there is one area when it comes to John gottman where he's talking about Perpetual problems and we've talked about that in the past and so um this podcast isn't for that so you can look up John gottman Perpetual problems and and there's some growth there that that can occur but there is an element in what we're talking about when we're looking at this pattern and seeing what we can do differently where we have to have that time of reflection to know why we are responding the way we're responding and what we personally can do to respond differently so for example when Chad defends like

so in our pattern it started off with me sharing my feelings and number one it's like why do I share my feelings and a lot of times it is rooted in our background something in our past it's like when I when I was growing up I didn't feel like I had a place to share feelings and so as I got older it's like I want to be able to share my feelings and then when Chad defends I push because I feel like I'm being shut down and it's almost as if I was I'm back in my my childhood where there was no voice for me

to express feelings and so then that makes me upset and that's why I push I push because like I deserve for my feelings to be heard and so it's me being aware of these past things that are making me show up in my current relationship in a way that I don't really need to show up it might does that make sense yeah I mean it makes a lot of sense I think this is where this is where we like to look at the past and the family of origin to create context you know when we understand you know there's a couple things we can learn

from our family of origin what were the patterns that we witnessed you know oftentimes you'll hear the phrase you know kids catch what they see right not what they're told so they're so oftentimes that those are the patterns that we might repeat or the alternative is we swing the pendulum to a way we're like super far right could an example could be if parents were super controlling and a young person felt stifled then when they become older maybe they don't have a lot of boundaries they don't have a lot of rules they swing the other way but the context matters for you you didn't have

a voice and you didn't have a safe space to share your feelings so now that you're a healthy adult those are important to you you want your voice to be heard and you want to have the freedom to share your feelings for me in my family of origin emotions were often used to manipulate or to get what somebody wants so when you bring feelings and emotions my first reaction is oh this is to manipulate the outcome she's trying to like write a blank check because she feels something she gets what she wants and no we're gonna rely on accuracy and data and uh and and

and facts right and so when we both go to those spaces we can see without awareness like that's that conversation is not going to go well and this is what we see with couples they're not even aware like we're not even aware because we can get so caught up in the moment and then I go into my corner and you go into your corner and now it's like a verbal boxing match right we're sparring we're trading we're trading comments we're trading rebuttals we're trading defensiveness and attacks and and at the end of the day maybe one of us wins and is standing in the corner

like I'm the Champion well at what cost right the cost is our relationship the cost is our spouse wanting to communicate our the cost is you know a couple weeks later when it's like ah should I bring this up this hasn't gone well things are maybe maybe we're at a B minus in marital satisfaction but if I bring it up like we're gonna be at a d or an F right yeah so that's why these things these patterns become so important for us to become aware of so that then we can get better at making a different Choice making different choices can lead to different

results yeah that's good that's so good I was like wow when when you were describing you know in your family emotions were manipulative feelings were manipulative and so it just shows that it's important for us to track with our spouse to be compassionate towards them and I I said I wasn't going to talk about gottman's Perpetual problems but I think it's very relevant because the the thing with Perpetual problems the the patterns the things that consistently come up is that they will consistently come up and so how we talk about those things matter is our tone of voice still calm is our is our uh

demeanor still kind all of those things matter and I think a big reason for that is you know there's a story to the conversation there's a story behind the conversation if you will like like you've seen hopefully in this example where you know Chad's not able to receive my feelings because of how he grew up I feel like I need to share my feelings because of how I grew up I'm imagine if we're having this conflict this tug of war and we're treating each other kind eventually we're going to be able to have a conversation about it and and actually make progress in it perhaps

because we've left the door open to have the conversation because when we're not kind to each other in the midst of that argument in the midst of that conflict then like Chad said we don't want to have another conversation with that person or we sweep it under the rug and even worse we just we just tell ourselves it's hopeless and that's how marriages corrode over time you become roommates and and you're done whereas in reality you know Chad and I love each other like we might not have a lot in common initially but what we have in common is what has built our life has

built our marriage and we have that friendship you know that that best friend friendship but then obviously also the eroticness of you know not to not to get awkward here but we obviously are attracted to each other in the sexual form as well because you want both of you know you want both of those but the point that I was making is we want to keep those conversation lines open and how we treat each other in the midst of those conversations matter and also to remember that you you love the person you are arguing with and oftentimes there's more to the story than what we're

just hearing but we have to have the patience to kind of dig deep with ourselves but then also with our spouse to kind of get to that more yeah I mean I think I I want to almost encourage couples if they find themselves in unhealthy patterns of communication to kind of get away from the data and the circumstances and become more like investigators right there's a pattern there and it's not about the subject right because you and I can repeat this pattern across infinite different things it could start on who goes to the grocery store who cooks who cleans who picks up the kids who

feel like not going to the grocery store yeah I don't think the topics can change but often the patterns are very very similar and so when we can kind of take a step back and recognize huh what are the patterns Sarah-Gayle wants to be heard she wants her voice to matter I want to be appreciated so it's so powerful because I I want to create wins for my family and for my wife so when Sarah-Gayle phrases things in the affirmative I'm literally like oh I can do that right yeah I'm gonna go like I'm gonna make that happen right and when I take a step

back and I'm like man if you know if I want to have a good time later today one of the ways my wife feels connected is by listening so now it changes now I want to create space for her to share her feelings for her to share her voice and feel like her voice matters and now we create a different pattern that is instead of creating tension is actually building connection and intimacy and deposits and friendship and all of these different things that we that many of us want in our relationship and so this is why doing this work is is foundational but it can

