Growth That Lasts: How to Prevent the Yo-Yo Effect in Your Marriage
You've felt the breakthrough. The aha moment, the new perspective, the hope that things are finally turning. And then, weeks or months later, you slide back into the old patterns and it's crushing, because this time you thought you knew better.
If you've ever finished a diet, a training program, or a season of counseling with great results, only to drift right back to where you started, you know this feeling. We call it the yo-yo, and in marriage it can do more than disappoint. When hope gets raised and then dashed, couples often end up more discouraged than when they began.
So let's talk about why growth fades, and more importantly, what makes it last.
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The goal of real growth isn't behavior modification, which works in the moment and then fades. It's transformation, where your mind and your habits actually change. That's the difference between a result you have to white-knuckle and a result that becomes who you are.
Key Takeaways
- Transformation lasts, behavior modification doesn't. Lasting growth comes from renewing your mind and your habits, not from gritting your teeth until the program ends.
- Culture is not built for marriages to thrive. Drifting with the current leads to relational decay. Growth that lasts is counter-cultural and intentional.
- False expectations set the trap."If we're meant to be, it should be easy" isn't true. Thriving in anything comes from patterns, priorities, and effort.
- Don't redefine your marriage by one bad moment. Look at the trend, not your most recent interaction. Two steps forward and a half step back is still growth.
- Growth is the fruit of activity. Stop the activity and the fruit disappears, the same way it would if you stopped working out.
- Consistency beats intensity. A vacation or a single seminar is an event. Lasting change comes from showing up week after week.
- Have grace for yourselves. Most of us were never shown what healthy marriage takes. You're doing better than you think you are.
Why Growth Doesn't Stick
The first reason is bigger than any one couple: society isn't set up for relationships to thrive. Think about how many relationships that start today are still thriving twenty or fifty years later. It's a small percentage, even though almost everyone wants that when they begin. Our day-to-day cultural norms quietly lead toward relational decay. So if you just go with the flow, floating down the river, you slowly drift somewhere you never wanted to be. Growth that lasts means deciding to create different patterns on purpose.
The second reason is false expectations. There's a belief that if you found "the one," your soulmate, it should be natural and easy. (We're not talking about toxic or abusive relationships here, that's different.) But in any area of life, health, finances, career, when something thrives for a long time, there are almost always patterns and priorities and intentionality behind it. Marriage is no different. And honestly, a lot of us never saw that modeled. We grew up without a good example, so we filled the gap with media, butterflies, grand highs, confetti. That's why grace matters so much. Most couples have made something beautiful out of a pile of random ingredients. You're doing better than you think you are.
The Trap of Redefining Everything by One Bad Day
Here's one we see constantly. A couple prioritizes their relationship, reads, comes to coaching, and things trend in a great direction for three, six, twelve months. Then they have one hard week, one argument, one moment where they both show up at their worst, and suddenly the story becomes "nothing has changed, none of it stuck." All the better moments get erased by one bad one.
Usually that's fear talking, the fear that we never really grew. But it isn't true. Think of a plant. You don't stare at a seedling and announce, "You're not growing." It grows slowly, over time, often invisibly. It's like your own kids: you don't notice the growth day to day, and then someone who hasn't seen them in months says, "Look how much you've grown!" Your marriage is the same. So have grace. Look at the trend. Are you learning, forgiving, still showing up for each other? Then you're growing, even on the weeks it doesn't feel like it. (This is the same mindset shift we dig into in our episode on mindset and marriage.)
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What Actually Promotes Growth That Lasts
Here's a number worth sitting with. Of the couples we work with week to week, how many get worse ? Zero. Not because every week is perfect, growth never means no bad days, but because of one thing: intentionality.
We ask couples, "When was the last time you spent twelve weeks consistently investing in your marriage every single week, with it actually on your calendar?" The answer is almost always never. And just deciding to do it changes something psychologically. Couples come back after the second session saying, "We're doing so great," and we've barely covered anything yet. Why? Because they told themselves, our marriage matters, we're all in.
The other half is consistency. Imagine telling your boss, "I didn't show up in August, but my work in June and July was incredible." You'd be fired, and your friend would look at you like you're crazy. What does July have to do with August? If you want to keep getting paid, you keep showing up. Marriage works the same way. Whatever season you're in, you stay faithful in it. Stop working out and you get weaker. Stop investing in your marriage and the growth quietly leaves too.
This has been our best year ever for date nights, and honestly? Some of those dates were duds. We had back-to-back ones in July where the date literally ended in a disagreement. But the pattern was prioritizing time together, and you don't let one bad date define the whole thing. You plan the next one. (Funny proof it's working: our sons complain that we date too much. "You're going out again?" Yeah, because it's Saturday night again.)
Here's the trap to avoid: mistaking an event for the consistency growth requires. A counseling session, a seminar, a podcast, even this post, those are events. Wonderful events, but events. You can't throw money at a problem with one big vacation and expect connection to appear. Turning events into trends takes more effort than most of us anticipate, but once you build that momentum, the growth becomes a habit you're maintaining instead of a mountain you're climbing.
Don't Quit Cold Turkey
One of the saddest patterns we see: a couple does great in coaching, then coaching ends, and so does all the prioritization. Months later they call back discouraged. "What have you been doing since we last met?" Nothing. Well, that's the fix, start doing things again. Maybe coaching moves to every other week, then monthly check-ins. Maybe you pick up a book on marriage or start listening to a podcast, anything that keeps your relationship at the forefront of your mind. When we prioritize something, we tend to grow in it. (Ongoing wise counsel and online marriage coaching are two of the simplest ways to keep that momentum alive.)
And write it down. We have couples journal what they want to grow in, because if it came naturally, they'd already be doing it. Keeping your growth top of mind, renewing your thinking around it, is how the change goes from something you do to part of who you are.
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Take the Free AssessmentA Marriage Worth Going Against the Grain For
What we're describing is almost counter-cultural, a kind of marriage revolution. Choosing to give your marriage your time, your focus, and your resources will make you look different from the norm. But look around. So many relationships, maybe even our own at times, feel underwhelming, because the culture's default just isn't enough. You're capable of more. It's okay if today was hard, because tomorrow is coming. It's okay if you messed up today, because you can take ownership and do what you said you'd do. That's how growth lasts.
Key Scriptures
Your Next Step This Week
Put one recurring, non-negotiable rhythm on the calendar, a weekly date night, a daily ten-minute check-in, or a monthly coaching session, and protect it for the next twelve weeks like it's a job you can't skip. Don't aim for intensity. Aim for consistency.
Reflection Questions for Couples
- Where in our marriage have we experienced the yo-yo, real progress, then a slide back? What stopped?
- What expectation about marriage being "easy" might we need to release?
- Is there a recent hard moment we've let define the whole relationship? What does the longer trend actually show?
- When was the last time we invested in our marriage consistently for several weeks in a row? What got in the way?
- What one rhythm could we commit to for the next twelve weeks to keep growth alive?
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The most common thing we hear: "We should have done this sooner."
If your growth keeps stalling out, a consistent rhythm is usually the missing piece. Let's talk about what that could look like for you.
Schedule a Free ConsultationOne conversation. 30 minutes. You'll know if it's a fit.
Cheering you on,
- Chad & Sarah-Gayle
There's always, always hope.
Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, MSMFT holds a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and co-leads Hope Relentless with her husband, Chad. She's passionate about helping couples move from roommates to teammates.
Chad Galbreath is an ordained minister and marriage coach. Married 21 years, he and Sarah-Gayle have spent 15+ years helping couples build marriages that thrive. They host the Hope Relentless Christian Marriage Podcast.
Read the full episode transcript
hello and welcome to the Hope Relentless marriage podcast Chad and Sarah-Gayle here and we are so happy that you're joining us and you're changing the world your marriage is changing the world because you're investing in it and so marriages impact families families impact communities and communities impact the world and so it's an honor to be able to share the space this time with you guys and hopefully encourage you as we encourage ourselves and remind ourselves that we are truly doing something significant when we invest in our marriage yeah and today we're going to talk about growth that lasts so one of the exciting things about
working with couples is seeing those breakthroughs seeing those aha moments where there's New Perspective there's new knowledge there's new um just excitement around the relationship around the marriage and there's hope and there's progress one of the discouraging things is down the road what can happen is couples can fall back into the old patterns the old habits the old behaviors and In This Moment some of the things that we hear is they're more discouraged because they thought they knew better but the growth didn't last and so this yo-yo in our relationship is something that we're going to talk about today and I'm not sure if you
can relate listening you know if you've ever had counseling or you've even been on a diet you've had a trainer perhaps and you have these amazing results while you're doing the program and then over time when you're finished with the program you kind of go back to how you started and it's incredibly frustrating and I know as a person who has experienced that myself it's frustrating but also as someone who works with couples and sees that at times in certain couples it's it's not frustrating for me but it's it's more sad you know when I first started out wanting to help couples and wanting to
help marriages I had no interest in you know just sitting with couples so that I could take their money and they they don't really grow they just sit there and they vent with me and there's no progress that was that I had no interest in that whatsoever and so even from the start I created what's called a like 12-week program or boot camp and the reason I did that is because I wanted couples to have practical intentional things that they could work on and that they could move through so that at the end of the day we could have a tangible understanding of okay yes
this is what I learned this is what I can apply and so what happens though is the Hope is through this this program and through intentional investment in the relationship the hope is that things will start to stick not because the couples experience behavior modification but because throughout the process we are transforming and renewing our mind and our habits are beginning to change and those things that create true transformation are beginning to occur and so that is something that that excites me about the work of of of transformation of the work of counseling because that's the opportunity but I am not naive to know that
many of us we will start out great and then we will go back in into the exact state that we were and I would even say we we are worse than we were because it's that hope you know the hope that we had to start and then we we thought we were getting help and then we we got excited because we were growing and then we kind of plateaued because we got comfortable and then we started to sin downwards and then we regressed and so then we're like wow well I tried this it didn't work and so therefore it's hopeless and that's oftentimes when the
divorces come and whatnot yeah and I think that's so let's talk about that for a moment let's talk about what prevents growth from lasting and then maybe we can dig a little bit deeper into that potential hopelessness that couples might feel if they tried something they experience some short-term growth some short-term progress but ultimately it didn't stick so let's let's talk a little bit about like why doesn't this stuff stick why is it that some couples experience that and so I think the first thing that I think about is is this is something I share with you or even share with our sons in different
subjects areas of growth and that is you know in many capacities Society is not set up for our relationships to thrive right when we think about the average relationship over 5 10 20 50 years how many relationships that start are still thriving decades later it's a very small percentage and so but how many people when they start a relationship want their relationship to be thriving decades later I imagine we all know certainly a majority yes so what happens yeah and I think part of it is this awareness that our day-to-day social and cultural norms realistically will lead to relational Decay and so if we don't
want that then we have to be intentional to create different patterns in our relationships otherwise we're just kind of going we're just going with the flow we're floating down the river and slowly where our relationship is not what we want it to be and so I think this idea that relationships should be easy if you're the one if you are my soul mate if you're the one God has for me if we're meant to be together not just in this season but in all seasons I think some people anticipate that it should be natural or that it should be easy and I just don't think
that's true now I'm not talking about toxic abusive relationships but in any area of Life Health relationships career finances if we are thriving for an extended period of time there's usually patterns and priorities and intentionality that directly led to that growth and so our society doesn't really encourage that when it comes to relationships or marriages so then we have to kind of take a step back and be like well what are we going to do differently if we want to experience a different result than the social norm and so if it requires that intentionality so I think some of these disappointment realistically comes from false
expectations what are your thoughts yeah I think the expectations are a huge one and I just want to touch on having Grace for ourselves as we talk through this because gosh you know I meet with couples and we talk a little bit about their past and many of us we did not see any kind of example a good example of relationship of marriage and what it took and that it was work but it was good work it was worthwhile work we we didn't grow up like that and so I'll tell couples you know what you're doing better than you think you are because you are
with what you were given most of us we we've made something out of out of a lot of random ingredients and so I just want to make sure that I say that first and just going back with expectations if we're expecting that when we get married which I understand we are because we haven't had real life examples so we're looking at media you know perhaps and so we're expecting that we're gonna just have the butterflies all the time we're gonna fall in love and we're gonna just stay in love and there's no effort there's no hard times you know you know it's just all wonderful
or there's I think what what Society depicts especially media depicts a lot are the grand times you know there's going to be these awesome highs where you're just just amazed with how marriage is even like the sexual encounters like every time is going to be amazing and confetti everywhere and so there's these extremes that we see and so what are we to do with those and if we have these expectations that their that marriage is not going to take that consistent intentional investment then when we actually find ourselves in a difficult spot in our marriage we're number one we're probably not going to want to
put the time in because we're going to think that means something wrong number two we're not even going to know that that's required because we've never seen that that's how relationships work it's like yep it's got to be it's intentional and and it's on purpose yeah I mean so we can see like what prevents this long-standing growth there's we've kind of identified a couple of things social norms don't support and encourage or promote the things that it takes and then our own expectations and I love that you said the dynamic of not just what we have seen or not seen But the importance of grace
you know I think one of the things as you're talking about these events or these highlights or these social media posts I think it's easy for us to fall into the Trap of redefining our relationship by our most recent interaction as opposed to kind of the trend or the path you know if somebody comes to counseling they're reading a book they start to implement some different things to prioritize their relationship and things are going better for three months six months 12 months people get in fights people get in disagreements people have you know like there's gonna be some moments where like I just show up
as the worst version of myself right and I think one of the things that can be disheartening is when couples redefine their relationship or their marriage in a moment where they both showed up as like the worst version of themselves and they completely lose sight or ignore all of the moments where they both showed up as better versions of themselves and so again if you've been working on your marriage your relationship for six months and things are trending in a direction that you're both excited about and you get in an argument over something uh you know I think that's one of the things like when
you said the grace that stood out to me is like hey let's let's have Grace for ourselves and for our relationship and not redefine it just on this moment but like what are what's the trend of our relationship what are the patterns are we learning are we growing are we committed to each other are we both willing to keep showing up then we can learn how to forgive and how to let go and how to move Beyond some of those difficult and challenging moments and not redefine our whole relationship based on a on a difficult moment right and I think as you're saying that I
I was thinking about fear and I think we redefine from an event because we're afraid that we're gonna go back or that we haven't actually grown and I see it you know in counseling sessions couples are doing great week by week and then they have a bad week and then it's almost like the the bottom comes out where it's just like oh my goodness like nothing has nothing nothing has stuck or whatever it may be however their their conceptualizing what went on in the relationship and I think what happens is it's that moment where they think it the same thing that used to happen happened
again and so there's no progress and that simply is not true like what you're saying Chad we cannot redefine everything because we slipped back in a moment and this is something I think that is taught as well it's that perseverance to recognize that yeah we're gonna have some hard times and that's okay we can do hard things we can get through hard seasons and if anything it's recognizing but you know what we have been investing in our relationship we have been intentional and it's not always about the result it's about knowing that you've been showing up and putting in the work and trusting the process
because there's no way when couples are intentional about their marriage that it is not growing we're not always going to see the growth but just like a plant you know it starts with a seed perhaps and it grows slowly over time and you're not going to look at that plant when it's just in in its seedling form and be like you're not growing and then when it's just barely um showing any kind of greenery you're not growing no you're seen slowly the growth occur over time and I think with our own lives sometimes it's difficult to see that growth and another example with that with
that would be our own children sometimes we don't even see that our children are growing then we go to an outing and someone who hasn't seen them in a couple months is like oh my goodness like look at how much you've grown and we'd be like I didn't notice wow that's interesting so it's the same thing with us but I think we have this tendency to be so hard on ourselves where hey you you started with nothing and look at you now and yeah you ought to set back but you you had two steps forward and a half step back so let's keep let's keep
going yeah I started at the bottom now we're here if it's only a smidgen above the bottom hey hey it's growth that's growth so we talked a little bit about what can prevent growth and obviously there's other dynamics that can play into this but let's transition and talk about what can promote growth like you know part of this idea is how do we experience growth that lasts in a relationship because even if we kind of Buy in and we'll give each other and our spouse Grace that we're we're still going to have some challenging or difficult moments we still want to see growth right we
still want to see progress so one of the things that we can do that will promote that growth and help this growth and help the things that we learn to stick because I I asked you before we started recording I said but how many of the couples that you're working with week to week do the relationships get worse and what did you say zero zero why do you think when when a marriage comes to you and and as a generalization we wish this wasn't the case but as a generalization when somebody reaches out for marriage counseling how many couples reach out for marriage counseling because
their relationship is the best it's ever been there I don't know that I've had anyone reach out because it's the best it's ever been so we have some couples so some have been fine but they're like oh we just want to continue to enhance but it's not like they have specific areas they want to enhance it's like oh that's the best it's been yeah so I mean I guess they're kind of like leading questions but the reality the marriages that we have the privilege and opportunity working with typically have identified hey things aren't what we want them to be let's get marriage counseling then as
they're getting marriage counseling none of them get worse they all experience some level of growth Improvement health so what are the things that are taking place that help promote growth for these couples well so one thing I just want to say to that is yeah they all they all are experiencing growth and like I said before that doesn't mean they don't have bad days right and so I think we have to understand that because if our expect if our expectation is that growth means no bad days then we're gonna feel like we're never growing so the thing that I find is their intentionality it's as
simple as that because I and I ask couples a lot of times when is the last time that you spent 12 weeks consistently investing in your marriage every single week and you had it in your calendar you knew that this was your time and the answer is always never never nothing close to that and so I would say that intentionality to put your marriage before all the other chaos in your life and make sure that you prioritize your marriage is everything I think it does something psychologically and that's why a lot of times before couples even start they'll come back they'll come to me after
like the second session they're like oh my goodness we're doing so great and I'm like wow we haven't even really talked about anything but it's because psychologically they've told themselves we're in this and we're we're going to do the 12 weeks because we matter our marriage matters it's a big deal yeah I mean just that Dynamic of intentionality so you know what promotes growth prioritizing our relationship yeah I think it goes back to what prevents growth the social norms and some of those Dynamics you know how crazy would it be if I was an employee and I just didn't show up to work in the
month of August my employer would fire me and if I was shot if I were to like hang out with a friend and be like could you believe this I didn't show up to work in August but my work in July and June was incredible my boss called me up and fired me your friend would look at you like you're crazy like what has shown up to work in July have to do with showing up to work in August like if you want to keep your job if you want to keep getting paid you got to keep showing up even if we're running or building
a business right where whatever season we're in we have to continue to be faithful in that particular season and I think that is a major mindset shift in relationships we have to continue to show up and prioritize in the season that we're in and as we continue to do that then I think we will experience growth that lasts I think the reality is growth is the fruit of activity and if we stop the activity then we then the growth doesn't happen the fruit of the growth is no longer there and it's easy to see this in other areas if I stop working out I would
anticipate down the road I'm not going to be as strong or as fit if I stop doing the things that help me be successful in my career then it's reasonable to buy product down the road is I'm not going to experience the same breakthroughs or success or growth so a huge part of what promotes growth is that prioritization that intentionality I think about for us we've been this has probably been our best year ever in terms of date nights I think what do you think I feel like you said that the last couple podcasts which just shows we're excited about it but some of our
dates like they suck like they're just not that fun they're not that we have like back-to-back dates I think I think in July where like the date ended with a fight right where it just like ends in a disagreement is wrong and I'm just like go you know like oh that that I'll get it done without this right but the pattern and the trend was prioritizing time together right it doesn't mean every day is going to be great it doesn't mean you know sometimes we come up with ideas and afterwards we're like man that restaurant sucked or that wasn't fun or that but yeah we
planned it again we try something else the next week and it's not that individual then it's uh intentionality of blocking out on our calendar I feel like I know we were doing something well because our sons are actually complaining that we date too much yeah why you guys are going on a date again it's like yeah because it's Saturday night again I love that yeah so consistency is what you're talking about and even when we talked about the extremes earlier where it's or not the extremes but events and we talked about not letting one event Define your marriage as in a negative way I think
it's similar when it comes to consistency it's not letting one event be the the reason that you feel like you're you're growing if you will like it's it's a step it's a stepping stone so whether it's counseling if we're seeing counseling as an event sure if we're seeing a a seminar as an event a podcast as an event sure all like this is an event right now you are listening to this podcast so let's not misjudge this event this moment for what growth takes which is consistency and that's something that I think is is crucial that sometimes we we we don't realize you know we
think okay I haven't spent enough attention with the marriage so I'm going to throw some money at it I'm going to plan a vacation and it's gonna be fine oh my gosh I can't believe we're still not connecting but it takes more than that it takes time and over time we will be able to grow just like over time you'll see that plant analogy you'll see that plant grow and so it's just being patient but then recognizing hey you're doing better than you think you are and I think on a on um you know what else promotes grow you know I think we we see
and we watch couples experience marriage counseling promotes growth just Council and general wisdom guidance getting Insight from Professionals in different areas of our life helps it's the same thing in our relationships and I would say you know for couples who go through the Hope Relentless program we typically see growth we see we see progress now there's still work to be done to actually build the patterns and the habits to turn the events into Trends right yeah so that takes a lot more work it takes oftentimes it takes significantly more effort to generate true momentum in any area of our life than we anticipate and so
it's the same thing in our marriage it takes significant investment in our time in our schedules and our consistency and then we produce this momentum and habits and patterns and then that growth that took a lot of energy and effort now we're more managing it we're more protecting it we're more it's become a habit and a pattern and I think what makes me sad sometimes is couples come to marriage counseling and they're doing well but then marriage counseling stops and with it stops the prioritization and then they'll go months without culture yeah without anything that invests back in their marriage and then they call back
oh we're not doing well it's like well what are some of the things you guys have been doing since the last time we saw you and it's like nothing it's like well that's the fix the fix is start doing stuff go on dates continue you know maybe marriage counseling can have different seasons but instead of going from seeing a counselor once every week to then never you know maybe you slowly hey we're gonna go to every other week or once a month we're gonna keep check-ins we're going to keep getting counsel and professional advice because we know our relationship is important and it's a priority
to us so we're going to invest in it or you know you stop counseling what does it look like to pick up a book on merits or to start listening to a podcast or something that keeps the ideas and the relationship at the Forefront of our minds when we prioritize stuff we typically experience growth and I just think that's you know so that is what promotes growth intentionality action steps making things a priority yeah and this is why I recommend the journal with in sessions for people to write down things that they want to grow in because if it was natural to us we would
already be doing it so that means we need to really focus in and look at our mindset and transform our mind and really get it in in into us what we're wanting and keep it top of mind and to do that it requires some meditation because we really want to be focusing in on it and so what I would like to even propose and this might sound ridiculous but it's almost like a marriage Revolution because what we're talking about as far as keeping the growth maintaining the growth it is not it it is Counter Culture it truly is it's almost like going completely against the
grain of what exists today in society and so I think that when it comes to intentionality when it comes to excitement about marriage when it comes to investment we're gonna look different if we decide that this is the route we want that we want to give our all to our marriage we want to show up we want to spend the time the resource all of it we will look different but at the same time I think it really will impact that that those future Generations what we're talking about that ripple effect it will be a ripple effect that creates change in society and the fabric
of society that is unparalleled and because I think as is as marriage exists today sure it impacts families communities in the world but we can just look around and we can see that that it's not it's very underwhelming you know a lot of the relationships we we see in our own life maybe our own relationships is a it's a bit underwhelming but as we've been talking about what it takes the investment it's almost it's like it's go time it's game time and you know what we're capable we're able to put forth the focus and the intentionality and the effort to grow our relay relationship and
we're able to recognize that you know what it's okay if it's difficult today because tomorrow is coming and I'm gonna it's okay if I messed up today because I can take ownership and I can do what I said I was gonna do and so there's always hope when it comes to these things and that's what I want you to know in whatever season of life you're in in your marriage that there's always help and there is always always hope thank you so much and we'll talk to you next time Communication: Finding Alternatives that Actually