literally redefine a relationship and the Very things that used to take a relationship from a B minus to a d or an F can take a relationship from a B minus to an a A plus same circumstances but how we handle them builds connect sections versus destroying connections and intimacy yeah that's so good so what do we want you to do what are some action steps I would say to identify the pattern think about it do you have a pattern that occurs in your conversations and even if it's not a pattern per se what is it that you both are constantly saying if you've been

married longer than maybe a couple days you know there's some constant things that keep coming up where it's like I just want to be heard I want to be able to express myself or I I want to be respected or I don't like the tone like there's things that are consistent that that come up and so once you identify that pattern or those consistent things when it comes to communication then I want you to self-reflect self-reflect as a couple think about why do you respond the way you're responding is there a connection to your past and then also I guess after that when once you

know why you're responding then it's finding out how you can respond to meet your spouse where they are because once you realize okay this is why they're defensive for example then it's asking I wonder how can I communicate in a way that you can receive it and you guys get to do this work it's like a marriage Mastermind is what I say oftentimes in the sessions that I have you're constantly thinking about okay what can I put in there that's going to work that's going to serve the relationship and then you try it and sometimes it doesn't work you try it and you say oh

you know I I think if you just talk to me more directly I would understand what you're saying and then you get spoken to directly and you're like no no no I don't want you to talk to me directly and I yeah and that's okay and so let's go back to the drawing board let's not just give up and say see nothing's going to work something will work we just have to keep trying and so as you figure out okay how does your spouse receive what you're trying to say then then you want to start to do those things and it's going to take some

renewing of your mind because it's not going to be your natural instinct and that's okay so I write it down perhaps and start to really get that in your heart as far as how they want to be spoken to because that's how they can receive it and so once you guys have these different Alternatives in place like Chad said at the very beginning there's probably three exchanges at least you know in this pattern that you have that already existed where one of you has the opportunity to save the day to do something different because even if both of you start the conversation in your old

ways it still gets to that that third that third level you know someone starts someone someone responds and then that third level there where then you have another chance to respond differently and so that's what we want to pay attention to is taking ownership for how can I respond in a way that my spouse can receive it and then if it doesn't go as planned it's still recognizing you can save the day at any point in the conversation just do something different and bam we're in a new pattern of communication that's not as destructive yeah and I think you mentioned resilient marriage earlier you know

there are mentors Phil and Vicki and you know they've taught us the power of a do-over you know it's like something that we've tried to embrace and that is maybe you just both drop the ball and screw up at every level and it just it it ends back like that's where it's like embrace the do-over like somebody needs to take ownership and I challenge the men to lead Leader's lead like lead in this area I bet for a lot of men if they come to their wife with humility and ownership and just say hey I messed up I'd like a do over there I said

something and reflecting I don't mean it now I think our words matter and we can't become casual with our words but look we're not perfect as people we've all communicated something that later we go man I either actually don't agree with that or I really wish I hadn't said it well start taking action to repair take ownership ask for a do-over and then give it another shot you know I think what we've seen is isn't that couples implement this right away to Perfection it's just simply the couples that are committed to like they believe hey we know that there's a better way to communicate and

we're committed to discovering it together you know and kind of stumble fumble but they're moving forward and yeah you know they find something that works for them and and then they continue to learn and grow and that's what we want to see we want to see couples get out of the negative toxic patterns and begin exploring and practicing and discovering for them healthier patterns that just continue to um you know build build that connection that we're that we're looking for you know you had me at do-over because it's just that ownership you know where it's like hey can we have a do-over we and then

it's yeah it's it's amazing because we are human we're imperfect and so I think that that will go a long long way in many households well I want to end in appreciation and this is something I do in my sessions and I want to do it in this and hopefully we can remember to do it moving forward because I think it's important to appreciate your spouse consistently every day throughout the day and also in public appreciate let's create an atmosphere of appreciation so Chad I appreciate how you have just taken such ownership and um put such such time in growing in your emotional capacity and

you're reading books on it and we have word charts around our house that have emotions and like just so we can know okay you might feel sad today and it has real charge and so I see it I know our boys see it so I really appreciate how you're growing in that area thank you babe there's Soul words Soul words I need to literally print out so I could identify I was a thinker and I'm starting to learn more how I feel and so those help I think thank you babe I appreciate that recognition you know with today being our son's 13th birthday it reminds

me that you do an incredible job helping us as a family celebrate if it was up to me I'd give Micah a hug I tell him I love him and I'm proud of him and I'd send him on his way but no you celebrate with the details so we feel seen and cared for and loved so Mikey gets up he's got a homemade breakfast of his favorite things he's got a happy birthday balloons the and so I just appreciate the details that you execute and demonstrating your care and your love that really allow us as a family to have an environment of Celebration and joy

so thank you thank you for that ah I love it I love it ah you're welcome well that's the end it's the end of the show calling it and just hope you guys enjoyed this podcast and hopefully you can apply it to your own marriage and regardless of where you are what season of life you're in in your marriage a high place a low place I just want you to know that there is help and there is hope and I want you to just remember that even if you feel like there's no no up from where you are I want you to remember believe on

hold on to the fact that there is always always hope Marriage Myths That Ruin Relationships: